One year ago...

I received the call that would forever change my life. It's so hard to believe that it's been one year since I had my blood drawn for that first beta. One year since I sat at this very desk in my home office....waiting for the phone to ring...willing it to ring. Jumping every time it did only to be disappointed to see a work colleague's number on caller ID. Finally, just before 3pm, the call came.

Me: Hello?
Nurse: May I speak to Amy please?
Me: This is she
Nurse: Congratulations your beta came back at 137
Me: Are you sure? Please make sure you're reading the right file...this would be a cruel joke
Nurse (laughing): I'm sure...you are pregnant.
Me (Crying hysterically): Oh my god!....

The rest of the conversation entailed the nurse scheduling me for a follow up beta and me babbling about not being able to believe it.

I'll never forget that call. It changed my life. It changed me. From that moment on, I was no longer "just" me. I was also a mom.

20 weeks

Dear Alexis,

20 weeks old. Technically, 5 months old. Where has the time gone?

You have really found your voice...and babble ALL the time. It's precious to hear you trying new sounds and stringing them together. Mommy took some video yesterday of you "talking" while you were eating your carrots. Oh yea, didn't I mention? You had carrots for the first time yesterday. You loved them...smacking your lips and licking them. It was SO funny to watch...yet so sad too. As I know you are growing up.

You also love to lay on your tummy and play "airplane". You arch your back and lift your head and arms, so it looks like you're flying. You entertain yourself for a longer stretch now as well. We can put you in your highchair with some toys and actually enjoy our dinner! We used to have to either scarf it down, or eat it cold, after we tended to you.

You have your first professional photo shoot on Sunday afternoon. I scheduled it for 12:30 as you are normally just waking up from a nap at noon...and you're always such a happy girl when you wake up. I hope you are in a good mood on Sunday and smile big for the camera!

It's been 8 weeks since mommy went back to work. And everyday is still a struggle. I find myself making excuses to work from home, so I can sneak in a snuggle or two during the day. It really refreshes me. Grandma is still here those days watching you...she takes you for walks in the buggy, to the playground to swing on the swings. And today, you get to go to lunch with Grandma and mommy's aunt. You're such a lucky girl. You have so many people who love you so very much. But none more than me.

I love you baby girl...for now, forever, for always.

Mommy

19 weeks

I had this post saved to drafts and forgot to publish it.

Dear Alexis,


You're 19 weeks old today...holy cow has the time gone fast. You had your 4 month appointment with Dr B on Tuesday. You were NOT happy to see him, and cried when he walked in the room. I think you remembered what happened at your 2 month appointment when you got your first shots. And like that day, you got shots again. And again you looked at me with that "Why Mommy" look and cried. Broke my heart.


You got a fever that night as well...your first. You were a miserable baby, and sure let all of us know. You didn't want anyone to hold you except momma...so I stayed home from work to snuggle you and comfort you.


You tried prunes for the first time this week as well. Didn't really like them. I don't blame you...mommy didn't like them either.


Mommy is still struggling with leaving you to go to work. Every morning at your 4am feeding, I hold you close, inhale your sweet baby scent and tell you I love you. I try to soak in as much of you as I can to get through the day...but it's never enough. Baby girl, please understand that mommy is doing this in order to provide for you. If I had any other choice, I would stay home with you in a heartbeat. You're growing so fast, almost right before my eyes it seems, and I feel like I'm missing out.

I love you with all my heart,

Mommy

Niagara

DH and I are planning a trip to Niagara Falls. Lexi's godfather lives in Erie, PA along with his parents and sister. His sister couldn't make it in for her christening, so she's never seen our precious little one. We decided in July that we'd make the trek out to PA to visit, and since they are only 2 hours from Niagara, visit the falls as well. Needless to say, since this was all kinda last minute, we aren't 100% prepared to go. None of us have passports...so we can't go to the Canadian side of the falls. We have no hotel yet in Niagara...we're hoping someone will have a vacancy when we get there! I have 2 weeks, to see if I can "plan" a nice vacation...anyone in the Erie area?? Suggestions for me??

Fever

Lexi had her first fever Tuesday night and yesterday. I'm sure it was a reaction to all the shots she received. She was a little cranky Tuesday and clingy, which I expected. Around 10:30pm she started to cry, and when we picked her up, she felt warm, but she went back to sleep almost immediately. Around 1am she woke again, this time she felt really warm. Took her temp...102.8. Needless to say, she was miserable. We had given her Tylen0l around 5pm Tuesday...and we gave it again to her at the 1am wakeup. Yesterday her temp hovered around 101, but finally went below 100.4 (high normal rectal temp) and was at 99.9 before bathtime last night.

I stayed home from work yesterday to be with her. I felt guilty leaving her today to come to work. All my thoughts are with her every second I'm away from her...and I'm afraid my work is going to start suffering. I REALLY need to find some kind of balance...but all I want to do is stay home with her...

4 month well visit

Today was Lexi's 4 month checkup

Weight - 14lbs 4 oz (50%)
Length - 25" (75%)
Head - 40.2cm

Dr was happy with her growth and development. Made a few comments on her great head control...and that she likes to stand. We talked about the strawberry hemangioma on her head...he won't do anything about it...it needs to shrink on its own. I'm not to thrilled with that, because I keep hitting it with her comb...but oh well. I'll just have to be more careful!

She got 3 shots today and her oral Rotovirus. She was asleep even before we got to the car!

Pics

In the dress JJ sent us when I was born. It was finally HOT enough for me to wear it this weekend!!

Look how BIG I'm getting!

I love my garanimals

I look like a little lady!

My bumbo! Mommy puts me here so she can blow dry my hair!

On this day, 1 year ago

my baby was transferred back to me from her home in the petri dish. I remember the drive to the RE's office. We still thought we had 4 embryos growing. It was a clear, sunny day. I remember looking up at the clouds and "talking" to my grandma*. I remember asking her to please watch over my little embies, and that if she had any pull with the Man upstairs, to please ask Him to "help us out".

When we arrived at the RE's, we found out that 3 of our 4 embies had arrested during the night, and we had only 1 survivor. My DH was visibly upset, but I was strangely ok with it. I remember feeling eerily at peace and optimistic. When they transferred that embie back to me, I remember saying to DH, "I'm pregnant until proven otherwise".

One year ago...

My daughter was conceived. On August 13, 2008, I went into my RE's office in downtown Chicago for my egg retrieval. 22 eggs were taken from me, 16 were mature. I would find out the next day that 4 had fertilized. One of those 4 is Lexi.

To say I'm in a different place today than I was a year ago is quite the understatement. My life has certainly changed...but so have I. I look at my daughter with wonder and excitement. 2 feelings I didn't feel very often a year ago.

Happy Blogoversary to me

When I created this blog 2 years ago, I wasn't in a very good place. I had a failed IVF cycle behind me (May / June 2007) and I began searching the internet for solice. I came across a blog of a woman who had been through numerous IVF cycles, and a recent miscarriage. As I read her words, my heart pounded. Her emotions were my emotions. I started clicking on links within her blog and found other women who were dealing with the same things I was. Through this one woman's blog, I found what is now referred to as the ALI community. I had found my home. I started my blog shortly after I found this community. It was a way for me to vent, to put my feeling out there, with no worries about backlash. My family was oblivious, as were my friends. But I began to find that I could count on the support network that having this blog provided me. As time went on, and my status changed from cycling to pregnant and now to parenting, I've followed other bloggers out there who where doing the same, and others who were still fighting the battle. I know that over time, I've lost some readers, but there are a few people out there that I really consider to be my friends...even though we've never met.



I don't know what I would have done had I not stumbled upon that blog 2 years ago. So, Jenna, if you're out there and reading. Thank you.

I thought this was only a pregancy thing...

When I was pregnant, I would occasionally have an issue where my blood sugar would fall quite low (I failed my 1 hour test because my blood sugar was only 32). I'd get really weak feeling, start to shake a little, and get a hot flash. I carried with me glucose tablets that I could take to quickly bring my sugar back up. I think I only had 3 or 4 instances where I had to take the glucose because I was feeling really crappy. Well, it happened again today. I had a bagel for breakfast around 8:30am. At 1pm I walked across the street to grab some lunch. When I got back to my desk, I started feeling a little funny. Then I noticed the shaky hands and got hit with the hot flash. My immediate thought was "SHIT! I don't have any glucose with me!". Luckily I remembered that I gave a coworker a roll to keep in her desk, "just in case". I managed to go retrieve them and popped one before I got too shaky.

I thought the hypoglycemia was only a pregnancy thing with me...I'd never had an issue with low blood sugar before I was pg. But I guess not...I'll have to make an appointment with my GP to talk to him about this.

Alexis remains the same lovable, huggable little baby she was last week. I could just eat her up! She celebrated her 4 month birthday yesterday! I can't believe she's 4 months old already! She has her 4 mo well check and shots coming up a week from today. Poor baby will be miserable after that!

Happy 17 weeks

Happy 17 weeks baby! I can't believe how much you've grown! Mommy has 2 boxes of clothes that don't fit you anymore! I pulled out my favorite sleeper today and it's SO tiny! I can't believe you used to swim in it!

You got bananas for the first time on Wednesday! And you LOVE LOVE them! Mommy was a little upset that auntie gave them to you without asking, but she had a point...I DID have the jars on the counter. So now you get bananas for breakfast and dinner, along with your bottle. You kick your legs and get all excited when you see the spoon, it's so cute.

You're wearing 6 month sleepers and 3-6 month clothes...so you're "right on track". Mommy is a little concerned about your strawberry on your head...since you have SO much hair, the strawberry gets caught on the comb! So I've added it to my list of things to talk to Dr B about. The other strawberries don't seem to cause you any pain and they aren't in the way of clothes or anything, so we won't worry about those just yet.

Yesterday while you were "swimming" in the big tub, you were trying to roll over onto your tummy...and you did! If it weren't for mommy holding your head, you would have gotten a face full of water...though you don't seem to mind water in your face. You regularly stick your face in the water whenever you can!

You also now love to play with toys...you have a glow worm (it's a seahorse really) that lights up and plays music...and when mommy puts it going for you, you love to snuggle up to it and touch the lighted tummy and it's head.

I look forward to these next few weeks as you're discovering and doing something new almost everyday...but don't grow up too fast, my love.

Love always,

Mommy

Dear Alexis,

You're 16 weeks old and Mommy has been back to work for 3 weeks. And it's been a hard 3 weeks. For both of us. I'm sorry I have to work, baby girl. I know that going to gramma's at 5am on Monday mornings isn't your favorite thing to do...trust me, it isn't Mommy's either. But I have to work. It physically hurts me to be away from you. Mommy can handle a few hours, but all day? Way too much for me to handle. I don't want to miss anything. We spent a long time together, just the 2 of us. First while you were growing in my tummy, and then your first 12 weeks of life. We cried together, slept together, ate together, played together, laughed together. It was just you and me kiddo. And Mommy misses that.


I hold you at night sometimes after your bottle, and you're in that cute "not quite asleep yet" stage. Your eyes are all droopy, but you hang on to me. And while I know it's just your reflexes, Mommy likes to think that you know what you're doing. It's during these quiet times together that Mommy gets overwhelmed with emotion. I love you so much. My eyes still well up with tears of happiness when I hold you close. I hope that when you're old enough to read these that we are still as close as we are now.

I love you.

Love,

Mommy