On Sabbatical no more

She didn't show up at the hit of the publish button...instead she waited until Saturday morning to grace me with her presence. I went to give blood in the morning and I failed the iron test...it was then I knew she was on her way. As much as I expected AF to arrive this month, as she does every single month, I was a little dismayed that my mid cycle spotting wasn't an indicator for something else. Needless to say, I basked in some retail therapy on my way from Life Source.

One thing I'm doing this year is planting my climbing roses. I already have 2 plants ready to be put in the ground, but I've been afraid to plant them lest the Midwest is bequeathed another frost. So I spent Saturday morning perusing the garden departments of the local Wal Mar* and Men ards looking for trellis' for my roses to climb. The one I really liked was what I thought a simple wooden ladder trellis. But it was $50! I can't see spending $50 on a trellis. Maybe it's just me. So I'm left now with no trellis and 2 rose bushes I can't plant because it's darn near too cold yet!

DH spent the day yesterday reseeding our backyard mosh pit in the hopes of some greenery this summer. I thought it was funny to have both dogs come into the house, not only with muddy paws, but muddy seedy paws! Maybe his efforts will pay off and we'll have a beautiful lawn this year...one can hope.

CD28

Jenna has good news!! Please go see her! Ellen also received good news today.

Today is CD28...my last 2 cycles were 32 and 26 days respectively. My 6 cycles before that were all 28 days exactly. So far, no sign of AF. I would really, really, really, really, really hate to be one of "those" women who happen to fall pg when they weren't trying. Though I would love to be pg. I can tell you though, I haven't "relaxed", haven't "gone on vacation", haven't "just adopted" or any of those other misnomers that are thrown at an IFW (infertile woman) by the fertile world. Is it wrong that I'm both praying for AF to show up and wishing her away at the same time?

I don't want to perpetuate the myth that's out there that "miracles do happen" and "all things come to those who wait"...but I would be so happy to not have to cycle again. All this worrying is probably for not. I'm sure AF will come charging in from her monthly sabbatical as soon as I hit the publish button.

Thoughts...

On the spotting front...most of it occurred on Saturday, I had a little (and I mean a little) on Sunday and Monday, but it wasn't anything I needed a liner for like I did on Saturday. All week I've been running the dates in my head and thinking, could that have been implantation spotting? Then reality kicks me in the ass and I have to laugh at myself. I remind myself that babies aren't made by having sex. They are made in a cold laboratory. At least in our case. Though part of me can't help but hold onto a teeny bit of hope, that maybe, just maybe I am wrong. That fate is finally throwing me a bone. I know it's silly, I know it's not going to happen. My brain knows all these things, but it has failed to convince my heart.

Spotting...maybe TMI

So we've not engaged in any cycling since last year...my last AF was 2/29 and ended on 3/4. Why then did I have cramping and brownish spotting on Saturday? I had been cleaning the house and when I finished I sat down on the couch. It was then that I started feeling...like I was getting my period. You know the feeling. I also felt like I was "dripping" for lack of a better term. So I went to the bathroom and sure enough, there was brown spotting. I had one streak of red. I have not had any further spotting since Saturday. Very weird. Anyone have mid cycle spotting? If so, what caused it? If you know.

Tag you're it

JJ and Wifethereof tagged me recently so here you go...

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules.
3. Share six non-important/habits/quirks about yourself.
4. Tag three other people.
5. Make sure the people you tagged know you did by commenting on what you did.



1) I am always on my husband's left (except when we're driving)...I sit to his left on the couch when we watch TV, I sleep on the left side of our bed, I sit to his left at the dinner table at home, I sit to his left when we are in a group of people at a table, I walk on his left. I'm not sure why I do this, but it's something I've noticed.


2) In my 31 years, I have lived in 7 homes...but moved 9 times. Prior to getting married, I would live in an apartment for a year then move back with my parents for a short time...I went back 3 times before actually getting out for good.

3) I have kissed the Blarney Stone. Not those little tokens you get at an Irish store, the real Blarney Stone at Blarney Castle in Ireland. I went during high school and it was one of the things we really wanted to do. You have to sit down and hang onto this bar while you lean WAAAY back and basically hang upside down and kiss the stone.

4) I don't like walking in the grass barefoot or sitting in the grass. I can't stand the way the grass feels against my skin...gives me the heebee jeebees.

5) I am meticulously organized at work...everything is in it's place. But at home I struggle with keeping things organized.

6) I've been to England, Ireland, Wales, Mexico, Hawaii, New York, Boston, San Francisco, Indiana, Wisconsin, Michigan, Colorado, Arizona, Washington D.C., and Virginia.

That's about it. I tag Jen at Here We Go Again, Frank at (In) Fertile Frank, and In and Out of Luck.

Letter to my Body

As requested by Mel...here is my letter.


Dear Body,


You and I first met 31 years ago. I'll admit, I don't remember much about our early relationship, but we've been inseparable. My only question for you, my closest companion, is why? Why have you denied me so much in life and put me through so much pain? Are you punishing me for something I did early on in our relationship? For not exercising or eating right?

I remember when you bestowed a menstrual cycle on me. I was 13. Is the pain you caused any way to introduce a child to womanhood? The debilitating cramps, the body aches, the diarrhea. No drugs I pumped into you eased your rampage. Gone were the days of perfect attendance in school, for that first day each month, you made sure I was crying out in pain. That is, until my doctor prescribed birth control. Then I had you. I know you weren't happy to be reigned in, but it was the only way I could live each month. I hoped you'd understand.

Then you bestowed PCOS and thyroid issues on me. Why? Was being on bcp really SO bad? You had to throw more at me? Did you know that the acne, excess hair growth and weight gain associated with PCOS made high school a living hell for me? Did you care? I'm sure you knew as you and I spent many hours in my bedroom crying after school. Not that it changed anything. You only laughed at my sorrow.

But I think the worst thing of all that you've done has been to deny me the ability to become a mother. How can you do that to me? I can deal with all the past hardships you've thrown at me, and even forgive you for them, but this I can never forgive you for. Do you have any idea how much I feel like a failure? Procreation is the most primitive animal instinct, and you've denied me that privilege. All the procedures we've been through. Injecting dye into our uterus to blow out a blockage in our tubes. Surgery. Biopsies. And the countless trans vaginal ultrasounds, fondly named Dildocams. Body, you seem undeterred by all this. You won't give me an inch. Even after I injected you countless times with hormones. You won't back down. Why? Why? Why? Is it such a horrible thing that my husband and I feel the joy of pregnancy and parenthood? To look down upon a little bundle of joy and see ourselves?

I feel like I've treated you right over the years...maybe not excellent, but at the very least, I've been kind. I haven't doped you up with illegal drugs. Haven't poisoned our liver with alcohol. I sleep enough to refresh and invigorate you. I try to eat well...and I know I need to move you around more, but overall I've been good to you. I just wish you could give a little...just once.


Love,


Me

Finally some good news

My GYN's office called last night with the results of my biopsies...only mild cervical dysplasia! While I'm not thrilled abouting having ANY type of dysplasia...it puts me at ease. The only treatment is follow ups...so I have to have a PAP every 6 months instead of every year. AND I can still cycle! WOO HOO!

Oh Yea...Happy Valentines' Day to all!

Defeated

That's how I'm feeling. Like I can't fight anymore because everytime I throw a punch, I'm knocked back down on my ass by something else. I went for my colposcopy yesterday. And while the procedure itself wasn't painful, the outcome wasn't as I hoped. I have extensive cervical dysplasia. The GYN was "shocked" that I'd never had an abnormal PAP before. He took 3 biopsies and now I wait until March 5th to find out how bad it really is.

So on top of dealing with the hell that is IF, I have this to worry about. The GYN said that if I have mild dysplasia, there is no reason not to do another IVF cycle. However, if I have moderate or severe dysplasia, they will need to do further testing on my cervix...which could weaken it and prevent me from carrying a baby to term. The thought scares the shit out of me. Not only that, but the thought of cervical cancer at my age (31) scares me even more. I have so much I want to do in my life, I'm not ready for a diagnosis like that.

Postponed

My colposcopy has to be postponed because AF arrived today. They can't do the procedure until 3 days after your cycle ends...so instead of going for the colposcopy on Friday, I'll be doing CD3 BW and an antral follicle scan. Yay for me.

Colposcopy here I come

So I finally got in touch with the GYN...they want me to come in next Friday for a colposcopy. Dr Goo.gle says this is a painless procedure. Then why, might I ask, did the nurse tell me to take a pain killer 1 hour before coming in? Dr Goo.gle also said that an HSG is painless...but, this says differently, and I know better. My question is (and sorry this is TMI) should I not douche between now and next Friday? I usually only douche once a month...usually after my period...and I haven't this month. Anyone see any harm in it?

Has anyone had this done? Was it painful?

I Hate Doctors...

My PCP is the one who does my PAPs every year and he's really a very nice doctor...so when he said he wanted me to see a GYN, not only was I worried, but was also aprehensive. But I checked with my insurance and called a local GYN. They told me they needed my PCP to fax them my results BEFORE I can even make an appointment, so the GYN can see what my PCP wants and can decide if they'll see me. Can you believe that? I've never experienced anything like this! To make matters worse, they said they won't even call me back until at least Monday. So I have to wait all weekend...worrying about an abnormal PAP to even see if this GYN will SEE me. UUUGGGHH! This is why I can't stand doctors...

Another low blow...

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I've been sick the past week with some type of stomach bug. Anything I eat makes my stomach recoil. And no, I can't be pg. To top matters off, I went for my PAP last week. Results showed ASCUS. (Atypical cells of undetermined significance). Has anyone else had an abnormal PAP and had eveything turn out ok? My GP called at 7pm tonight with the results and it's not like I can run to a GYN this evening. I'm a little worried. Actually, I'm alot worried. I've never had an abnormal PAP. Dr Goo-gle says not to worry...but I can't help it.

AF came a caroling...

oh wait, that season is over. Anyway, AF did come raring her ugly head today. I'm miserable. Haven't had cramps like this in a LONG time. Plus, I have the chills and bodyaches. I hope I'm not coming down with anything.

You Are 56% A Child of the 80s

Back in the day, you were totally 80s. Tubular, totally tubular.

Are You a Child of an 80s?

Poignant Quote

Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

I sure hope they're right. I realized yesterday that had my first IVF been successful, my due date would have been the 16th of January. The same day I am going back to see my new RE.

I'm a little late in doing my reflective post for 2007, but when it really came down to it, 2007 just was a bitch of a year for me and I really didn't want to reflect on it at all. 2007 found us undergoing our first IVF cycle, which left me emotionally devastated for months to come. So instead of reflecting, here are my plans for 2008:

- Attend yoga. I signed up for a free seminar through my clinic and if I enjoy it, I may have to find a regular class.
- Start 2nd IVF cycle. I have another consult with my new RE on the 16th of January to talk about next steps.
- Try acupuncture. Not for the IF, but for the relaxation. DH can attest, I've been one big bundle of stress and nerves the last few months and I can't seem to release any of it.
- Actually go to the gym. Both for the weight loss possibilities and the stress relief excersise is said to bring.
- Talk to DH more. I tend to not share with him exacting how I'm feeling because I feel that I'm adding to his stress, which then makes me feel guilty. I need to share more with him.
- Not stress. This one will be the hardest to achieve as I tend to take on alot and then stress over the pressure.

Hope everyone's holidays were bearable...here's to a new year.

Merry Christmas

I wanted to send my warmest wishes to all my fellow bloggers for a happy holiday season...may 2008 bring the peace we wish for.

I'm Rudolph!

You Are Rudolph

Sweet and shy, you tend to be happiest when you're making someone else happy. Why You're Naughty: You sometimes stick that nose where it doesn't belong Why You're Nice: Christmas would be a sad affair without you!

Which of Santa's reindeer are you?

Moving forward...

DH and I sat down last night and completed our IVF cycle paperwork...it was pretty easy since we've completed it before and pretty much knew we would freeze anything that we had left and what we wanted done with those frosties should something happen to one or both of us. I called today to make appointments. I am seeing my general practioner on 01/09/08. I will give him the medical release form to complete and sign. Because I'm overweight, my clinic requires a medical release from my GP stating I am in good health and that he sees no reason why I shouldn't move forward. I really hope he signs off on it...though I can't imagine why he wouldn't. Yes, I'm fat...but my blood pressure/cholesterol levels are good...I have no other physical health problems other than my PCOS. I'll be really upset if he doesn't sign it.
I also have an appointment to see my new RE again on 01/16/08. AF came on 12/05...28 days exactly again from my last one on 11/07...which was 28 days exactly from the one before that on 10/10. So if my body keeps this up...I'm due again on 01/02/08. Right before both of my appointments. I'm glad I only bleed for 3 days. I also signed us up for Yoga for Fertility. Acupuncture for Fertility and Couples Massage for Fertility seminars at our clinic. They are free and I figured it wouldn't hurt anything by going.
So that is where we are...moving forward finally. I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time. I had told DH that I wasn't sure if I was emotionally ready to go through another cycle...but the more I think about it...I am. I've been ready since I got that BFN call last May. I want to move forward and not look back. The past is in the past...I can't change it, nor can I forget it...I can just learn from it and move forward.
DH - Love you babe!

New Year's Resolutions...

So as the year is coming to a close (OMG!) I've been thinking about what I want my resolution to be for the new year. Every year I've kinda always said the same things...lose weight, exercise more, be more positive etc...but this year I was thinking about something different. What are you resolving to do in the new year? I need some new ideas...help me out here please!

Feeling Better

I've been feeling better the last few days...thank you all for your comments. DH's aunt died on the 28th of November, and her funeral was on Saturday. It was a bit of a wake up call to me. She was always so happy...even while battling uterine cancer. I have my health...I'll live (God willing) another 40 years at least. Her life was taken from her after only 50 years.

We trimmed our Christmas tree on Sunday as well. There is something uplifting to me about seeing this beautiful tree, all lit up with lights and ornaments. I could look at it all day long.

Sorry for the short post...just not much new.