The Wonder of Disney

After having slept yesterday until 10am, and napping for 2 hours in the afternoon...the fever was pretty much gone.  She still had a cough...but we made the decision to take Lexi to Disney On Ice's Dare to Dream last night.  We had been talking to her about it for days, and she was so excited about it, we couldn't bear to break her heart.  And it was a good decision.  We packed her up, grabbing her princess dress and crown at the last minute, and drove the hour into the city.  Once we got there and got inside, I pulled out her dress and crown and put it on her.  OMG I'm so glad I did.  Everywhere you looked, little girls were dressed as Rapunzel, Cinderella, Snow White, Tiana etc.  I would have had an upset little girl had I not thought to grab her stuff...and I almost didn't.  Didn't want to carry any "extras", but figured it fit in my bag, so I might as well.

Let me tell you...the show itself was great.  We were 13 rows back from the ice, so we had an unobstructed view.  Well, DH and I did.  We did buy Lexi her own seat, but a tall adult sat in front of her, so she ended up sitting on one of our laps for the whole show, and using her seat for coats.  I don't know if anyone has ever gone to a show before, but Mickey, Minnie, Donald and Pluto start things off...and when she saw Mickey skate out on the ice, her little face crumpled and tears came to her eyes.  I thought she was scared, and I asked her if she was scared or sad...she said "No mommy, I very very happy".  Well, that just brought tears to MY eyes.

She watched the whole show.  And I watched her watch.   She was mesmerized.  I don't think she closed her mouth the whole time.  She ended up sleeping in her Cinderella dress last night, and woke up this morning in a very good mood...and feeling much better than she has in days.  

Here are some photos:




Mickey, Minnie and Pluto at the start of the show




Tiana and her Frog Prince Nuveen




Cinderella



During intermission...yes, we bought a Cinderella doll.



Flynn Rider and Rapunzel and a lucky guest release a lantern




Belle and "the Beast"




This was at the start of the show.



You can't see, but her mouth is open.  She was like this the whole time.

Sick

Lexi is sick.  Has been since Sunday.  Fever, cough...the poor child is just miserable.  We went to the pedi yesterday...her lungs are clear, no ear infection.  Just a really bad cold.  Tylen0l for the fever, clear fluids.  We have tickets tonight for Disney on Ice.  She has been looking forward to going.  The pedi said he doesn't see why she can't go.  So we'll see.  Right now, she's resting with Daddy...having slept until 10am this morning.  (She was up twice last night...once at 12:45 and again at 6am).

What's next?

I have no clue.  We knew this was going to be our last insurance covered cycle.  We knew that.  But the possiblity that we wouldn't have ANY embryos to transfer never entered my mind.  Sure, we've had crappy fertilization in the past...but I never thought I'd be faced with another cycle with no embryos (our very 1st cycle back in 2007 resulted in the same). 

So now I'm faced with feeling like I'm not ready to give up...with the very real notion that I may have to.   The RE seems to think the problem lies with DH's sperm.  They ICSI'd the 10 mature eggs that they got.  My eggs seemed to be "up to par"...but still, the same result.  Dr C mentioned donor sperm and IUI.  He thinks it could work for us...since, again, he thinks the problem is DH's swimmers.  But DH isn't 100% open to that idea.  And I'm not there yet either. 

How do you tell one child that they aren't biologically their father's when the other is?  How does that affect the child?  How would that affect Lexi?  Would it?  Would DH later disown that child in the event our marriage ended?  Could he legally?  Those are the questions swimming in my head. 

The wound is so raw right now...

Meds

So as a result of this cycle being a bust I have meds available.  I'd like to recoop some of my money, but not looking to turn a profit.  Let me know if anyone is interested in the below:

900iu Follistim cartridge
300iu Follistim cartridge
4 boxes of Endometrin
2 boxes of Vivelle patches

I also have countless needles and syringes. 

Heartbroken

My clinic just called.  Of my 13 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature for ICSI...but none fertilized.  We have zero embryos.  None.  Zilch.  Zero. 

I'm heartbroken right now.  We have no more insurance coverage.  We can't afford another cycle.  We're done.  This was my worst nightmare.  Literally, I was up last night worrying about how things were going.  I guess my subconcious knew.

I have no idea how to deal with this right now. 

ER

13 eggs retrieved.  Not bad...but F.U.C.K!  That is the least amount of eggs I've gotten in 4 cycles.  I know I'm older and all...but was really hoping for more.  Fert report tomorrow.

Trigger

I triggered last night at 9:30.  I've never used Ovidrel before...so it was strange to me to inject a trigger sub-q instead of IM.  But I guess it was a good thing though...for we decided to head to our poker league and I had to trigger in the middle of the tournament.  Sub-q's go much faster than an IM. 

One thing to note...this cycle...OMG are my nips SORE.  My Tshirt rubbing against them feels like sandpaper. 

Monitoring Appt #5

Thank the Lord...I'm triggering tonight.  At my appointment this morning the U/S tech thought I might go another day.  My largest follie from yesterday vanished so she thought they'd stim me another day...BUT when I called the Lab Line just now...I'm triggering tonight at 9:30pm!!

Right - 19.5, 18, 16, 16, 13, 11
Left - 17, 17, 16.5, 16, 16, 15.5, 13.5, 13.5, 12.5, 10

Though she was having a hard time with my right side.  Seems my uterus shifted and was making it hard to see.  So I may have one or two more in there.

Lining is 10.1mm
E2 is 3024

My E2 level scares me still.  I know anything over 2500 runs the risk of OHSS...but at least it's not as high as the 4200 it was last time. 

ER will be Thursday, January 26th at 9:30 am. 

If you remember, can you say a little prayer for us on Thursday?  They would be much appreciated.

Monitoring Appt #4

Today is day 11 on stims.  The longest I've gone is 12 days.  The end is near...I hope.

Right - 21, 18, 17, 14.5, 12.5, 11, 11
Left - 17, 15.5, 15.5, 15, 14, 12, 11.5, 11.5, 10.5

E2 is 2435
Lining 10mm

I only have 2 days worth of Menopur left.  One for tonight and one for tomorrow.  I hope that's enough.

Monitoring Appt #3

So I don't have much in the way of numbers today.  Only that my E2 was 1971.  Because it is the weekend, the doctor actually calls you and he doesn't relay the follie size.  I'm to go back tomorrow (another 90 mile drive!!) for another scan.  Today I've been on stims 10 days.

Monitoring Appt #2

Nothing interesting...just for my own records...

Right ovary - 15, 13, 12, 10.5...and more smaller ones
Left ovary - 15, 12, 12, 11, 10.5, 10...and more smaller ones

Lining - 9.5
E2 - 931

Back on Sunday for another wanding and bloodwork

I'm starting to feel a tad bit uncomfortable.  Leftie sits right under my uterus...so I feel the "expansion" as follies grow.  It also makes the wanding a wee bit painful as well.  The lengths we go...

Monitoring Update

For my records...

monitoring yesterday...

largest follie 12mm.  all on left side are less than 10mm.  This is after 5 full days on stims.
Lining 7.5
E2 - 340

To freeze or not to freeze

My clinic just called to talk to me about possibly freezing any remaining embryos we might have after ET.  I had to laugh.  We've done 3 IVF cycles...and have had 3 viable embryos make it to transfer.  We've never had anything to freeze. 

But the thought is there.  What happens if, with this new clinic, we miraculously end up with 6 or 7 embryos?  Obviously, the RE isn't going to transfer all of them back to me.  I brought it up with DH...he's not for freezing any.  He said we can't afford 3 or 4 kids, that I'm already 35 (too old) and that we can't afford the cost to freeze them ($1200, which I agree, we can't)...I told him that I can't wrap my mind around "throwing away" 3 babies.  Because in my head, that's what we'd be doing.  He told me that I was being unreasonable and overly emotional about the decision. 

How can I NOT be emotional about it?  We're talking potential babies here...not just eggs or sperm...but actual embryos. 

I don't know why I even bothered bringing it up to him.  It's not like we ever get "extras" anyway. 

But, I want to know...has anyone ever made the decision to NOT freeze extra embryos?  What were your reasons?  How did you feel about the decision?  Any regrets?

Day 5

Today is day 5 of stims.  I'm slowly starting to feel the bloating in my ovaries.  I have my first monitoring appointment tomorrow morning.  I'm also going to be transporting DH's frozen sperm from our old clinic to the new one in prep for our ER next week. 

NEXT WEEK!!!???

Holy shit...I'm so not mentally prepared for this cycle.  I've been so busy with other things that I haven't really been thinking about this cycle. 

Clear

I'm clear to start stims on Friday.

225u of Follistim in the mornings
75u of Menopur in the evenings
reduce Lupron to 5u

My lining was 2.4 and my E2 less than 15. 

Here we go.

Baseline

I had my baseline b/w & US this morning.  I'll find out after 2:30 if I'm clear to start stims on Friday!!

It was interesting sitting in the waiting room and seeing all the women come in.  At my old, much larger, clinic...we weren't on any "schedule" per se.  Meaning the ER's and ET's were not scheduled for a particular week during the month, and monitoring was able to be done at the satellite offices, so there weren't many people in the waiting room.  This clinic is much smaller, operates on a "schedule", and only does monitoring at one location.  So there were about 10 women in the waiting room with me. 

I was surprised at how easily I was able to guess which ones appeared to be "first timers" and which ones were "vets".  The first timers sat in the waiting room, either giddy with excitement or sick with nervousness.  They couldn't focus enough to read a book or magazine.  Their partners were by their sides, equally giddy or nervous.  There were about 4 of those women in the waiting room this morning. 

The vets on the other hand, were there alone...seemingly aloof...oblivious to anything going on around them...consumed by their book/ipod/magazine.  But you could see it in their faces.  The worry.  The apprehension.  Their wish to be the giddy, nervous one.  The first timer.  I sat included.  Wishing I didn't know that out of the 10 of us...maybe 5 would get a BFP...and of those 5...maybe 3 would get take home babies.  I wish I didn't know all the things that DO go wrong. 

I'm more nervous for this cycle that I was a week ago.  Some of that has to do with things that have been going on here at home...but most of it is because I'm afraid of a BFN.  But yet, I'm afraid of a BFP too.  Because a BFP doesn't mean a take home baby.  And I'm not sure my heart can take much more.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone!  2012...man...where has the time gone. 

Last Friday we received awesome news in the mail...DH was approved for his unemployment benefits!  We're so happy that we will have some additional income coming in other than mine.  We were really stressing out on how we were going to pay all the bills in January.  Now, we should be able to. 

NYE was spent with my best friend and her husband at our house.  We celebrated with Lexi around 9pm and she got to pop some of those popper things that have the streamers in them.  She was asleep by 9:30.  It was low key and just what I liked.

Saturday was also my last bcp.  So I'm expecting AF to come any day.  The Lupron isn't so bad.  I haven't had any headaches or hot flashes yet.  But I'm only a week in so it can still come.  My baseline is the 11th.

Now onto another dilemma.   There is one salesperson that I support that all through the year he'd joke whenever I got him out of a jam that he'd make sure I was taken care of at Christmas.  Today, I received a check in the mail...drawn of his personal account...for $250.00.  I'm speechless.  I was in tears...I don't know if I can accept this.  When I talked to him he said that I better accept it and if I don't cash the check he'll just keep sending me a new one, or will send me cash via Fed Ex.  He said that the only reason he made his sales goal this year and was successful was because of the help and assistance I provided him.  I tried to tell him that that's what I was hired for, that he doesn't need to give me any extras...but he's not taking no for an answer.  I have a call into my boss...I don't want to get in trouble for accepting his gift...but this extra money would go along ways now that DH isn't working.  He calls it revenue share, since he got paid commission on deals that I worked on.  Would it be wrong to accept this from him? 

Catching Up

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas.  I know we did.  We took Lexi ice skating on the 23rd in the city.  She had a blast...and has been asking to go back since.  She was actually able to skate a few feet all on her own before falling down.  Which is more than I can do!  I was on the ice in my sneakers!  LOL!

Christmas Eve was spent at the in laws as usual and Christmas Day we hosted here.  Santa...aka Daddy...came to visit Lexi and presented her with 2 very special presents.  One was the roller skates she had been asking for since Halloween.  She was so happy to get them she had to try them out right away.  The other very special present was her big girl bed.  Daddy had worked on it for a few weeks getting it painted, roughed up and decorated to look like an old rustic bed.  Her name is painted on the foot board and there is a lasso on it as well.  It's her "Jessie" bed.  She seemed to like it, but when naptime and bedtime came around that day she started out in the bed but ended up in the crib.  Monday she slept in the bed for nap and bedtime...and yesterday, while she was at school, we removed the crib from her room.  She slept in her bed last night with no complaints.  I hope she continues to do well in it.

I started Lupron on the 27th in prep for this cycle.  My parents are lending us the $1100 to cover the Cobra premium for January.  DH went today to take the post office exam...hoping something comes of it.  His old employer is contesting the unemployment and he had his "interview" with the local office yesterday...we should know if he'll get any benefits within a week or so.  The good thing is, if approved it is retroactive back to the 14th of December...so that first check will be nice. 

I'm still afraid of what's going to happen.  I still feel like it's not responsible to try to bring another baby into this world when we don't know how we're going to pay our mortgage...but I know we may never have another chance at this...and I know our financial situation is only temporary.  So I'm going into this cycle with the mentality that if it's meant to be, it will be. 

Whirlwind of emotions

OMG this week has just been a whirlwind.  If you recall, our IVF cycle was cancelled back in November because my TSH levels were crazy high...and I went on Dec 1st for repeat bloodwork.  TSH came back at 2.3, not below the 2 the RE wanted.  HOWEVER, the nurse had told me to get a letter from my Endo stating I was under her care and that she was comfortable with us proceeding and the nurse would see if the RE would sign off on a January cycle. 

I found out on Monday that he DID sign off on it.  So we were a go for an IVF in January...our insurance would lapse on 2/29/12 and we'd be done well before then.  Things were looking up. 

Then, yesterday DH lost his job.  His job that carried the insurance for the IVF.  So on top of the financial strain of losing his income, we were faced with not being able to do the IVF again because the insurance will now lapse at the end of this month. 

Then I think...HELLO!  COBRA!  Yes, the premiums would be astronomical, but it's still less expensive than paying for a cycle out of pocket.  And we'd only need it for January...to cover the ER and ET.  Everything else I can send through our other insurance carrier. 

But then I started thinking last night...maybe this was God's way of telling us we aren't supposed to cycle...I mean, it was cancelled...then he loses his job.  And what responsible people try to bring another child into the world when their own financial future is uncertain?  But then I think that we may not have another chance at this.  Even if he got another job tomorrow...there is no guarantee they will offer IVF coverage.  MY job doesn't.  That's why we took the 2nd policy through his job.  I want to move forward.  I really, really do.  My heart is saying YES YES YES...but the logical part of my mind is saying...THINK THIS THROUGH!

What would you do?

Oh...and my schedule for the IVF is:

Begin Lupron 12/27/11
Last active bcp 12/31/11
Baseline U/S 1/11/12
Start Stims 1/13/12
ER & ET week of 1/23/12

A different place

http://hurtingontheinside.wordpress.com

Email me for password.

I will still be here...just not right now.