Mind dump

• Please don't misconstue my previous post as a plea for comments.  I'm very content with what I get...I would love to find new people to read...and commenters are usually where I start...but I am content.  As I said, I write for me...and for Lexi.
• It's been really warm here the last 5 days.  Hitting records warm.  We've been trying to take advantage of it.  We took Lexi to the zoo on Saturday and spent the day outside almost every other day this week.  Going to playgrounds, the park district pool etc. 
• Yesterday I trimmed back the spireas we have in the front of our house.  My arms are all scratched up from the branches...and I have mosquito bites.  In March.  Wow.
• Lexi had her 3 year old pictures taken on Friday...as well as her Easter ones.  I left the CD at my in-laws...so I will post some later. 
• Both dogs got baths on Friday night.  I took them to a self service pet wash one at a time.  They were filthy...and smelly.  Now they are soft and don't smell of mud and other things that are in the lawn.
• Lexi is signed up for a tumbling class and ice skating class in the next few weeks.  She's so excited about the ice skating class...I couldn't enroll her before because she wasn't potty trained. 
• With this warmer weather we've been having I've had to pull out some of Lexi's shorts from last summer.  One pair of capri's fits her perfectly...they are size 18 months.  Yes, my almost 3 year old is wearing 18 month shorts and capris...and 4T shirts
• I ordered a birthday shirt from Etsy for her.  It should come in the mail this week as it was shipped on Thursday.  I will post photos as well as the shop owner's link once I get the shirt.  I'm so excited!

My thoughts on the recent upheaval

There has been alot of talk going on in the blogging community about inculsion/exclusion and blogrolls and such.  And I wanted to throw my two cents out there.

I blog for me.  I started this blog almost 5 years ago as a way to vent my frustrations with our struggles...a way to document everything that we went through.  I have been a TTC blogger...a pregnancy blogger...a parenting blogger (I cringe at the term mommy blogger)...a pregnancy loss blogger.  I've moved in and out of these topics here...I haven't deviated from this space except for one situation which I didn't think my daughter needed to read about later in life.  See, this blog was also meant for her.  Or, for whatever future children I had, if any.  It was meant as a way for my children to understand why their mom was crazy protective of them...why they never went to bed without saying I love you.  I had hoped that one day, I could pass this link on to them, and they could read what my life was like before them.  While I was pregnant with them.  While they were babies.  Etc, Etc, Etc.

While doing this, I found some really wonderful people who were at the same stage I was.  Most of the people I still follow have children who were born right around the time my daughter was...and some have just had recent additions.  Most of the people I follow, I now know on other social media sites as well.  I talk to them on Facebook, or via email, or via Google Talk.  They are people that I've never met in person...but who I consider my friends.  Who I cry with, marvel with...I'm happy when they have momentous moments...and feel their frustrations when things don't pan out they way they'd hoped.  These blogs I comment freely on. 

But there are also the people that I follow that haven't had their miracle yet.  That don't know if they will ever have their miracle.  I cry with them and feel their sadness through their words.  I can empathize with them, because I know how it feels to want something so badly, and not know if you will ever get there.  But I will be honest and say that I don't comment as freely.  And it hurts my heart to admit that.  To know that these are the people who might need support more than ever, and not feel like I can freely tell them that I feel their pain.  Because I have my miracle.  I have what they are trying for...or what they lost. 

I don't participate in things like ICLW or NaBloMoPo because I don't want someone who is hurting to come across my blog ranting about the pains of potty training or the woes of a toddler that doesn't want to eat and feel more pain.  Perhaps that is a judgement on my part...that they wouldn't want to read my ranting...but I know I didn't want to read about that before I had my daughter.  So I choose to exclude myself from those activities...and by doing so, I lose the possibility of finding NEW readers who are in the same place as me...of discovering NEW friends.

So I find myself wondering sometimes why I continue to post here.  I don't receive but maybe 1 or 2 comments per post...if I'm lucky.  But then I look at my daughter and realize that I post here for her.  So she has a history of her life from her mom's perspective.  So she can look back when she's a mom herself, or when I'm gone, and know that she's not alone...that her mom loves her more than anything and chose to put it out for all the world to see.  To shout from the pages of this blog that she is important.  I blog for her.  I blog for me. 

Food explosion

I wanted to capture this last week...as Lexi seems to have had an epiphany...that there is more food out there than mac n cheese.  In this past week she's had:

Meatballs with her spaghetti (could NEVER even THINK of putting a meatball on her plate)
Garlic bread
Fish sticks (specifically requested by her)
Fried calamari (yes, I know, fried foods aren't great for a toddler, but you don't realize how little she eats...so the fact she ate this is a feat)
Fried broccoli
Steak
about a pound of steamed broccoli
Sweet potato tater tots
Lettuce with ranch dressing
chicken wing

We've eaten out alot this past week...mostly because we were sick over the weekend and didn't grocery shop.  Normally all she wants is mac n cheese.  But she's trying new things...which I'm so happy about.  We would always offer her whatever we had on our plates, but she always fought it.  Now, we can't keep her hands off our plates.  You have no idea how happy this makes me. 

**Lexi is only 27 pounds at 5 weeks shy of 3 years old.  She's not underweight by any means...but she's at the low end of the growth curve for her height of over 36 inches.  She needs size 3T length in jeans...but they literally fall off her.  I buy the adjustable waist, and cinch them all the way to the last button holes.  Even then they are big...but at least they don't fall down.  And now, since she doesn't wear training pants or a diaper, they are even bigger.  She needs suspenders!

I'm hoping this new found love of food adds a pound or two to her tiny frame!

Countdown to 3

I can't believe a month went by without so much as another post from me.  So much for keeping up with things. 

I'm calling it.  Lexi is potty trained.  She hasn't had a day time accident since that first weekend we started the "hard core" training...almost 4 weeks ago...she wakes from nap times dry and most mornings are dry as well.  Though we've still been having her wear a pull up over her undies to bed at night.  We call them her "just in case" undies.  And she knows that she's not to just go in them...that they are there in case she doesn't wake up or doesn't make it to the potty in time in the middle of the night.  She's not even wearing the thicker training pants anymore...preferring the normal underwear...it's still amazing to me to see those tiny undies in the wash!  I'm so unbelievably proud of her...and grateful that this was "easy" for her.

We're also in the middle of planning her 3rd birthday party.  OMG!  Where has 3 years gone??  We're most likely doing 2 parties...one "kid" party and one family party.  The kid party is going to be her cousins and maybe the girls next door.  Lexi chose a pool party at the indoor pool nearby.  It's fairly inexpensive and they do structured activities with the kids in the shallow end of the pool (2ft)...plus provide pizza and pop.  So I don't have to worry about 8 kids running around my house.  Then we'll do a family dinner...both grandparents and her auntie who is coming in from VA.  Nice and laid back. 

I have to say...I'm missing her babyhood a little.  She's so independent and opinionated (like me!).  She's spunky and bright.  We take her to our poker league and everyone just eats her up.  And she loves the attention.  She's so well behaved that I have to remind myself sometimes that she is only 2...especially when she does 2 year old things (like draw on her face with markers...if you know me on FB you saw it!).  She is very mature for her age and I keep waiting for the terrible 2s or even the torturous 3s.  But she's patient and willing to compromise like no other toddler I know.  I know how lucky I am...and I thank the good Lord above everyday for blessing me with the miracle that is Lexi.

Potty Training

We've never really pushed Lexi to potty train.  The potty was introduced to her at about 18 months old.  She'd sit on it and read her books...but we never forced the issue.  About a month or so ago, she became #2 trained.  She would always make poo poo on the potty...either because she asked to go, or we caught her with "the look" and got her on the potty in time.  It's been quite awhile since we've dealt with a dirty diaper.  But still, we never pushed her to use it.  Over the last few weeks, however, we've seen some signs that maybe she was ready for a "push". 

On Saturday morning I decided to go for it.  Hard core.  No more diapers.  She stayed dry all day...and made potty in the potty.  She had an accident about 7pm...and was quite upset about it.  Yesterday, same thing.  Dry all day.  She refused to put a pull up on last night.  She wanted her "big girl underwear".  I didn't want to confuse her, so I let her wear her underwear to bed, fully expecting to be woken up at 2am when she was wet.  She woke up at 8am...completely dry.

She's at school today.  And I took 3 extra pairs of underwear and pants and socks...just in case.  We'll see how well she does.  But I'm in shock.  ONE accident...in 2 full days.  And we even went out to a few stores on Saturday.  Makes me feel a little bad...that maybe she was ready all along and just waiting for me to "be ready" for this grow up stage.  I do feel a little sad that she's growing up...and so fast...but I will NOT miss buying diapers. 

One question I do have for everyone...how does your little one get up on the potty?  We haven't been able to find a stepstool that is the "perfect" height.  One is too tall and one is too small.  

The Wonder of Disney

After having slept yesterday until 10am, and napping for 2 hours in the afternoon...the fever was pretty much gone.  She still had a cough...but we made the decision to take Lexi to Disney On Ice's Dare to Dream last night.  We had been talking to her about it for days, and she was so excited about it, we couldn't bear to break her heart.  And it was a good decision.  We packed her up, grabbing her princess dress and crown at the last minute, and drove the hour into the city.  Once we got there and got inside, I pulled out her dress and crown and put it on her.  OMG I'm so glad I did.  Everywhere you looked, little girls were dressed as Rapunzel, Cinderella, Snow White, Tiana etc.  I would have had an upset little girl had I not thought to grab her stuff...and I almost didn't.  Didn't want to carry any "extras", but figured it fit in my bag, so I might as well.

Let me tell you...the show itself was great.  We were 13 rows back from the ice, so we had an unobstructed view.  Well, DH and I did.  We did buy Lexi her own seat, but a tall adult sat in front of her, so she ended up sitting on one of our laps for the whole show, and using her seat for coats.  I don't know if anyone has ever gone to a show before, but Mickey, Minnie, Donald and Pluto start things off...and when she saw Mickey skate out on the ice, her little face crumpled and tears came to her eyes.  I thought she was scared, and I asked her if she was scared or sad...she said "No mommy, I very very happy".  Well, that just brought tears to MY eyes.

She watched the whole show.  And I watched her watch.   She was mesmerized.  I don't think she closed her mouth the whole time.  She ended up sleeping in her Cinderella dress last night, and woke up this morning in a very good mood...and feeling much better than she has in days.  

Here are some photos:




Mickey, Minnie and Pluto at the start of the show




Tiana and her Frog Prince Nuveen




Cinderella



During intermission...yes, we bought a Cinderella doll.



Flynn Rider and Rapunzel and a lucky guest release a lantern




Belle and "the Beast"




This was at the start of the show.



You can't see, but her mouth is open.  She was like this the whole time.

Sick

Lexi is sick.  Has been since Sunday.  Fever, cough...the poor child is just miserable.  We went to the pedi yesterday...her lungs are clear, no ear infection.  Just a really bad cold.  Tylen0l for the fever, clear fluids.  We have tickets tonight for Disney on Ice.  She has been looking forward to going.  The pedi said he doesn't see why she can't go.  So we'll see.  Right now, she's resting with Daddy...having slept until 10am this morning.  (She was up twice last night...once at 12:45 and again at 6am).

What's next?

I have no clue.  We knew this was going to be our last insurance covered cycle.  We knew that.  But the possiblity that we wouldn't have ANY embryos to transfer never entered my mind.  Sure, we've had crappy fertilization in the past...but I never thought I'd be faced with another cycle with no embryos (our very 1st cycle back in 2007 resulted in the same). 

So now I'm faced with feeling like I'm not ready to give up...with the very real notion that I may have to.   The RE seems to think the problem lies with DH's sperm.  They ICSI'd the 10 mature eggs that they got.  My eggs seemed to be "up to par"...but still, the same result.  Dr C mentioned donor sperm and IUI.  He thinks it could work for us...since, again, he thinks the problem is DH's swimmers.  But DH isn't 100% open to that idea.  And I'm not there yet either. 

How do you tell one child that they aren't biologically their father's when the other is?  How does that affect the child?  How would that affect Lexi?  Would it?  Would DH later disown that child in the event our marriage ended?  Could he legally?  Those are the questions swimming in my head. 

The wound is so raw right now...

Meds

So as a result of this cycle being a bust I have meds available.  I'd like to recoop some of my money, but not looking to turn a profit.  Let me know if anyone is interested in the below:

900iu Follistim cartridge
300iu Follistim cartridge
4 boxes of Endometrin
2 boxes of Vivelle patches

I also have countless needles and syringes. 

Heartbroken

My clinic just called.  Of my 13 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature for ICSI...but none fertilized.  We have zero embryos.  None.  Zilch.  Zero. 

I'm heartbroken right now.  We have no more insurance coverage.  We can't afford another cycle.  We're done.  This was my worst nightmare.  Literally, I was up last night worrying about how things were going.  I guess my subconcious knew.

I have no idea how to deal with this right now. 

ER

13 eggs retrieved.  Not bad...but F.U.C.K!  That is the least amount of eggs I've gotten in 4 cycles.  I know I'm older and all...but was really hoping for more.  Fert report tomorrow.

Trigger

I triggered last night at 9:30.  I've never used Ovidrel before...so it was strange to me to inject a trigger sub-q instead of IM.  But I guess it was a good thing though...for we decided to head to our poker league and I had to trigger in the middle of the tournament.  Sub-q's go much faster than an IM. 

One thing to note...this cycle...OMG are my nips SORE.  My Tshirt rubbing against them feels like sandpaper. 

Monitoring Appt #5

Thank the Lord...I'm triggering tonight.  At my appointment this morning the U/S tech thought I might go another day.  My largest follie from yesterday vanished so she thought they'd stim me another day...BUT when I called the Lab Line just now...I'm triggering tonight at 9:30pm!!

Right - 19.5, 18, 16, 16, 13, 11
Left - 17, 17, 16.5, 16, 16, 15.5, 13.5, 13.5, 12.5, 10

Though she was having a hard time with my right side.  Seems my uterus shifted and was making it hard to see.  So I may have one or two more in there.

Lining is 10.1mm
E2 is 3024

My E2 level scares me still.  I know anything over 2500 runs the risk of OHSS...but at least it's not as high as the 4200 it was last time. 

ER will be Thursday, January 26th at 9:30 am. 

If you remember, can you say a little prayer for us on Thursday?  They would be much appreciated.

Monitoring Appt #4

Today is day 11 on stims.  The longest I've gone is 12 days.  The end is near...I hope.

Right - 21, 18, 17, 14.5, 12.5, 11, 11
Left - 17, 15.5, 15.5, 15, 14, 12, 11.5, 11.5, 10.5

E2 is 2435
Lining 10mm

I only have 2 days worth of Menopur left.  One for tonight and one for tomorrow.  I hope that's enough.

Monitoring Appt #3

So I don't have much in the way of numbers today.  Only that my E2 was 1971.  Because it is the weekend, the doctor actually calls you and he doesn't relay the follie size.  I'm to go back tomorrow (another 90 mile drive!!) for another scan.  Today I've been on stims 10 days.

Monitoring Appt #2

Nothing interesting...just for my own records...

Right ovary - 15, 13, 12, 10.5...and more smaller ones
Left ovary - 15, 12, 12, 11, 10.5, 10...and more smaller ones

Lining - 9.5
E2 - 931

Back on Sunday for another wanding and bloodwork

I'm starting to feel a tad bit uncomfortable.  Leftie sits right under my uterus...so I feel the "expansion" as follies grow.  It also makes the wanding a wee bit painful as well.  The lengths we go...

Monitoring Update

For my records...

monitoring yesterday...

largest follie 12mm.  all on left side are less than 10mm.  This is after 5 full days on stims.
Lining 7.5
E2 - 340

To freeze or not to freeze

My clinic just called to talk to me about possibly freezing any remaining embryos we might have after ET.  I had to laugh.  We've done 3 IVF cycles...and have had 3 viable embryos make it to transfer.  We've never had anything to freeze. 

But the thought is there.  What happens if, with this new clinic, we miraculously end up with 6 or 7 embryos?  Obviously, the RE isn't going to transfer all of them back to me.  I brought it up with DH...he's not for freezing any.  He said we can't afford 3 or 4 kids, that I'm already 35 (too old) and that we can't afford the cost to freeze them ($1200, which I agree, we can't)...I told him that I can't wrap my mind around "throwing away" 3 babies.  Because in my head, that's what we'd be doing.  He told me that I was being unreasonable and overly emotional about the decision. 

How can I NOT be emotional about it?  We're talking potential babies here...not just eggs or sperm...but actual embryos. 

I don't know why I even bothered bringing it up to him.  It's not like we ever get "extras" anyway. 

But, I want to know...has anyone ever made the decision to NOT freeze extra embryos?  What were your reasons?  How did you feel about the decision?  Any regrets?

Day 5

Today is day 5 of stims.  I'm slowly starting to feel the bloating in my ovaries.  I have my first monitoring appointment tomorrow morning.  I'm also going to be transporting DH's frozen sperm from our old clinic to the new one in prep for our ER next week. 

NEXT WEEK!!!???

Holy shit...I'm so not mentally prepared for this cycle.  I've been so busy with other things that I haven't really been thinking about this cycle. 

Clear

I'm clear to start stims on Friday.

225u of Follistim in the mornings
75u of Menopur in the evenings
reduce Lupron to 5u

My lining was 2.4 and my E2 less than 15. 

Here we go.