Family Visit

We had some family visit from PA this past weekend.  They arrived on Friday evening and left yesterday morning.  It was DH's cousin D, her husband C, and their little boy, M.  M turned 2 in April...and this is the first time we've met him.  D is familiar with the pangs of infertility...she and C tried for years to have a baby...only to have M "dropped" in their laps.  A friend of theirs knew someone who was pregnant and wanted to give the baby up for adoption...and once they met, the rest is history!  They are so grateful. 

Anyway, Saturday we had a party to go to!  Lexi's other cousin Connor turned 4...and they had a bumper bowling party! 



Bowling balls that look like pumpkins!



Sunday we spent the day at Babcia and Dziadzia's swimming in the pool

Eating apples of the tree

Needing naps!



Though Lexi was the only one that caught zzz's

Sunday we went to the Shedd Aquarium

My little penguin



Jelly Fish!



Finally got a picture of both of them looking at the camera...on the last morning.



Cousin kisses!



Blogger Issues

For some reason Blogger messed up my template and layout and I can't figure out how to change it back...I'm html illiterate...anyone with suggestions??

Purging

Our marriage counselor suggested in our last session that I might want to consider "moving" the old baby stuff out of Lexi's room and into the basement so that I'm not bombarded with it everyday (it was all in her huge walk in closet).  Yesterday, I started the purge with DH.  I had 8 totes of clothes to go through.  Separating them by sleepers, dresses, sets, onesies and separates.  Saving the items that brought back the most emotion and memories.  I have a tote of bottles and feeding paraphernalia.  I have a garbage bag of coats and snowsuits.  A bag of receiving blankets and crib sheets.  A bag with the original crib bedding and bumpers.  A bag of socks.  A bag of shoes.  A tote of miscellaneous items like mobiles and stroller netting.

I have one medium sized cardboard box filled with the items I want to keep and make into a quilt.  It was easy to choose the items I wanted to keep.  Just seeing an outfit brought back the memories of the tiny 6lb bundle we brought home from the hospital.  The little girl who was 4 weeks early and so small that she didn't fit into any of the 0-3 month clothes we had on hand.  The shopping trip to get preemie and newborn sized clothing that followed her birth.  The familiarness of late night TV because of the sleepless nights that followed.  Those were the same nights I would gaze at her in awe as some obscure program lightened the room.  I couldn't, and still can't, believe she was mine.

I was in her room until after 9pm last night.  It got emotional at times.  Many tears were shed for the babies that aren't here...will never be here.  Going through the tiny clothes was harder than I thought it would be...but the larger sizes were easier. 

This morning DH is making space in the basement that will be designated for "sell".  Either via that famous "list" or garage sale.  All those totes will join that space.  Along with the pack n plays, high chairs and swing.  And when I'm ready, pictures will be put on the "list" and an ad will go out for a garage sale. 

My baby isn't a baby anymore.  And I have to come to terms that there will never be another baby. 

Quilt/blanket

I am going through all of Lexi's old clothes...and I mean ALL of them.  I still have every piece of clothing she ever had.  I'm pulling out items that trigger memories or that I particularly loved.  The rest is being garage saled.  But the items I'm keeping...I want to make into a blanket or quilt...does anyone know how to do this...or do you know someone that does this?

Saving

I'm having a hard time finding areas to cut back on in our life.  Maybe it's me. 

We had 3 cars.  No car payments.  1997 Ford F-150 (DH's daily), 2005 Ford Escape (my daily and our weekender), 1991 Ford Mustang (DH's toy).  Yesterday, DH sold the Mustang.  It wasn't practical.  We can't all fit in it, well, we can't all fit in his truck either, but that's another story.  So we don't have "new" cars.  My car has 120K miles on it already.

Food - I already shop at the A L D I by me for most things...the rest I get at the Wally Mart.  And by rest I mean deli meat and cheese for the most part and the occasional snack food that the discount store doesn't carry.  A L D I doesn't accept coupons...but I do use them at Wally's when I am buying something that I have a coupon for. 

Household items - Things like toilet paper, soap, laundry detergent and the like I buy at Tarjay.  I use the RedCard to get 5% off and any coupons I managed to find.  My RedCard is the debit kind...not a credit card.  I buy generic whenever possible.

Entertainment - We don't go out.  I take that back, we do play in a FREE poker league every Tuesday.  We wind up spending about $30 for dinner for the 3 of us...when we don't have a gift card.  See, the 1st and 2nd place prizes are gift cards to the establishment.  We usually have a gift card.  When we do go see a movie, we make sure it's a matinee...we took Lexi to see Brave last Friday.  We went to the 9:55am showing...the first showings of the day are usually deeply discounted.  So it cost us $15.  We took our own popcorn...and did buy a soda.   Any other times DH and I go ourselves, which is hardly ever, we go because we have free passes.  We have a zoo membership ($108 annual) that we bought last year, so we're able to go to the zoo for free. 

Cell Phones - This I'm looking into.  We are on the cheapest family plan right now...and we've signed up for all the "qualifiers" that get us 5% off our bill (e statements, auto debit etc).  But we might be able to cut this more.  Right now our bill is $150 total for both our lines. 

Internet/Cable - This is the hard one.  We have AT&T.  We've cut our movie channels and HD service.  We have basic cable.  We have basic Internet (which I need to work from home).  We do have a home land line and a business line I use for work.  The home land line we may be able to cut...but I have to look into the bundle and make sure cutting it doesn't increase the cost of the business line.  I can't cut the business line. 

Clothing - DH and I wear the same clothes we've worn for the last 5 years.  Lexi gets new clothes as she grows out of the ones she has (though she's still wearing some 18 month size pj's because hey, they fit).  But I go to the second hand store for them.  Shoes are another story.  She has 3 pairs right now.  Gym shoes, sandals, and a pair of "nice" shoes.  But her feet grow like weeds.

What other areas am I missing?  There may be things that seem obvious that I'm not thinking about...

Not happening

Well, the Tarjay second job isn't going to happen.  It's a 3am start time.  I start work now between 7 and 8.  I am not a morning person...but the biggest reason is that it would be 3-8...which means I'd be "late" for my "real" job.  Not putting my "real" job in jeopardy for an $8/hour job. 

So we're back to square one.  We will be cutting our cable service to the very basic...I can't get rid of internet as I need it to work.  I could get rid of our land line phone...but I still need the other land line for work...

Anyone have any suggestions for cost cutting? 

A second job?

I'm sure I've mentioned that DH is out of work.  Has been since December 14th.  He recently had to go to the unemployment office to "reup" for the federal extension of his benefits.  I can't believe he's been out of work for 6 months already.  We have 6 months of benefits left.  And I feel the clock ticking...if the last 6 months have gone by as quickly as they did, I can only imagine how the next 6 will fly by.

Things have been ok for us financially, but that's about to change.  See, the beginning of the year brings tax refunds and bonuses.  Which were used to help pay the expenses.  That money is pretty much gone now...along with what little savings we had.  Things are about to become tighter than we'd like. Don't get me wrong, we don't buy frivulously...the playset and pool for Lexi were thouroughly researched.  The playset was a steal find on Craigslist...and the pool...well, we were planning on putting her in swim lessons.  It was budgeted for.  Once a week for 8 weeks...the cost was $65.  $65 for 360 minutes of swim time.  The pool cost us $150...well about $250 once you add in chemicals and hoses and other necessary items to keep said pool clean and bacteria free.  $250 for unlimited pool enjoyment.  $185 more than we planned to spend.  But we knew it was a better "spend" in the long run than the lessons that were really glorified play time.  Plus DH and I could enjoy it as well.

Anyway, back on track...things are about to become much tighter.  On a whim, I applied online on Wednesday to the red bullet store.  They called me yesterday.  I called back this morning and they want to setup an interview with me.

I don't know yet how I really feel about working a full time job, and a part time job together, while DH doesn't work.  He IS trying.  He's had a few possibilities...but they are either full time jobs making way less than he is getting in unemployment (which means we wouldn't make ends meet) or they are part time positions making just over the minimum amount allowed by unemployment to keep his benefits.    I work my full time job until 4:30 or 5ish from home.  I put on the application that I could work 6-10pm on weeknights and anytime on weekends, but that I was looking for only about 15-20 hours a week.  I want what is best for our family.  The extra money would help...as would the associate discount!  But I'm conflicted.  Thoughts?

Happy 1st Birthday Little One

Dear Baby,

You should be turning one year old this week.
You should be playing in the pool with your big sister. 
You should be starting to walk and babble. 
You should be smiling a not so gummy smile.
We should be planning a party for you.
I should be ordering a cake.
But none of these things are happening. 
I fear that I'm the only one thinking of you, and wishing you were here.

Mommy loves you little one.

Happy 1st Birthday...whereever you are. 

Where she asks "the" question.

Lexi has been very inquisitive lately...asking lots of questions.  Which is fine.  Until one caught me off guard. 

She asked me when she was going to get a brother or sister.

I had to fight to keep my composure as I told her that I didn't know as I tried to distract her with other things.  10 minutes later I was able to retreat into my bedroom and let the tears flow.  This was the question I had been dreading.  She LOVES playing with other kids and is ENTRANCED with babies.  It breaks my heart even more knowing I can't give her this.  Not because I don't want to...but because my body betrays me. 

What we've been up to

• Mother's Day was nice.  I had breakfast in bed, courtesy of DH and Lexi.  We did dinner with our parents at our favorite BBQ joint named after a Famous Man.
• We bought a pool.  Our HOA doesn't allow for permanent above ground pools, so we bought one of those Summer Escapes metal frame ones that comes down each year.  We put it on the side of the house behind the garage.  There was no grass there anyway, and it was the most level spot.
• Lexi has already been in said pool, despite the water being ice cold
• We are fostering a dog.  Our local Humane Society put a call out to their FB fans looking for a foster home for an Australian Shepherd that was in a kill shelter in Southern IL.  The Humane Society wanted to save him, but had no room for him.  Plus, he's heartworm positive.  So we offiered.  I couldn't have lived with myself knowing a poor animal would be killed and I had means to help.
• This dog is AWESOME.  His name is Sammy and he's SO good.  He gets along with my 2 other dogs, and is GREAT with Lexi.  He listens well and hasn't gotten into any trouble (yet).  Plus, he's beautiful!
• I wish we could keep him...but DH is adamant that we can't have 3 dogs permenantly in our home. 

Making new friends

I need some advice...how do you go about making new friends? 

My DH and I have always been involved in a large social circle...the problem is, no one in that social circle has children.  And apart from one couple, our relationships have become quite strained.  We aren't able to go out on a moments notice...and when we do take Lexi with us, we call it an early night to get her to bed at a reasonable time.  These aren't bad people...they just can't empathize with our situation since they do not have kids. 

DH and I talked about needing to find friends that have kids, or more friends like the one couple...who take Lexi into consideration when maiking plans with us.  I'm not saying everyone has to bend to our wishes...but having someone who understands that you can't call me at 7pm and want to meet up at 8pm.  But we're at a loss for how to do that. 

Lexi is in daycare only one day a week...so we don't meet the other parents.  She's in ice skating...but DH takes her.  I work full time from home.  I've tried joining Moms groups...but they all meet during the day, and I'm working. 

We do hopefully have one prospect...we ran into a guy we play poker with.  He was with his wife and 4 year old daughter.  The girls hit it off immediately, playing all over the seasonal department in Wallymart.  His wife was really nice as well, and we got along.  We exchanged phone numbers in the hopes to setup playdates for the girls.  Now I'm faced with: how soon is too soon to ask for a playdate?  Lexi asked about her new friend Zoe today and wanted to go see her. 

My child is starving for more childhood friends...just like her momma is starving for more momma friends.  Here...where I live.  I know I have all my bloggy friends...and I wish you all lived closer.  Just feeling ho hum today I guess.

PreSchool

Lexi had her PreSchool screening this morning for our district preschool.  There are many private preschools in the area, but only one of the public district's schools offers a preschool program.  Our reasons for wanting to send her to the public school range from getting the most from our tax dollars to having her start school in the same building that she would attend K-3 in to it being one of the better programs in the area. 

She scored at age appropriate and qualified for the community program (what we hoped for).  Since we originally started this process in January 2011, I'm hoping that we'll be lucky enough to get a morning session spot (8:35am - 11:05am) since she naps from 1:30 - 3:30 most days and afternoon session is 12:35pm - 3:05pm.  She will go Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursdays. 

I can't believe we're at a point already of determining schools.  Now we have to determine if we want to keep her in her daycare on Mondays or figure out another arrangement. 

3 year well visit

More for my sake than anyone else's.

Lexi had her 3 year well visit yesterday:

Height: 37 inches (45th percentile)
Weight 28lbs 6oz (20th percentile)

Pedi is not worried about her itty bittiness (seriously...she is wearing size 18 months shorts from last summer) but to make sure her diet is quality...not quantity.  Which we knew already.  No shots given (yay!).

After the pedi visit we stopped at a used sporting goods store and bought Lexi a pair of ice skates.  We then went to open skate at our local ice arena where she skated for the whole 90 minutes of open skate.  If you know me on FB...you've seen the video...but I'll post photos as soon as I can get the camera cord.

Allowances for toddlers?

Lexi has chores that she has to do mostly on a daily basis.  Some of them are "expected" things...like putting her clothes in her hamper, brushing her teeth, and throwing her garbage in the can.  But she also does things that aren't "expected"...like feeding the dogs, helping unload the dishwasher, and helping with laundry. 

Today, I asked her to feed the dogs.  She did so...with only my verbal guidance on the steps.  I gave her 2 quarters afterwards and told her that this was her "payment" for doing her job.  She was so happy to get those quarters (she uses quarters when we go to the mall to ride in those little rides they have) and immediately put them in her "purse". 

My question is...do you think it's too early to introduce an allowance?  I mean, she is only 3...but then again, I don't think that it's ever too early to teach a child the value of money.  What are your experiences/thoughts on the subject?

Happy Birthday Baby!

Dearest Lexi,

Happy 3rd Birthday sweetheart!  You are definitely not a baby anymore...and you tell us almost everyday!  At 3 years old you are:

Potty Trained!  Yep...I never would have believed that potty training would be so easy...but when we decided to go for it, you were 100% on board and ready.  You had one accident that first Saturday and 2 at school that first Monday and that's all.  No daytime accidents since the beginning of February.  And for the last 3 weeks, you've woken up dry every morning and from every nap.  It's almost like you were waiting for Mommy to get with the program.  We've given JP (your neighbor friend) all the rest of your Pull Ups and diapers...so there are no more left in the house.  It still amazes me every day to see you picking out your big girl underwear from your dresser to put on.

You can mainly dress yourself.  You pick your underwear and shirts, while Mommy usually picks your bottoms...though that's only because the weather has been wacky and I want to make sure you wear weather appropriate clothes.  You can get your pants on by yourself...but still have trouble with your shirts.  Socks you always ask for help with, but I think that's laziness on your part and not lack of skill.  You zip your zippers and can almost get the snaps...buttons we're still working on.  Shoes are easy for you.  Though the lack of laces or buckles helps.

Your hair is amazingly long.  The curls make it look shorter than it actually is.  We only ever get to see how long it really is during your bath while it's wet.  It comes down to your butt!  But when dry, it's just past your shoulders.  It's staying blond for now...and I know it will get lighter with the sun...so I'm happy about that.  It suits you.

Your vocabulary has exploded.  You are a chatterbox and will hold entire conversations with us.  I love when you say things are "delicious" and "tasty" though the word "disgusting" sounds hilarious coming out of your little mouth.  You pick up everything we say and understand more than we know. 

You know left from right...all your ABC's...can count to 25...know all your body parts (yes, even those down yonder)...but colors seem to give you difficulty.  If I ask you to point to the "yellow" car you will.  But if I ask you what color car is in my hand you will always say "green".  You can match your colors, but not tell me what colors they are.  We will have to keep working on that.  You know your first and last name, your birthday and the street you live on.  You sometimes forget which number house, but we're just getting started on that.  You know Mommy's name and Daddy's name...as well as Grandma and Grandpa's.  Basia and JaJa's names are still giving you pause...most likely because they are longer ethnic names.

You love crafting.  You have a box full of markers, crayons, colored pencils, scissors, glue, foam stickers as well as a folder full of construction paper.  You love making maps and pictures for everyone.  I have a whole box full of your art projects from school, so I tend to give away some of the home art projects to family.

Speaking of school...you love going to "school" (daycare) every Monday.  You speak highly of playing with your friends and teachers.  I'm hoping this fondness will carry over to preschool this fall! 

You are so lovable.  Your hugs and kisses are sweet and your laughter infectious.  You love to be my "helper" with whatever it is I'm doing at the moment.  And I try to oblige by letting you help.  You feed the dogs, and water the plants. 

Your manners are also something I'm really proud of.  You regularly use "please" and "thank-you"...even to strangers.  "Excuse me" is a norm when you burp or fart...though that's usually followed by a burst of giggles.  You are willing to share with others...and call people by "Mister (insert name) or Missus (insert name)". 

Everybody loves you, Lexi.  But no one more than Mommy.  There is a reason you don't go to bed without hearing me tell you "I Love You" every nap or bedtime.  I want you to know how much you are loved.  I want you to feel it, in my actions, and I want you to hear it.  I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with expressing how you feel...especially expressing how much you love someone.  So I tell you...all the time.  And it melts my heart to have you run up to me and say "Oh Mommy, I missed you so much today.  I love you". 

I love you more and more each day.

Love,

Mommy

In 5 days...

my baby turns 3.  When did this...

grow into this...

Mind dump

• Please don't misconstue my previous post as a plea for comments.  I'm very content with what I get...I would love to find new people to read...and commenters are usually where I start...but I am content.  As I said, I write for me...and for Lexi.
• It's been really warm here the last 5 days.  Hitting records warm.  We've been trying to take advantage of it.  We took Lexi to the zoo on Saturday and spent the day outside almost every other day this week.  Going to playgrounds, the park district pool etc. 
• Yesterday I trimmed back the spireas we have in the front of our house.  My arms are all scratched up from the branches...and I have mosquito bites.  In March.  Wow.
• Lexi had her 3 year old pictures taken on Friday...as well as her Easter ones.  I left the CD at my in-laws...so I will post some later. 
• Both dogs got baths on Friday night.  I took them to a self service pet wash one at a time.  They were filthy...and smelly.  Now they are soft and don't smell of mud and other things that are in the lawn.
• Lexi is signed up for a tumbling class and ice skating class in the next few weeks.  She's so excited about the ice skating class...I couldn't enroll her before because she wasn't potty trained. 
• With this warmer weather we've been having I've had to pull out some of Lexi's shorts from last summer.  One pair of capri's fits her perfectly...they are size 18 months.  Yes, my almost 3 year old is wearing 18 month shorts and capris...and 4T shirts
• I ordered a birthday shirt from Etsy for her.  It should come in the mail this week as it was shipped on Thursday.  I will post photos as well as the shop owner's link once I get the shirt.  I'm so excited!

My thoughts on the recent upheaval

There has been alot of talk going on in the blogging community about inculsion/exclusion and blogrolls and such.  And I wanted to throw my two cents out there.

I blog for me.  I started this blog almost 5 years ago as a way to vent my frustrations with our struggles...a way to document everything that we went through.  I have been a TTC blogger...a pregnancy blogger...a parenting blogger (I cringe at the term mommy blogger)...a pregnancy loss blogger.  I've moved in and out of these topics here...I haven't deviated from this space except for one situation which I didn't think my daughter needed to read about later in life.  See, this blog was also meant for her.  Or, for whatever future children I had, if any.  It was meant as a way for my children to understand why their mom was crazy protective of them...why they never went to bed without saying I love you.  I had hoped that one day, I could pass this link on to them, and they could read what my life was like before them.  While I was pregnant with them.  While they were babies.  Etc, Etc, Etc.

While doing this, I found some really wonderful people who were at the same stage I was.  Most of the people I still follow have children who were born right around the time my daughter was...and some have just had recent additions.  Most of the people I follow, I now know on other social media sites as well.  I talk to them on Facebook, or via email, or via Google Talk.  They are people that I've never met in person...but who I consider my friends.  Who I cry with, marvel with...I'm happy when they have momentous moments...and feel their frustrations when things don't pan out they way they'd hoped.  These blogs I comment freely on. 

But there are also the people that I follow that haven't had their miracle yet.  That don't know if they will ever have their miracle.  I cry with them and feel their sadness through their words.  I can empathize with them, because I know how it feels to want something so badly, and not know if you will ever get there.  But I will be honest and say that I don't comment as freely.  And it hurts my heart to admit that.  To know that these are the people who might need support more than ever, and not feel like I can freely tell them that I feel their pain.  Because I have my miracle.  I have what they are trying for...or what they lost. 

I don't participate in things like ICLW or NaBloMoPo because I don't want someone who is hurting to come across my blog ranting about the pains of potty training or the woes of a toddler that doesn't want to eat and feel more pain.  Perhaps that is a judgement on my part...that they wouldn't want to read my ranting...but I know I didn't want to read about that before I had my daughter.  So I choose to exclude myself from those activities...and by doing so, I lose the possibility of finding NEW readers who are in the same place as me...of discovering NEW friends.

So I find myself wondering sometimes why I continue to post here.  I don't receive but maybe 1 or 2 comments per post...if I'm lucky.  But then I look at my daughter and realize that I post here for her.  So she has a history of her life from her mom's perspective.  So she can look back when she's a mom herself, or when I'm gone, and know that she's not alone...that her mom loves her more than anything and chose to put it out for all the world to see.  To shout from the pages of this blog that she is important.  I blog for her.  I blog for me. 

Food explosion

I wanted to capture this last week...as Lexi seems to have had an epiphany...that there is more food out there than mac n cheese.  In this past week she's had:

Meatballs with her spaghetti (could NEVER even THINK of putting a meatball on her plate)
Garlic bread
Fish sticks (specifically requested by her)
Fried calamari (yes, I know, fried foods aren't great for a toddler, but you don't realize how little she eats...so the fact she ate this is a feat)
Fried broccoli
Steak
about a pound of steamed broccoli
Sweet potato tater tots
Lettuce with ranch dressing
chicken wing

We've eaten out alot this past week...mostly because we were sick over the weekend and didn't grocery shop.  Normally all she wants is mac n cheese.  But she's trying new things...which I'm so happy about.  We would always offer her whatever we had on our plates, but she always fought it.  Now, we can't keep her hands off our plates.  You have no idea how happy this makes me. 

**Lexi is only 27 pounds at 5 weeks shy of 3 years old.  She's not underweight by any means...but she's at the low end of the growth curve for her height of over 36 inches.  She needs size 3T length in jeans...but they literally fall off her.  I buy the adjustable waist, and cinch them all the way to the last button holes.  Even then they are big...but at least they don't fall down.  And now, since she doesn't wear training pants or a diaper, they are even bigger.  She needs suspenders!

I'm hoping this new found love of food adds a pound or two to her tiny frame!

Countdown to 3

I can't believe a month went by without so much as another post from me.  So much for keeping up with things. 

I'm calling it.  Lexi is potty trained.  She hasn't had a day time accident since that first weekend we started the "hard core" training...almost 4 weeks ago...she wakes from nap times dry and most mornings are dry as well.  Though we've still been having her wear a pull up over her undies to bed at night.  We call them her "just in case" undies.  And she knows that she's not to just go in them...that they are there in case she doesn't wake up or doesn't make it to the potty in time in the middle of the night.  She's not even wearing the thicker training pants anymore...preferring the normal underwear...it's still amazing to me to see those tiny undies in the wash!  I'm so unbelievably proud of her...and grateful that this was "easy" for her.

We're also in the middle of planning her 3rd birthday party.  OMG!  Where has 3 years gone??  We're most likely doing 2 parties...one "kid" party and one family party.  The kid party is going to be her cousins and maybe the girls next door.  Lexi chose a pool party at the indoor pool nearby.  It's fairly inexpensive and they do structured activities with the kids in the shallow end of the pool (2ft)...plus provide pizza and pop.  So I don't have to worry about 8 kids running around my house.  Then we'll do a family dinner...both grandparents and her auntie who is coming in from VA.  Nice and laid back. 

I have to say...I'm missing her babyhood a little.  She's so independent and opinionated (like me!).  She's spunky and bright.  We take her to our poker league and everyone just eats her up.  And she loves the attention.  She's so well behaved that I have to remind myself sometimes that she is only 2...especially when she does 2 year old things (like draw on her face with markers...if you know me on FB you saw it!).  She is very mature for her age and I keep waiting for the terrible 2s or even the torturous 3s.  But she's patient and willing to compromise like no other toddler I know.  I know how lucky I am...and I thank the good Lord above everyday for blessing me with the miracle that is Lexi.