Happy Birthday to me

Today I turn 34 years old...not old by any stretch...but as we all know...in the land of IF, I only have one more year before that sticker gets placed on my file that reads "ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE". I was hoping (am hoping) that this baby would complete our family with a few months to spare.

DH and I talked last night about what we will do if this doesn't work out for the best. Obviously, we no longer have any insurance coverage for meds. But we still have coverage for procedures. He offered to sell his Mustang...a "toy" that he bought last year after he sold his motorcycle...to pay for meds. I'm touched that he would be willing to do that...but I don't know if I can do this again. The physical part isn't hard on me. Sure, I was borderline OHSS this cycle...but we had it under control. I felt crappy for a few days, but I wouldn't say it was HARD on me. It's the emotional toll that IVF takes on me that is the hardest. The hoping, the waiting, the possibilities.

I look at Lexi and I'm so very grateful that I have her in my life...and I think, why can't I just be happy with one? I could be. At least I think I could be. But I WANT her to have a sibling. Someone to play with, someone to confide her secrets in. My neighbor has 3 kids, ages 5, 3 and 5 months. The oldest 2 are girls...and when I see them together, I think, that's what I want for my daughter.

Anyway, my thoughts are all over the place. Thank you to whomever submitted me to the LFCA...it's appreciated more than you can ever know.