January

A January IVF cycle is a no go I believe.  I just got my TSH levels back from my bloodtest last week.  2.310.  I huge decrease from 5.3...but still not below the 2 that the RE wants.  So now I wait...

Black Friday

I was never a Black Friday shopper.  Mostly because, when I was old enough to have money of my own, I was usually working.  From the time I started working, the Friday after Thanksgiving was never one I was able to take off.  Which meant I had to get up at the butt crack of dawn to commute into the city for work.  I used to drive past all the stores with people lined up outside (back when stores opened at 6am on Black Friday) waiting to get in and a little part of me was jealous that they got to get all the great deals and I had to work. 

Fast forward to last year.  My mom and I decided to brave T0ys R Us for their midnight opening.  She waited in the warm car while I froze my butt off in line.  We got some great deals on things.  But that was it.  We were home by 1am. 

This year we decided to try Wally Mart for the 10pm sale.  We had two things on our list...the memory foam bath mats (don't laugh, they are awesome!) and a twin size bedding set for Lexi's big girl bed she's getting.  Toy Story was requested by the princess herself. 

OH. MY. GOD.  NEVER. AGAIN.  We should have known how crazy it was going to be based on the fact that the parking lot was completely full at 9:30 when we got there.  We lucked out and found someone leaving and got their space, but people were parking in the nearby Bank parking lot.  In the drive thru teller line.  In the ATM line! 

Anyway, we went in and quickly found the bath mats...but it wasn't 10pm yet so we had to stand in line...yes...there was a LINE for bath mats.  While my mom stood in line, I sought out a manager (yes, there was a manager to be found) and asked where the kids bedding sets might be located...since everything was all over.  (I kid you not, they had moved ALL the baby clothes into the grocery section and filled that area with pallets of DVDs).  He told me that they hadn't been able to find the bedding and he didn't think it was out.  So I went back in line with my mom...only to hear a HUGE commotion from where I came from.  Some people had started ripping into the shrink wrap that held the 10pm sale merchandise.  And this particular merchandise was SHEETS!  SHEETS!   Not TV's...NOT Laptops...SHEETS!  The manager called security and fights broke out.  It wasn't 10pm yet, but once people saw them ripping into the shrink wrap it was every man for himself.  People just started ripping into things and grabbing whatever they could.  I don't even think people were looking at what they were grabbing. 

My mom and I did come away with 5 bathmats...3 for her and 2 for me...unscathed.  BUT get this.  I asked the manager, who was back picking up dropped/thrown/discarded merchandise from the floor, where, if they had the bedding sets, would they have put them.  He directed me to the kids section.  My mom and I decided we'd take a walk back there to see...after pushing our way through the electronics department (OMG really people...some of those movie titles are 20 years old.  $5 isn't a sale...you can get those for $5 on a regular day) we came to a clearing in the store.  And I found the pallet of bedding.  No Toy Story, one princess and a few Mickey M0use were all that were left.  But, what is that I see out of the corner of my eye?  There...kicked under a display of socks 20 feet away.  Is that Woody's face I see?  Why it is!!  I managed to come away with the LAST Toy Story bedding set. 

Yes, I braved the Black Friday crowds for 2 bath mats and a Toy Story bedding set.  But to see the sparkle in my girl's eyes when she sees it on her custom made Jessie bed (custom made by Daddy)...will make it all worth it.  Will I brave Black Friday again?  Maybe.  I'll never be the "plan it all out hit a zillion stores, stay up all night" type of Black Friday shopper.  But I can fight the crowd for the one item my girl really wants...and if I lose and don't get it, I can say I tried...but if I win...well, seeing her face light up will be gift enough for me.

Are you a Black Friday shopper?  If so, how "all out" do you go?

What I'm thankful for

This season I've decided to try to put things in perspective for myself and write down all the things I'm thankful for instead of dwelling on things I don't have.

So this year, I'm thankful for:

My health.  I've had a few scares this year and I'm thankful that I am healthy.

My daughter.  After 2 1/2 years, I still look at her with awe and so much love.  She means the world to me.

My husband.  We've had lots of ups and downs this year and despite all my flaws, some that were "secret" until recently, he still loves me.  And for that, I'm VERY grateful. 

My home.  I have a roof over our heads.  Nuf said

My job.  In this economy, I am thankful for everyday I have this job.  I know what a blessing it was to change jobs willingly in such a poor economy.  This job gives me the freedom to have a life outside of my career.

My family.  They have proven over and over that they are fully invested in our lives and in our daughter's life. 

My mom.  I have to single her out.  She gives up 3 nights and 3 days of her time to stay at my house to watch Lexi.  And she does it with no complaints of being away from my dad and things she needs to get done at her house.  She has saved us SO much in the form of daycare costs...and when I was working in an office, would have dinner made when we got home.  So thankful for her.

My best friend.  OMG what to say about her.  She's been my rock...offering a shoulder to cry on...good times...and fond memories.  I've known her for 20 years and I can see us being friends well into our senior years.  She is so active with Lexi and loves her tremendously.  She is my sister, in every way.  I love her dearly.

My friends.  Both IRL and afar.  The support I get from my friends has gotten me through some of my darkest moments.  Whether on FB, on this blog, via email or G00gle talk, or in person...I know I can connect with them and they will understand.  I wish some of you lived closer!  But I'm thankful for each of you.

I know there are probably more things that I could list...but these are the top ones.  I hope to look back on this post when I'm feeling down in the dumps and remember all the good things I have in my life. 

1 year

Today marks the one year mark since my miscarriage.  Actually, it's the anniversary of my D&C...but since I had over a month of ups and downs, this is the day that stands out in my heart.  The day it truly ended.  I still think about that baby...and what might have been.  But my heart isn't as heavy as it once was. 

I am ever thankful for the little girl I do have.  The one who has become quite opinionated and spunky.  Who tells me everyday, I love you mommy.  Having her to hug and hold made my loss slightly easier.  She won't ever remember that she had a sibling, if ever so briefly.  All I can do is remember for her...

ALL CLEAR!

I had my follow up mammogram today and ultrasound.  After 2 hours at the hospital I finally got the all clear.  I have very dense breasts and the "area of concern" was in fact the mole I have.  I can not begin to tell you the relief that flooded through me when I got the results.  I'm very happy today.

Day 6: From a low angle

I know it's not a low angle...but I love this photo. 

Day 5: From a high angle

Taken at the pumpkin farm this year.

Day 4: Something Green.

Somthing we are using ALOT of around here lately to offset the other "green" things coming out of little noses.  I'll spare you a picture of THAT.

Day 3: Clouds

NaBloPoMo - Day 1 & 2 Self Portrait and What I wore today

So I thought I'd try to do this NaBloPoMo thing.  I've never actually posted 30 days in a row...so I fugured why not.  But I'm doing a 30 day photo challenge in conjunction with Suzy  and Kim.  And frankly, I won't be able to think of 30 days worth of posts, so this is my way of participating!

And of course...I'm a day late.  But oh well.

Here is the list...taken from Kim's blog...she gives appropriate credit to the originator.

And yes, I'm cheating and using the same photo for Days 1 and 2.  Forgive the mess in the background...and the ponytail.  I work from home and don't get "gussied" up.

November 7th

Received my orders from my PCP for some additional views of my left breast as well as an ultrasound...but in talking to my mom, she reminded me of something that I didn't even think of.  I have a mole on the underside of my left breast...and I didn't mention it to the tech who did my mammogram.  I didn't even think to mention it.  She said that most likely, the density that was seen is the mole.  I can hope. 

I go November 7th for the additional tests...and I will be sure to mention my mole at that point.

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Lexi is sick...like hacking cough sick.  No fever though.  She is definitely congested.  She woke up last night and only wanted her mommy and her medicine.  I found some cough syrup that is safe for 2 year olds...I don't have the bottle in front of me so I can't recall the name...so she got 1tsp of that and back to bed she went.  Slept until after 8 this morning.

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Lexi is going to be a pirate for Halloween...what are your little ones dressing as?

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

I can't take much more stress in my life right now.  And that's all I seem to have at the moment.  If I thought I was stressed before...when the only thing I stressed about was money...then I don't even have words to describe the pressure I feel right now. 

IVF postponement...ok...sucks, but I can deal.  Just means extra time and maybe another year paying for the HMO. 

Hasimoto's...yep...that sucks too.  But it's treatable with medication.  I went for my ultrasound of my thyroid this morning and I picked up my Levothyroxin last night.  Popped my first pill this morning.  Being on meds, for possibly the rest of my life, kinda sucks...but I can deal.

This "other thing"...that I can't deal with.  I know it could very well be nothing.  A bad angle...a cyst...a fibroid...it could be any of those things...but the thought that it might be something more than that still creeps into my head.  And that thought KILLS me.  I'm 35.  I don't want to deal with anything remotely related to cancer.  I look at my little girl and think...will I see her grow up?  Will I see her graduate from high school?  Get married?  Have a baby?  I know those things aren't guaranteed to begin with...but having this looming over me makes those things ever so important.  Makes every hug and every I Love You even more precious to me. 

The rational side of me says that if it were really bad...my doctor wouldn't have "just mailed" the order for the tests...that he would have demanded I get in ASAP.  He's like that.  My brain says that everything will be fine...that I'm over reacting.  But my heart...well, that's a whole other ball of wax.

My heart is hurting right now.  For the IVF that got put off...for the upcoming one year anniversary of losing the last pregnancy...for the Hashimoto's diagnosis...for reaching age 35...for an abnormal mammogram.

It's just too much all at once.  I don't know how to hold it all together.  What's next?

Really?

I posted about how I went for a mammogram last Thursday...I was just shy of my 35th birthday.  Got a letter in the mail today from the hospital that I need to contact my physician's office because I need further imaging.  Upon calling my PCP's office they had already written up an order for more testing...apparently I have a small density in my left breast that needs further evaluation.  I need to make another appointment with the imaging center.

I'm hoping it's nothing.  Or just a cyst.  If you're the praying type...please send one up for me? 

Hashimoto's

I saw my endocrinologist today.  It's not official but I most likely have Hashimoto's.  And it's most likely the cause of my miscarriage last year.  My TSH level was 5.6.  Normal is around 1.5 - 1.8.   I'm to start on a high dose of Levothyroxin immediately.  Repeat bloodwork in 4 weeks...next appointment December 1st.  I also have to have an ultrasound of my thyroid done.

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I don't know what to think right now.  The fact that I may not have miscarried last fall had I been taking thyroid meds is a little overwhelming right now.  Something so "simple" to treat.  And I didn't.  I remember telling my RE at the time that I wasn't taking any thyroid meds...and I thought they found me to be "within normal" ranges...but I found out today that your TSH level can be within "normal" ranges and there still be an issue...because apparently your pituitary gland helps compensate for when your thyroid is lacking.  Brings the grief to the forefront again.

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Tomorrow is my 35th birthday. 

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IVF#4 postponement and Boobies

I felt like crap all day yesterday.  Constant headache and overall yucky feeling.  The news from the RE's office didn't help.  I'm so frustrated.  Pushing back this cycle meaning potentially having to pay another year's worth of premiums on this HMO.  Don't get me wrong...I'm happy to have insurance coverage and I know how lucky I am that I do...but paying for 2 medical plans is killing us financially!  My PCP, my GYN, Lexi's pedi, and DH's MFI doc are all part of my PPO network.  They don't take the HMO.  The only reason we took the HMO was for the IVF coverage.  I can't drop my PPO.  DH's job has a wacky enrollment period so coverage runs March 1st - March 1st.  So we have until February 29th to have a cycle completed...actually we don't even have that long since his enrollment period is sometime in January.  So if I'm not on the Janaury cycle...well, that means another year of HMO premiums. 

I guess I'm just mad that the RE didn't order the bloodwork after our first meeting in September.  I told him at that point that the only difference between my cycle with Lexi and the cycle I miscarried was that I was on thyroid meds with Lexi's cycle.  I told him I wanted my TSH level tested at that time.  I just feel that if it had been tested in September that I would have had a few additional weeks to get on thyroid meds...and maybe make the December cycle.  December isn't even a chance at this point.  January is a glimmer.  I'm holding out hope for January.

I have an appointment on Friday with the endo...so hopefully she won't require MORE bloodwork and will accept the results from the test I just had. 

Oh and can I complain just a smidge about how LONG it takes to get an appointment??!!  I must have called 10 places...each telling me that they are scheduling out to December and January!!  Luckily, this Endo dedicates Fridays to seeing new patients and catching up on paperwork.  So she doesn't see returning patients and I was able to get in this week!!  Sheesh!


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I had my first mammogram this morning.  My birthday is Saturday and I turn 35.  Not old...but a recent announcement by a famous TV host made me really think.  She's only 36.  A year older than I.  She's done IVF.  I've done 3.  I know there are no proven studies that show people who do IVF are more prone to cancer, but I can't help but think that all these hormones I pump into my body can't be all that great for me.  The lengths we go to...

Anyway, off topic.  Mammograms are not very comfortable.  In fact, mine downright was painful.  Being squished like a pancake was not fun.  I know it's all in the name of prevention and early detection...but you'd think with all the advances in technology, they'd come up with a better way to do these.  Anyway, I should have my results in a week.

Postponed

I'm supposed to be starting Lupron today...instead I got a call from my RE's office this morning stating that my TSH levels were really high (over 5) and that they won't cycle me until it's below a 2.  While I understand why they are postponing me...it doesn't make the news any easier to swallow. 

Plus, I'm nauseous today.  Hugging the porcelin god is not how I wanted to start the day. 

I'm feeling to yucky to really write anymore...

If I knew then...

I received my box o' drugs from the UPS man this morning.  If I knew then what I know now, we would have used my husband's HMO insurance back then.  As much as it's a pain to get referrals and approvals and such...I only paid $103 for all my meds.  Yep.  $50 co pay for the Lupron.  $50 co pay for the Endometrin and a $3 co pay for the antibiotic.  Nada for the F0llistim or men0pur.  Those were 100% covered by the insurance.  So any readers out there in mandated states...use the HMO's to your advantage!! 

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I had my saline ultrasound done yesterday.  Holy cramping!  It wasn't fun.  But everything checked out.  So I'm happy about that. 

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I'm surprisingly nervous about this cycle.  I mean, it's nothing new to us...we've done it before.  But I think that it being the last opportunity and having a brand new RE are making me a little anxious.  I start Lupron on Tuesday...I can't believe this is here already!

IVF #4 schedule

Got my schedule for this cycle.  I've never done IVF at a clinic that does "batches" so this is new to me.  I'm already on bcp and prenatals...

Lupron starts October 18th
Baseline appointment - November 2nd (lets hope that any cysts I may have shrink before then!)
Start stims - November 4th (if all is ok with my baseline)
Monitoring appointments - November 9th, 11th and 13th
ER - Week of November 14th (depends on how many days I stim)
ET - 3 days later.

If I follow all my previous cycles...and stim for 12 days...November 16th looks like ER.  Another Wednesday.  My past 2 ER's have been on Wednesdays.  Which means another Saturday ET.  I know where that puts me for an EDD.  But I don't want to think that far ahead.  I don't want to jinx anything. 

Now I wait for the pharmacy to call to confirm the drugs and give me the amount due.  I'm petrified it's going to be some crazy amount.  I hope it's not.

I'll be on Follistim and Menopur again.  And Ovidrel for trigger.  This RE only does PIO after ER up until ET...then he does vaginal suppositories 3x a day.  I guess it's both a good and bad thing.  No 2 inch needles every night...but must deal with the discharge from the suppository.  Just breathe...


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In other news.  Lexi had her first dentist appointment today.  We've been prepping her for a few weeks now...showing her how to open her mouth wide and pretending to count her teeth.  She was actually excited to go and readily hopped into the chair.  She did EXCELLENT.  She even let the dentist do a cleaning and floride treatment on her.  No squirmies.  I think the cleaning went so well because Lexi has a Tigger spin brush that she uses...so I told her that it would be just like using the Tigger toothbrush.  She was awesome.  As usual. 

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Holy crap...I just got a phone call from the insurance confirming my prescriptions!  The nurse just called them in about an hour ago...talk about fast service.  The pharmacy themselves has to give me the co pay amounts...and I should hear from them either later today or tomorrow.  They are shipping the drugs for delivery on FRIDAY!  OMG!!  Breathe....breathe...breathe....

And so it begins

AF arrived on Saturday...and with that I called it in to my RE.  I go on the 13th for an HSG, a pratice transfer and to return our consent forms.  Tomorrow, we have to get blood drawn for our infectious disease testing (this always makes me giggle for some reason...the wording, not the tests themselves).  BCP and prenatals are being called into my local pharmacy.  The nurse will call me later this week with actual dates, since they do ERs and ETs in batches.  IVF #4, our final attempt, has begun.

Consult for IVF#4

We had our consult with the new RE on Tuesday.  I had all my records from my previous RE, OB/GYN as well as DH's urologist.  The new RE was impressed.  I guess it pays to be organized and anal about things.  LOL!

Anyway, I liked him.  He reminds me of Mart.in Sh0rt.  But with glasses.  We talked about the 3 previous cycles we did and he said he would study all the records I brought him so that we can come up with the best plan of action.  He is going to change up my protocol a little, which I'm not thrilled about, but he said it's because of my age and he wants to get the best eggs possible. 

I'm to call when I get my period in October so they can start me on bcp.  I'll have a uterine ultrasound done on the day we go in to sign the 6 inches of legal paperwork involved with IVF.  He does his IVF's in groups...so I'm set for the November group.  Which means a late November/early December ER and ET.  Just in time for the holidays.  Great! (enter sarcasm here) 

I'm happy to get things moving.   But extremely nervous at the same time.  Knowing this is the last cycle.  Please G0d...