Good bye 2010

I'm happy to be starting a new year. 2010 was a mix of the happy and unhappy:

• I was having troubles with my manager at work.
• Said manager left the company!!
• Lexi turned one
• We lost baby #2

There were lots of smaller ups and downs...but these were the ones that stick out.

Things I'd like to accomplish in 2011

• Save more money
• Pay off debts
• Have another baby (or at least get pregnant again)
• Reconnect with my DH more

I hope everyone has a safe, prosperous New Year.

All things holidays

It's been a crazy week, and it's not even over yet. I'll start by saying Christmas was great. We spent Christmas Eve at the in-laws like we normally do. Lexi thoroughly enjoyed herself and only had one small meltdown at dinner. She wanted to sit on momma's lap, but we weren't letting her out of her booster chair. Bad momma! Anyway, she received wonderful gifts from DH's parents and his aunt. I must say, his aunt did spectacular...and she's not known for her gift giving skills (I got socks one year...men's socks)...but it's the thought right? But Lexi got this toy which she LOVES...and this toy which she equally loves from her. From her grandma she got this toy...which is WAY above her age level. The box says ages 6 and up...uuummmm...she's only 1. She also received another alphabet electronic toy, but I can't remember the name of it so I can't link it. But it's much like the Leap Fr0g one. When we came home, Lexi put out her cookies and carrots for Santa and his reindeer, and also a bottle of Coke (because Santa wanted Coke from her and not milk).



Christmas Day was spent at our house. I relished the look on her face as she came down the stairs and got her first glimpse of the presents under the tree. I took video, but can't figure out how to upload it, and I don't have any pictures...so you'll just have to believe me when I say it was priceless. Santa came again this year to visit her after he made all his deliveries...and she actually hugged him. It was an amazing day being with family.

Lexi's godfather, his son and his girlfriend, then drove in from PA on Monday to stay with us...though we didn't know he was coming under Monday morning. Needless to say, there was alot of rushing around to clean and change sheets before they arrived.

Tuesday we all went to see Jeff Dunham. Jeff-fa-fa Dun-HAM dot cooomm. If you've seen his show, you know what I'm referring to. I loved it. I'm reading his book now and while it's not the most cohesive book (he jumps around alot) it's a good read. I'm such a huge fan of his...and have been since before he was so well known.

Wednesday was spent at the in-laws in the evening. DH and our house guests went into the city to the Mag Mile and Navy Pier to see the Christmas displays.

Last night was the first night in 3 days I got to sleep in my own bed (since we gave up our room to our guests).

I'm excited about NYE. I'll have my New Year's post later.

Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and that everyone enjoys their New Year and "plays safe".

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all my blog friends.

You have been there for me when I've needed you the most.

I wish nothing but joy and happiness to each and everyone of you this holiday season.

Humbug

As Christmas gets closer I'm feeling more and more "bah humbug". I don't want to say sad or depressed...because I don't feel like those adjectives fit. I'm excited for Lexi to experience Christmas...we have a few things planned for her on Christmas Eve (cookies for Santa, carrots for reindeer etc)...I'm happy to be spending 2 days with family...even though they can drive me crazy. But I'm also stressed. So much so that I'm not sleeping much at night. I lay awake and think of all the things I need to do before Saturday...gifts to buy and wrap, house to clean etc. Then I stress about money...how much are we spending...can we afford that? etc. Then I start thinking of my dear husband snoring away next to me...and how much crap he's had to put up with with me. And how I really need to find out why my libido has dropped to near nothing. Because he deserves a wife who wants sex. I stress about work...and wonder if I'll get screwed like I did last year. And pray that I don't.

Life is hard. Being a grown-up is hard. Somedays I just want to be a kid again. Today is one of them.

She didn't cry

I'm so proud of my little peanut...though I am sad that I don't have the "child screaming on Santa's lap photo" that seems to be the norm with kids this age.

Seeing Red - TMI Post (Feel free to skip)

Humiliated...that's how I'm feeling right now. I got to work about 8:30 this morning and promptly had to pee...well, when I went to use the ladies room, I found that my feminine hygiene product did not to it's job and I was literally seeing red. My underwear were unwearable and my pants (thank goodness I wore the black ones today) were also wet. I had to toss the undergarments in the trash! I wanted to cry!! Obviously being at work, I had no change of clothes, and the Lane Bryant didn't open until 9:30! I was so uncomfortable and embarrassed going into the store. They changed their sizing and I wasn't 100% sure what size I would be. The lady told me to go try on the pants...and didn't understand why I kept telling her I couldn't...being that I wasn't wearing any underwear and all. Luckily, one of the other sales women picked up on my uncomfortableness and resistance to trying on the pants and saved me. She told me "it's happened to me" and to gather what I needed from the lingerie department...and allowed me to use their restroom...then showed me to the fitting room so that I could finally try on the pants.

I've never had this happen to me to this extent. I mean I've "leaked" before...but never like this. I've been going through "products" every 2 hours. I hope this isn't a new normal.

Exactly 4weeks and 2 days after my D&C Aunt Flo decided to grace me with her presence. Lucky me.

******************

It's cold here today. Very cold. Like single digit air temperatures cold. Add the wind chill to that...and well, you can guess...it's COLD! Thank goodness for crock pots...fleece blankets...hot cocoa...fires in the fireplace.

4 weeks

Today, I should be 12w2d pregnant...instead, it's the 4 week mark since my D&C. It's hard to believe that I would be entering my 2nd trimester soon...possibly sporting a small baby bump. I can't help but think about those things. Those "I should be's".



No one asks anymore how I am. It's almost as if it didn't happen. It's almost as if I'm the only player in a nightmare. Alone. That's really how I've been feeling. Utterly alone. Even DH doesn't talk about it. The only person I feel I can talk to about it is Lexi. Funny huh? Talking to a 20 month old about their lost sibling. But I find comfort in showing her the ornament that hangs on the tree to remember her baby brother/sister. Even if she doesn't understand.

Snow, tantrums and tree in photos

She LOVED playing in the snow

She didn't want to come in.

Her hair is ALMOST long enough for a single ponytail

Christmas Tree

First Snow

We received the first snow of the season last night. About 4 inches of the fluffy stuff fell as we slept. I woke up to this...

And it's still falling. I can't wait to take Lexi out in it. When she saw the snow...she just stared out the window...unsure of what to make of it. It's going to be a fun winter.

Early Intervention Evaluation

Lexi had her EI eval yesterday morning. I was nervous to say the least. I was afraid they were going to tell me I was royally screwing up my child and she should be stripped from my care. Well, not really...but you get the point.

First off, the DT and ST were late. So this didn't start things off well with me. I'm a punctual person...and if I'm going to be late, I call. They were 15 minutes late and didn't call, so I was not happy to start with. But they were REALLY nice. They sat on the floor in our family room and basically played with Lexi, while asking me and my mom (my mom was there as well since she watches Lexi 4 days a week) questions about my pregnancy, Lexi's birth, her health, her daily habits etc.

They marveled at how open she was with them...willingly going up to them to play and do the things they were asking. They kept asking me if she was always this easy going...my answer was obviously yes, she is. And it's true...Lexi is very social and loves other people and kids. It might take her a minute or so to warm up, but then she's off!

As for the actual evaluation...I'll post more when I get the detailed report, but a short version:

They graded her based on an adjusted age of 18 months (because she was a month early) and she only scored at a 12 month level for verbal skills...which qualifies her for speech therapy services. While I'm not happy about her score, I'm thrilled that she qualified for services. I know she will only benefit from them, and I would hate to NOT have her qualify and have to wait for her to fall further behind (she's only a 33% delay and they need a 30% delay to qualify) before she could get assistance.

HOWEVER...she scored consistently at a 21 or 22 month level for her receptive language as well as ALL her developmental skills. I always said she was a smart cookie! Some of the tasks that they asked her to do, they preceded with "We don't expect her to be able to do this yet, but we'll try...", and she mastered them! Which actually surprised both the DT and ST. Lexi was able to identify both pictures of nouns (which one is the ball?) AND verbs (which one is sleeping?). I'm told the identification of the verbs is way above her age.

Anyway, that was my day yesterday. I'm VERY happy about being able to get her the assistance she needs now. The ST actually thinks she may only need a month or two of weekly sessions and she'll be all caught up!

Healing

Today, I managed to talk to someone about my miscarriage without tears welling up, or getting choked up. A client of mine had called, and after we discussed business, he asked how Lexi was doing...then proceeded to ask when we will have another. Now, before you think this is a weird thing to be talking to a MALE client about...it's really not. He's a wonderful person and his daughter was born almost exactly one year after Lexi. We talk about our kids all the time. So when he asked when I plan on having another...I kind of hesitated and said "well, I actually just lost a baby about 3 weeks ago". He expressed his condolences and went on to tell me his wife lost one before his daughter was conceived. I was able to have a whole conversation with him without getting choked up. I don't know if it's because he experienced the same pain or not...but it felt good to be able to talk about it without sobbing.

*********************************

Lexi has her EI evaluation tomorrow. Both a speech and developmental therpist will be coming to my house at 9am to meet with Lexi. I sure hope things go well and that they think she qualifies.