Call out for intel from my East Coast readers

I'm not sure where everyone is located...but any readers in the Virginia area? 

My little sister just got offered a teaching job at the Dahlgren Naval Base.  We're in Illinois.  Any intel on neighborhoods to "stay away from"?

Not much going on

The heat has been killer here.  It was 109.9 last Thursday night at 5:30 in the evening....in the shade....and that doesn't take the humidity into consideration.  So because of the heat, we haven't been doing much.  Lexi had a fever on Friday night (104 rectally) and was attached to my hip on Saturday.  But we had family come in from PA and that seemed to perk her up.  Last night was spent with family and friends sitting on a deck enjoying some low humidity temps.  Hope your summer is looking good!

Regression and Being Green

My "big" girl seems to have regressed a little into my baby.  First, I will fully admit that Lexi still drinks her milk from a bottle.  We've tried moving her to a cup, but she's NOT having it.  She drinks everything else from either a regular cup, or a sippy, so I know she's capable.  However, she absolutely refuses to drink her milk from a cup.  I think it has to do with her linking the bottle to "comfort".  Anywoo, I'm hoping that "school" on Mondays will assist us in breaking the bottle habit.  So we deal with about 3 bottles a day.  Mostly 2.  One in the morning when she wakes, and one right before bed at night.  Sometimes there is one in the afternoon if she's been especially henious, but most days it's just 2.  But lately, she also refuses to hold the bottle herself.  She wants mommy to "old it" while she snuggles up in my lap.  I'm not sure if I should indulge her or not.  Some days I do, and others I don't.  When I don't, we end up with a crying child...not angry cry, but "my world is ending because you don't love me enough to hold my bottle cry" that breaks my heart.  We're potty training as well.  Is this her way of trying to stay a baby while she's in the midst of such a "big girl" milestone?  Assvice?

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We live in a newer community that has an association.  In our neighborhood by-laws, we aren't allowed to have a clothes line in the back yard.  I hate that I have to dry my clothes in the dryer all the time.  My laundry room is small...just enough room for the washer/dryer and that's about it.  It's also on the first floor of my house, not in the basement.  Anyone have any suggestions for how I can use my dryer less, while still adhearing to the neighborhood "rule" (which by the way, I think really sucks ass.)

Vacation in photos

4th of July...showing her American Pride!



Swimming for the first time all by herself in grandma's pool!



She loved her cupcake!



Playing Doctor at the Zoo



First baseball game!

After the game with Daddy!

Before the game...showing her SOX pride!

Vacation

The hubs and I have been on vacation this past week.  It's been wonderful.  A short synopsis of what we've been up to (pictures will follow when I get my USB cable from upstairs...I'm too lazy right now)

Sunday - Waterpark with Auntie Bridget and Uncle Joe.  Lexi had a great time...fell asleep on the lounge chair about 3 and slept till after 4.  She looked so cute!

Monday - Holiday party at the IL's.  Lexi swam for the first time all by herself (she had swimmies on her arms!) and loved the freedom!

Tuesday - Poker night for me.  Took 3rd

Wednesday - Zoo with the grandparents.  Saw the lions get "fed".  Though it was more like a snack.

Thursday - Lexi's first baseball game...Chicago White Sox vs. Minnesota Twins.  We lost.  Lexi loved it though.  She received a certificate for her first game from guest relations!

Friday - Date night with the hubs.  Dinner at our fave Italian place, movie (Bridesmaids)...then we decided to go to the casino and play some Hold Em in their poker room.  I tripled up.  It was a great night!

Saturday - RELAX AT HOME

Today - laundry, grocery shopping, swimming at the IL's later, getting Lexi's stuff ready for school*

*We lost our childcare on Monday's...my MIL got a job (good for her, bad for me)...so we had to find something FAST.  Luckily I had 3 options.  2 centers and 1 home daycare.  We went to look at all three on Tuesday.  We threw out one center (HELLO $100 registration fee, and just felt like it was a kids kennel...no warm fuzzies) almost immediately. 

The home daycare option was the least expensive ($25 for the day)...but Lexi would only be with one other child, would have to sleep in a pack n play in a room alone, and there is no backup if this lady or her kids get sick. 

The center we chose was reasonable ($42 for the day).  Lexi would be with about 8 other kids...they sleep on cots...and it's more of a school setting.  That was the biggest factor.  Since she starts pre-school next year, we want to get her ready for the school setting as much as we can.  So she starts tomorrow.  I think she'll love it.  At least I hope she does!!!

Update

So as you can see by my ticker on the sidebar, I've lost 6lbs in the last 5 weeks.  6.4 actually, but the ticker doesn't include the ounces.  Things have been getting easier...or so I thought.  Food choices are getting easier to make.  I regularly decline sweets and fattening foods and don't feel like I'm missing out.  I've been cooking dinner at home every night (except Thursday, when we had Chinese...HELLO sodium!) and been choosing water as my drink of choice.  I also exercised 4 out of 5 days so far.  My walks are slowly getting longer and I'm getting a faster pace.  I'm not as winded right away and my legs don't burn early on anymore. 

But then Thursday came...and it was HOT here.  There is no shade in my new community so walks are in direct sun.  So instead of walking I decided to bust out the 30 Day Shred and head to my basement where it was nice and cool.  Let me tell you...the warm ups had me winded.  Jumping jacks?  Ha...I have a large chest (like DD) so those were not fun.  Push ups?  Yea...had to do them the "girl" way.  I didn't make it through the whole thing.  Only through the 2nd circuit.  I was bummed. 

Friday I HURT!  It hurt to walk...it hurt to sit.  So instead of torturing myself again, I went for a walk.  And felt every calorie that I burned.  I will continue with the 30DS...just at my pace.  I'm so happy to have inspired 2 bloggy friends to start the Shred.  I hope they will keep me motivated and I can provide them some motivation as well.

Overall, the last 5 weeks haven't been bliss...but I'm seeing results.  6.4lbs is gone...and I know I've lost inches as my pants are falling down now (Side story...I went to a bridal shower last weekend and pulled out my dress pants that I haven't worn since starting to work from home in March...and they were TOO BIG.)  I didn't measure until 4 weeks in (OMG are my thighs really THAT big??!!) so I have another 3 weeks before I measure again. 

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Lexi is doing awesome.  We've closed her speech therapy case.  This past Thursday was her last session.  Her ST actually said that Lexi is advanced now...and was shocked when Lexi used the work "Amazing" to describe som toy the ST had.  I'm so happy to have gotten her the help she needed...she obviously a smart cookie and this just helped bring it to the surface!

Happy Birthday Little One

Dear Baby,

Today is your due date...the day you should have been born.  Though I highly suspect you would have made your entrance into this world a few weeks ago, this is the only date I have to recognize you.  It's hard to believe 7 months have gone by since we said goodbye to you.  I still think of you every day, but it's not with the profound sadness that I carried back then.  I think about who you would look like, what your personality would be, but mostly I wonder if you were a boy or a girl. 

The fact that I can't name you is what really hurts my heart.  The fact that you're only known to your Daddy and I as "Baby" hurts my heart.  You should have a name.  You deserve a name.  But nameless you remain.  Maybe one day, Daddy and I will find something that fits you.

You will always be loved.  You will never be forgotten.

Love always,

Mommy

Up and Down

I'm up 2 lbs from last week.  The only thing I can think of is because AF arrived yesterday.  I was under my calorie goals for the week, and I did get some exercise in...not alot...but some.  So I have to assume it's because my body is retaining water due to AF.  I hope that's the case and that next Monday I'll be back down again. 

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My unfulfilled due date is fast approaching.  June 15th.  Though I suspect that I would have delivered by now anyway.  I'm feeling rather down about it.  I can't yet put it into words...

Singing in the rain

I managed to wrangle my husband into going for a walk last night after dinner.  5 minutes into our walk, it started to rain.  But we kept going.  I didn't get my full mile in last night...maybe 3/4.  The rain was freezing cold (it was only about 55 degrees outside as it was) so by the time we got back home we were shivering and drenched.  We only did 13 minutes...but it was something.  And something is better than nothing.

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Lexi also had her 6 month speech evaluation yesterday.  She passed with flying colors.  In the past 6 months, she has gone from speaking at a 12 month level (basically NOT speaking) to speaking at a 27 month level (and she's not yet 26 months old).  A 15 month gain in 6 months.  Proud can not even begin to describe the feeling I had when I got the report.  I can't even begin to tell you the difference I see in her.  Not only in her speech...but in her confidence as well.  She's always been an outgoing kid...but she's even more so now.  And loves to put on "performances" for any audience.  (She will stand on a box, chair etc and sing and curtsy)

I didn't want to stop her therapy cold turkey...so we agreed to move to 2x a month for 2 months and then stop around August.   I'm so happy I was able to get her into the EI program.  I was never "ashamed" that she needed some help, and I think that is one of the reasons why she excelled.  We were totally involved in her therapy...working with her daily...making it fun.  I'd do it again in a heartbeat...she benefited so much and loves her ST.  We'll be sad to see her leave in August.

A new journey begins

Last Monday, May 23rd, I started a new journey.  One that I hope KNOW will bring me happiness.  The weekend prior, I had an "aha" moment that brought me to tears.  You see, I was at the playground with Lexi.  And she wanted me to chase her...simple task, right?  You'd think.  But I couldn't.  A minute or so of running and I was winded.  I couldn't play with my daughter because...I was FAT.  It was all I could do to walk her home without sobbing.  I had spent 5 years trying to get pregnant.  Trying to have a child.  And now I have her and I can't play with her because I chose to eat burgers and pizza instead of healthier options?  I was so angry with myself. 

I still am angry...but I decided to DO something about it.  I WANT to be able to play with my daughter.  I DON'T want to be the mom on the sidelines.  I WANT to be involved.  And I can't do that at 243.6lbs.  So a little over a week ago, I started a "diet".  And I use that term lightly.  I'm not following WW, or Jenny, or Nutri System.  I'm doing good old calorie counting and exercise.  I signed up for My Fitness Pal, an online calorie, nutrition, exercise journal, and was SHOCKED at the calories/fat in some of the things I ate on a regular basis.  I made the commitment.  I was going to do this. 

Last week was hard.  I'm not going to lie.  I walked 1 mile on Monday and Tuesday...ate within my nutritional allotment.  Wednesday night I thought I blew it.  I had fried shrimp.  Savoured every one.  But when I came home and input what I ate into my journal, I realized that I hadn't gone over my allotments.  I had eaten so sensibly for breakfast and lunch, that even "splurging" a little that night didn't throw me into a tailspin.  End result?  I lost 4.2lbs last week. 

So while my new journey isn't about getting pregnant (well, it will be...IVF #4 is this fall!!)...it's something I need your help with.  I NEED people to motivate me.  I NEED to be held accountable.  I NEED people to ask me if I exercised this week.  If I'm not held accountable...I may slip more than I would WITH you.  Lexi is my motivation to do this.  I want to be able to play with her and be active with her...and set GOOD examples for her. 

Has it been that long?

Dear Baby,

I should be 35 weeks along with you at this point.  I should know if you were a boy or a girl.  I should be feeling you hiccuping and kicking.  I should have seen your face on ultrasound by now.  I should be relishing these next few weeks, because if you were to be like your sister, I could have expected you to arrive next week.  I should be shopping for last minute items.  I should be packing a hospital bag.  I should have a name picked out for you.  

Instead, you remain nameless.  I don't know if you were a boy or a girl.  I never saw your face on ultrasound.  I never felt your kicks.  But that doesn't mean I don't think of you.  I think of you everyday when I see your sister's face and wonder if you would look like her. 

You are a part of me.  And I miss you everyday. 

Love,

Mommy

A busy summer

Wow...time gets away from me rather quickly these days.  Unless I make a serious effort to post something, I tend to put it off in favor of being outside...or playing with Lexi.  Either way, the time is enjoyable. 

We had a rather pleasant weekend here in my part of the country.  Sunny and NO RAIN!  Ugh, I was getting so tired of rain day in and day out.  It was nice to get outside and get some fresh air and sun!

Lexi is all signed up for her summer classes.  She will be enjoying all kinds of arts and crafts, swimming, athletics etc this summer.  But not too much.  One class is in June...the next in July...one in August and her swim class overlaps June and July.  She will be a busy toddler.  I'm very much of the opinion that kids need activities to keep them busy...but not so many activities that they have no down time.  This schedule will be perfect for her:

Weeping Willows pre pre-school class.  Wed & Thurs from 9 - 11am June 8th - 30th
Water Babies II Swim class.  Tu & Thurs from 6 - 6:30pm June 14th - July 7th
Toddlers in Action.  Fri 10 - 10:45am July 8th - 29th
Teeny Tiny Tots.  Sat 9 - 9:45am Aug 6th - 27th

Weeping Willows is sans parent...the rest parents attend.  So we'll see how she does without anyone staying. 

Busting the Infertility Myth - IVF Always Works

I'm almost ashamed to admit this, but back in 2006 when my husband and I first learned that we would need IVF to conceive a child, I believed this myth.  We had been trying to conceive for two years at that point.  I didn't know much about Artificial Reproductive Techonolgy (ART) or any of the components to it.  I only knew what I had heard through others...and what my family had been through.  I mean, my Aunt used Clomid and got pregnant and had TRIPLETS.  So, since IVF was more advanced that just popping a pill, it HAD to work, right?

I learned the hard lesson in 2007.  We started our IVF journey in March...I dutifully followed my protocol.  And when I say dutifully, I mean with military precision.  I made sure I took my birth control and Lupron shots at the same time every night to get me through the suppression period.  When it came time to stimulate my ovaries, I took those injections the same way.  Military precision.  Hands washed, everything laid out before me, clean the area well, inject.  Twice a day I did this.  Even now, almost 4 years later, I can tell you EXACTLY what I was doing.  I mean, this was going to work.  We were getting a baby out of this, weren't we?

My egg retrieval was on April 26, 2007.  It went well overall.  I wasn't in any pain afterwards...and they got 23 eggs!  23!!  23 chances for a baby!  How can IVF NOT work with 23 chances??!!  Zero fertilization...that's how.  My day 1 fert report came in on April 27th.  So far, no eggs had started to divide.  They had ICSI'd 16 mature eggs.  We had no embryos.  Transfer was cancelled.

I was devastated.  I was not prepared for this outcome.  I hadn't even had one thought that IVF wouldn't work for us.  No one had ever said to me that there was a possibility that this wouldn't work...or if they did...I just shrugged it off.  All those painful shots...all those hormones I pumped into my body...all those ultraounds, trips to the office for blood work...all for nothing.  I walked out of the doctor's' office on May 16, 2007, after my follow up, empty and heartbroken.  It would be a full year before I was emotionally ready to start again.  To try again. To hope again. 

But I did get back up...and try again in 2008.  I went into that IVF cycle much more aware that things weren't guaranteed. It was difficult to put my body through the process again...but I wanted a baby.  I wanted to feel what it was like to carry a pregnancy.  On August 13, 2008 I underwent my second egg retrieval.  24 eggs this time.  17 mature.  But I didn't want to get excited.  I knew what could happen.  When the fert report came in the next day, I was less than thrilled.  We had 4 embryos.  4 times better than last cycle, but still not a great percentage.  On the morning of August 16th we arrived for our transfer, only to be told that 3 of our precious embryos had arrested during the night.  We were left with one.  One lone embryo.  The doctor gave us a less than 10% chance if we transferred that one.  But I couldn't walk away again.  I had to give that embryo a shot...no matter what the odds.  August 28th will forever be a day I remember.  It was the day my beta came back positive.  And on April 10, 2009, my daughter was born. 

But positive betas don't always mean take home babies.  If there is anything I've learned in the past 5 years it's that nothing is guaranteed when it comes to reproduction.

In 2010, we decided to try to give Lexi a sibling.  Back onto the IVF wagon we went.   By now, we knew the drill...we were following the same protocol that got us Lexi.  No need to fix something that wasn't broken right?  September 29, 2010 was my third egg retrieval.  Again, they got 25 eggs from me.  22 were able to be ICSI'd.  We ended up with 2 embryos this time.  Given that the previous cycle had resulted 3 of 4 arresting...we weren't hopeful that these 2 would make it.  But on October 2nd, both embryos were tranferred back to me.  The doctor said they were perfect embryos..and said we should prepare for the possibilty of twins.

My first beta was October 13th.  It was positive.  We were over the moon with happiness.  93.9 was a good hcg number for 12 days past transfer.  Beta #2, on October 18th, wasn't as stellar.  221.  It had barely doubled.  Beta #3, October 20th...377.  We held out hope.  October 25th...beta #4...1725!  Huge jump!  We were excited.  Maybe we had a late implanter!  Our ultrasound on November 8th, however, revealed that there was no heartbeat.  I was 8 weeks along.  There should have been a heartbeat by then.  There was no explanation as to why my betas continued to rise, but the embryo didn't grow.  On November 12, 2010, I under went a D&C to remove the "product of conception".   IVF worked...but didn't.

The moral of this long post...is that IVF doesn't always mean a take home baby.  The only things IVF does guarantee is a chance.  Only a chance at conception.  A chance at hope.

If you are going through treatment, or thinking about undergoing treatment, know you're not alone.  There are those of us who have been where you are.  Who are willing to listen, and support you.  Do not be afraid to reach out.  We are here to reach back.

If you know someone going through treatment, or about to undergo treatment, please visit the Resolve website below.  If you don't know what to say to your loved one, give them a hug.  Ask them how much they are willing to share...and ask questions.  But please, don't judge them for the choices they make.  Infertility is a harsh reality for many people to face and some may not be in a place where they are emotionally able to share.  And most importantly, don't treat their losses as if they didn't happen.  Acknowledge them.  Those chances at hope deserve it.

To learn more about infertility, visit http://www.resolve.org/infertility101.
Also, please visit  http://www.resolve.org/takecharge to learn more about NIAW (National Infertilty Awareness Week)

Needing to vent

Since I've been working from home, we've had my MIL watching Lexi on Mondays.  I used to drive her to my mom's an hour away and take the train to the office from there...but since I no longer commute, driving her the hour and then coming back seemed silly.  Well, I'm starting to rethink doing it. 

Let me first say, that I love my MIL.  But I can't stand her sometimes.  She's supposed to be watching Lexi on Mondays while I'm upstairs working.  She gets to my house about 8:15 (no problem) and I go upstairs.  Well, I feed Lexi breakfast before she gets here...or at least Lexi is eating when she arrives.  She doesn't feed Lexi anything else until I come down around noon for my lunch...at which time I have to make Lexi lunch AND my MIL lunch as well.  Then I have to put Lexi down for her nap...which she should have gone down an hour before...and clean up the lunch dishes...then go back upstairs to work...within the hour.  When I'm done at 4:30ish I come back down...and have to feed Lexi dinner right away because MIL didn't give her any snacks after her nap. 

I've talked to her about this.  I've told her Lexi should get a snack after she gets up...something to tide her over until 6pm when we eat dinner...if she doesn't get anything then she goes from noon until 6 without eating...and that makes a crabby girl.  I don't know why she doesn't do it.  There are kid "safe" snack foods all in the pantry and Lexi has a cabinet of Gerber foods all to herself.  MIL knows this.

OH and today...OMG...she told me she wanted to get Lexi a little chick for Easter.  I'm thinking a peep or a chocolate chick...NOOOO she meant a REAL LIVE CHICKEN!  I was like, hells no!  But I politely said that may not be the best idea since we have 2 large dogs who like to chase little animals.  I also added that Lexi should never get a live animal as a gift unless DH or I are the ones giving it, OR, we've discussed it and agreed to it BEFORE any purchase is made.  She was miffed.  Ticked.  Pissed. 

I don't know if this is going to work out or not.  I don't have an alternative at this point. 

My own mortality

A friend of mine from high school passed away on Lexi's birthday...she was 34. Apparently, she had just gotten home from vacation...didn't feel well...went to bed and never woke up. The cause of her death hasn't been determined...or if it has, it hasn't been shared. Nevertheless, the thought that she was only a few months older than me, and died in her sleep, scares the shit out of me. I'm not the healthiest person...I'm overweight, don't exercise, and my eating habits aren't where they should be. The thought of Lexi growing up without me, terrifies me. We wouldn't be prepared at this point should anything happen to either DH or myself.

We just applied for life insurance...something we've been procrastinating doing since we got married. I mean, I had a group policy through my job...and do through my new job as well...but it was only 1x my salary. Not enough to pay the house off or send Lexi to college. So we've recently applied...did the blood tests...and are waiting to hear if we're "approved".

 We also need to think about what happens to Lexi should both of us be taken. I want to have something in place that names people that are willing to raise her. My sister being our first choice. We've talked to her about it, and she's agreed...but we have to get it on paper and legal. Anyone know how to do that? My friend passing really put alot of things in perspective...I'm not 15 anymore (though I still don't think of myself as a 34 year old working mom)...I need to start living healthier and making different choices. Not just for me...but for my family.

Picture with the Easter Bunny

A moment I'd dreamed of

Last night before bed, Lexi asked me to again "wock baby". So we sat in the rocker in her room and rocked. Then, she started singing her ABC's. Well, singing them as well as a 2 year old can. And I started to cry. When she was a newborn, singing the ABC's to her in this chair was sometimes the only thing that calmed her. The only song she liked. I've sang the ABC song to her probably thousands of times in her short life...and to have her initiate the song made my heart melt. So we sang together...over and over again. Until she was a limp rag doll in my arms...still trying to sing.

Two years

Dearest Lexi, Today, you turn 2 years old. You are no longer my "baby"...instead...you are a little girl. One with personality and opinions and ideas. You have your own sense of style and of doing things. You amaze me more and more each day with your understanding of the world around you. Your personality is larger than you are...literally. You only weigh in at 23lbs 6ozs, but yet are 34 1/4 inches tall. Which means size 18 month pants fall off your behind, but any size smaller looked like floods. Thank goodness for spring and summer when length won't be an issue. Though you are wearing 2T tops!! We had your birthday party on the 3rd. Lots of family came to celebrate your special day and Mother Nature blessed us with a gorgeous spring day. Mommy doesn't really know what to say anymore...I still feel an overwhelming sense of wonder when I look at you...even 2 years later. I still tear up when we snuggle and you ask me to "wock baybee". I still can't believe we were blessed with the miracle of you. You are an amazing little person...and mommy feels so lucky to be a part of raising you. You may be a little girl now...but you'll always be my baby. Love always and forever, Mommy

Thank you to everyone who commented on my big kid bed dilemma. The biggest problem I foresee is that when we put Lexi to bed, she plays/reads books for awhile before falling asleep. If she's not "contained" in her crib, I can see her wandering around her room and falling asleep somewhere other than her bed. Which really wouldn't be a big deal if she fell asleep...but after last night I'm more hesitant than ever. Those of you who follow me on FB know that I had 105 minutes of a screaming toddler at bedtime last night. She.would.not.go.to.sleep. I don't mind the playing in the crib...but this was all out tantrum. To the point of almost making herself vomit. I think I'll wait awhile longer.

Big Girl Bed = Big Fail

We've had a big girl bed in Lexi's room for about 2 months now. It's a small toddler bed that takes the mattress from the crib. We've been talking about how big girls sleep in beds and little girls and babies sleep in cribs. Same logic we've been doing for potty training. Each night, we give her the option...bed or crib...she always picks crib. We don't speak down about the crib or make her feel bad about her decision. We simply ask, and when she points to the crib, we say ok and give her lots of hugs and kisses and put her in her crib and say nite nite.

Today, for her second nap, I thought I'd try to see if she'd lay in her bed...I knew she probably wouldn't sleep...but what I didn't expect was for her to stand at her door crying. I don't want to scare her from the bed...and if she's not ready then so be it...it's just weird because she will gladly lay in our bed, or in the guest bed, and have her "quiet time".

But my question for all those who have transitioned their kids to big kid beds...how did you do it? Was there any crying at the door? How did you keep them in bed? Did you start with naps and move to overnight? I have no idea how to do this.