Tuesday, April 7, 2009

29 days and counting

If someone had told me last year that on this day I'd be 29 days away from my due date, I would have punched them...then cried. When our first cycle failed in May of 2007 it took be the better part of a year to recover emotionally. I was a mess. I felt like a failure...as a wife to my husband, as a woman. And it wasn't easy for me to pull myself out of that...especially given that I was surrounded by babies and/or pregnant women. Don't get me wrong...we didn't just sit on our asses and do nothing. DH was seeing a male infertility specialist and we'd talked to some other RE's...but it wasn't until last summer that I found myself in a place where I could go through another IVF cycle. July 31st was my last period. I started stims a few days later. ER was on August 13th. I was excited that they retrieved the same amount of mature eggs as my first cycle. Even more excited that we had 4 fertilize. Then heartbroken when we learned on transfer day that 3 of our embryos had arrested and we only had one remaining. DH was skeptical on transferring just that one...but I couldn't fathom having gone through almost a full cycle without at least trying. So we did. And on August 28th, I received the call that I will forever remember. It was the news I had been waiting almost 5 years to hear. We were pregnant.

And now here I am, a mere 29 days from my due date. Feeling Baby Girl squirm around and stretch. And I'm an emotional wreck again. I am nervous. I am excited. I am scared. I am giddy. I am overwhelmed. I am in awe. The thought that in 29 days or less, I will be responsible for a life, that will be completely dependent on me, is crazy. Will I know what to do? Will I be a good mom? How will I cope with very little sleep? What if she's a "colicky" baby? I know I don't need the answers to these questions...that things will come to me. Of all the emotions running through me right now, the one that is at the forefront is the love I have for this baby. It trumps every other thought and emotion I have. Alexis will always know how much she is wanted and loved.


Mel said...

Speaking from the other side, you just figure it out. Honest, you do. And there is nothing that can prepare you for it. ;)
I know you'll do great.

Jen said...

It's crazy, isnt it??? As hard as it is, it's the best thing in the world. I hope you have an easy delivery and a wonderful happy "integration" of the little one into your home. I'm sure you'll be a great mom!!


Jen said...

Aw, that's so sweet.

KimboSue said...

You will be a great mom!

P.S. I have a so, so similar draft written up for today as well!

Lut C. said...

Popping in from the crème de la crème list.

This post rings so true, my experience was quite similar.
After a disastrous first IVF we went on to success with number 2, though it seemed a long shot.