Update

I went this morning for another ultrasound. A 7.1mm sac was seen with a yolk sac. Yay! My RE stated that we need to see a heartbeat by next Wednesday, when I'll be 7weeks. I'm still in the waiting game. But I hope to see that flicker next Wednesday when I go back. Fingers crossed.

23dp3dt - beta #4 and ultrasound

Blood was drawn again this morning for beta #4. Beta #3 was 377...that was Thursday, so 4 days ago. I was hoping for a number around 1200. Beta #4 came back at 1725!!! That more than doubled!! And my ultrasound this morning showed a 6mm sac that "could be a gestational sac but could be just fluid". See below...



I'm still remaining cautiously optimistic...but I feel slightly better that my betas are higher. I have to go back again on Wednesday for another scan and more bloodwork.

Thank you to everyone for all your comments and messages. They really have meant the world to me while we are in limbo. I really feel like I'm on a rollercoaster...unable to be happy...and unable to grieve...because I don't know which way this is going. Your comments and reassurances lean me towards the happy side...and today's appointment leaned me a little closer.

Love you all!

2ww all over again

I feel like I'm in the 2ww all over again...and I have no clue what the outcome will be. I go back to the doctor tomorrow morning for another ultrasound...and they will also check my hcg levels again. Based on a 377 last Wednesday...I would hope to see my beta somewhere around 1200 or more...since there will be 6 days in between tests. But I guess the ultrasound is going to be the end all be all. I'll be 5w5d tomorrow. If they don't see anything, am I to assume this is a chemical pregnancy? But then why would my levels rise?

I haven't had any spotting...and no real cramping. I say "real" because I have felt twinges on my left side...but nothing that I would say is a cramp. I hate being in limbo. I hate not knowing what's going on inside my body. Am I pregnant or aren't I? The waiting is horrible.

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On another note, we drop Lexi off at my parent's house tonight. Because of the time of my appointment tomorrow, I won't be able to drop her off in the morning. She will be staying until Wednesday when my mom will bring her back. 3 nights without her. I'm so sad.

Happy Birthday to me

Today I turn 34 years old...not old by any stretch...but as we all know...in the land of IF, I only have one more year before that sticker gets placed on my file that reads "ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE". I was hoping (am hoping) that this baby would complete our family with a few months to spare.

DH and I talked last night about what we will do if this doesn't work out for the best. Obviously, we no longer have any insurance coverage for meds. But we still have coverage for procedures. He offered to sell his Mustang...a "toy" that he bought last year after he sold his motorcycle...to pay for meds. I'm touched that he would be willing to do that...but I don't know if I can do this again. The physical part isn't hard on me. Sure, I was borderline OHSS this cycle...but we had it under control. I felt crappy for a few days, but I wouldn't say it was HARD on me. It's the emotional toll that IVF takes on me that is the hardest. The hoping, the waiting, the possibilities.

I look at Lexi and I'm so very grateful that I have her in my life...and I think, why can't I just be happy with one? I could be. At least I think I could be. But I WANT her to have a sibling. Someone to play with, someone to confide her secrets in. My neighbor has 3 kids, ages 5, 3 and 5 months. The oldest 2 are girls...and when I see them together, I think, that's what I want for my daughter.

Anyway, my thoughts are all over the place. Thank you to whomever submitted me to the LFCA...it's appreciated more than you can ever know.

Good news and Bad News

Well, the good news is there is nothing visible in my tubes.

The bad news is there is nothing visible in my uterus either.

My RE still seems hopeful. My lining was nice and thick at 10mm...but there was no visible gestational sac. I'm 5w1d today. She said normally between 5w and 5w5d is when the gestational sac is visible. But the fact that my hcg levels are still low is cause for some concern. Not crazy concern...but some.

We're hoping at this point that since we did transfer 2 back that one started implanting right away, which gave me the positive hpt so early, but didn't make it...and that the other one started implanting late and that's why we can't see a sac yet. She said to remain cautiously optimistic...but that's so hard to do.

I keep thinking that: if only we hadn't said anything to anyone...if only I didn't miss that morning's progesterone suppository...if only I had rested more after transfer...if only I had been more excited about this cycle...if only I hadn't been so consumed with how Lexi would take to being a big sister...that maybe we'd have a different outcome.

I know that's silly. In my head I know that there is nothing I could have done differently. Nothing that I did caused this to happen. But tell that to my heart. It was so hard lying on the table being wanded...the tears just started. My u/s tech, Patty, is so nice. She told me there was no reason for tears yet. That things COULD still work out.

I'm trying to hold out hope that she's right...that when I go back on Monday there will be the start of a sac...but it's not an easy feat. I'm leaving my ticker up for now. If I have to take it down next week, it will be replaced by something to remember this cycle by. I'm still PUPO. I just have to remember that.

18dp3dt - Beta #3

Blood was drawn for beta #3 this morning. 377. It didn't double. They want me to come in tomorrow for an ultrasound to see what's going on. My P4 went down a little, but is still above 20. It was 22.something. I was barely listening after I heard the 377. My heart dropped. I'm so sad...this isn't suppose to happen.

Dear Baby

I know you're barely 3 weeks old at this point in your gestation, but I really hope you decide to stay for the next 36 weeks. You would have a wonderful big sister who would love you like crazy. Your daddy already talks about his hope that you're a boy and all the things he will teach you. And me...well, my heart is already yours little one.

I'm very scared that things aren't going the way they should. I know I shouldn't compare you to my pregnancy with your sister, but it's all I know, and I can't help it.

Please, please, please release a bunch more hcg for my blood test tomorrow. Mommy would LOVE to see a big increase.

Love you already,

Mommy

Beta #2 - 16dp3dt

OK...so now I'm a little nervous. Beta #2 came back at 221. My second beta with Lexi was well over 1000. My current doubling time is 76.88 hours. Lexi's doubling time was 32.46 hours. I know I shouldn't compare, but I can't help it. Is a 76 hour doubling time good?

Confession

So I have a confession to make...and I'm quite embarrassed to admit it. But I have to know if I'm all alone or not. So I tried to POAS again this morning...because ya know it's repeat beta day...and I completely missed the stick. Who misses while POAS? Me, that's who. I honestly didn't even realize I missed until I went to check it after I got ready for work...and there were NO lines. Not one line...NO LINES. BECAUSE I MISSED THE STICK! OMG! I was mortified. The only thing I have to say for myself is that it was 5am and I was half asleep still.
PS...I did manage to pee on the same stick when I got to work (yes I POAS at work) and still got 2 lines.
And a random pic from this weekend's Boo at the Zoo. Lexi and her cousins.

BFP

My nurse just called. My hcg came back at 93.9 and my progesterone was 24.9. My progesterone is higher than it was with Lexi...but my hcg is lower. But they like anything over 50. So most likely if all progresses, there will only be one. I go back on Monday for my repeat beta and then again on Wednesday. Keeping fingers crossed that everything doubles appropriately.

YAY!!!!!!!!

12dp3dt - BETA DAY!

Today is THE day. BETA day! I went this morning to have my blood drawn...and unlike my cycle 2 years ago, I already have my answer in the form of 2 positive HPTs. This beta number will just give me a tiny idea of whether I should be thinking one or two. My hcg at 12dp3dt with Lexi was 137. I'll be comparing when I get my numbers. I'm excited because this will be the "official" word that we are indeed expecting. We will tell our parents and my sister. I purchased a "Big Sister" shirt for Lexi to wear. I'll take her picture in it, and send it to them via email along with some of the pumpkin farm photos and see who realizes first. LOL.

Lexi's 18 month checkup

Lexi had her 18 month checkup today...

Height - 31 1/4 inches
Weight - 21lbs 5.5 ozs
Head - 44.7 cm

She grew about an inch and a half, but only gained a few ounces. The doctor is not concerned about this. He said at this age, they put more energy in getting taller than gaining weight. The good thing was he didn't disagree with my decision to take most dairy out of Lexi's diet. With whole milk, Lexi was constipated, which meant she wouldn't eat or sleep. She wasn't a happy girl. She was on Miralax and an anti reflux med.

Now? She's not on any meds. She poops on her own. She sleeps ALL night...about 11 - 12 hours each night. She EATS! She still has her days that she doesn't eat very much...but then there are days when she packs it away. The other day, she ate a whole P0rtillos hot dog...bun and all in one sitting, plus french fries. Now you might think that's nothing...but for her, that's huge...escpecially since it's only been in the last few weeks that she'll even entertain eating meat.

I'm so happy that I made the decision to put her on Almond Milk. It's really changed her. She's so much happier now...and so are we.

11dp3dt - 1 day till beta

I POAS again this morning with FMU. The line is darker. I'm happy it's darker. I've had some brown discharge yesterday and today. Nothing that freaked me out...but enough that I noticed. It looks like this cycle actually worked...but until I see that hearbeat(s?) I'm staying cautiously optimistic. Beta is tomorrow.

My resolve broke - 3 days til beta

This cycle I don't have the resolve I did last time. I broke down and tested. I'm 9dp3dt. The line is faint, but it's there. Obviously, in person it's so much more clear that in the photos. I know my beta is still 3 days away. With Lexi, on 12dp3dt, my hcg was only 137...so this test is 3 days earlier. I'm cautiously optimistic right now. Do you see the line?

Oh, and if you know me on FB...please don't say anything. We're not telling anyone until we at least see a heartbeat...like we did before.

To test or not to test

I'm waivering. Hubby seems to want me to POAS. He asked this morning if I was going to "cheat" today. I want to know. But I'm nervous. A blood draw is so much more clinical...so much easier to "seperate" from. Not sure what to do...

18 months in pictures

6dp3dt

I know I haven't talked much about this cycle. And to tell the truth, it's because I haven't really thought about it. I hate to say that I've just been going about life as usual...but I have. I haven't been thinking about those 2 perfect embies that were transferred back to me. Well, not much anyway. We were on vacation from work this week...so we've been hanging with Lexi and spending as much time as possible with her, since when we're working our time with her is limited.

So now that I've had a few minutes to actually absorb that we transferred 2 perfect embies last Saturday, I'm kind of in shock. Shock that I even had 2 embies. Then thoughts start running into...what if they both implant and we have twins??!! OMG! I don't know what I think about that. Right now, I'm just going about life as usual. My beta is scheduled for Thursday, October 14th. I'm off work until the 12th...Lexi's 18 month appointment is the 13th...so I'll remain busy until then.

I was slightly tempted this week when we stopped at the store to pick up some tests...but I resolved last time that I wouldn't POAS, and I think I'm going to go with that again. I mean, hey, it worked out pretty well last time didn't it?

4dp3dt

And I haven't really been thinking about whether this worked or not. We're on vacation this week...and we've been doing alot of toddler friendly activities, which has kept my mind off what is or isn't going on inside my uterus. I'm still trying to think positive.

So far this week, we've taken Lexi to the children's museum, pumpkin farm and bounce house. Pics forthcoming.

Happy Anniversary

5 years ago today I married my best friend. I love you more than ever babe!

Coinsidences

Some ironic things from Lexi's cycle and this one:

Both retrievals were done on Wednesdays.
Both transfers were done on Saturdays.
Both retrievals were done by the same doctor, Dr R.
Both transfers were done by the same doctor, Dr S.
Lexi was a "perfect" grade 1, 8 celled embryo
We transferred 2, grade 1, 8 celled embryos

1dp3dt

and I'm exhausted. I haven't moved from the couch with the exception of feeding Lexi and changing her. Luckily, she's very into books lately, so she brings me book after book and we read them together on the couch. Right now, she's sitting in her little recliner with a Curious George book...still in her monkey footie pajamas. Hey, we're on vacation this week.

So this week, here's what we're planning...whether or not we do it is another story:

*Pumpkin farm - hay rides, corn maze, corn pit, and of course picking pumpkins!
*Children's Museum - have been wanting to take her for the longest...she's finally old enough to really enjoy it...plus, we get in free.
*Aquarium - again, been dying to take her. And again, we get in free
*Zoo - they haven't started their Boo at the Zoo just yet...but we still might go. We're members, so again, it's free

Notice a trend there? We're trying to spend as little money as we can while still enjoying ourselves.

Transfer

Just got back from transfer...I'm PUPO...we transferred 2 grade one 8 celled embryos. I'm speechless. Both embies made it to transfer...and both were "perfect".

I can't believe it.

So far, so good

I just got a call from the nurse. Both embryos made it through the night and are where they should be. I couldn't hold the tears back. I'm so happy, but apprehensive as well. Happy that my embies survived the night...but still nervous...they have one more night they have to get through. Transfer is scheduled for 8:30am tomorrow.

Please continue to pray and think positive thoughts for me!