What's next?

I have no clue.  We knew this was going to be our last insurance covered cycle.  We knew that.  But the possiblity that we wouldn't have ANY embryos to transfer never entered my mind.  Sure, we've had crappy fertilization in the past...but I never thought I'd be faced with another cycle with no embryos (our very 1st cycle back in 2007 resulted in the same). 

So now I'm faced with feeling like I'm not ready to give up...with the very real notion that I may have to.   The RE seems to think the problem lies with DH's sperm.  They ICSI'd the 10 mature eggs that they got.  My eggs seemed to be "up to par"...but still, the same result.  Dr C mentioned donor sperm and IUI.  He thinks it could work for us...since, again, he thinks the problem is DH's swimmers.  But DH isn't 100% open to that idea.  And I'm not there yet either. 

How do you tell one child that they aren't biologically their father's when the other is?  How does that affect the child?  How would that affect Lexi?  Would it?  Would DH later disown that child in the event our marriage ended?  Could he legally?  Those are the questions swimming in my head. 

The wound is so raw right now...

Meds

So as a result of this cycle being a bust I have meds available.  I'd like to recoop some of my money, but not looking to turn a profit.  Let me know if anyone is interested in the below:

900iu Follistim cartridge
300iu Follistim cartridge
4 boxes of Endometrin
2 boxes of Vivelle patches

I also have countless needles and syringes. 

Heartbroken

My clinic just called.  Of my 13 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature for ICSI...but none fertilized.  We have zero embryos.  None.  Zilch.  Zero. 

I'm heartbroken right now.  We have no more insurance coverage.  We can't afford another cycle.  We're done.  This was my worst nightmare.  Literally, I was up last night worrying about how things were going.  I guess my subconcious knew.

I have no idea how to deal with this right now. 

ER

13 eggs retrieved.  Not bad...but F.U.C.K!  That is the least amount of eggs I've gotten in 4 cycles.  I know I'm older and all...but was really hoping for more.  Fert report tomorrow.

Trigger

I triggered last night at 9:30.  I've never used Ovidrel before...so it was strange to me to inject a trigger sub-q instead of IM.  But I guess it was a good thing though...for we decided to head to our poker league and I had to trigger in the middle of the tournament.  Sub-q's go much faster than an IM. 

One thing to note...this cycle...OMG are my nips SORE.  My Tshirt rubbing against them feels like sandpaper. 

Monitoring Appt #5

Thank the Lord...I'm triggering tonight.  At my appointment this morning the U/S tech thought I might go another day.  My largest follie from yesterday vanished so she thought they'd stim me another day...BUT when I called the Lab Line just now...I'm triggering tonight at 9:30pm!!

Right - 19.5, 18, 16, 16, 13, 11
Left - 17, 17, 16.5, 16, 16, 15.5, 13.5, 13.5, 12.5, 10

Though she was having a hard time with my right side.  Seems my uterus shifted and was making it hard to see.  So I may have one or two more in there.

Lining is 10.1mm
E2 is 3024

My E2 level scares me still.  I know anything over 2500 runs the risk of OHSS...but at least it's not as high as the 4200 it was last time. 

ER will be Thursday, January 26th at 9:30 am. 

If you remember, can you say a little prayer for us on Thursday?  They would be much appreciated.

Monitoring Appt #4

Today is day 11 on stims.  The longest I've gone is 12 days.  The end is near...I hope.

Right - 21, 18, 17, 14.5, 12.5, 11, 11
Left - 17, 15.5, 15.5, 15, 14, 12, 11.5, 11.5, 10.5

E2 is 2435
Lining 10mm

I only have 2 days worth of Menopur left.  One for tonight and one for tomorrow.  I hope that's enough.

Monitoring Appt #3

So I don't have much in the way of numbers today.  Only that my E2 was 1971.  Because it is the weekend, the doctor actually calls you and he doesn't relay the follie size.  I'm to go back tomorrow (another 90 mile drive!!) for another scan.  Today I've been on stims 10 days.

Monitoring Appt #2

Nothing interesting...just for my own records...

Right ovary - 15, 13, 12, 10.5...and more smaller ones
Left ovary - 15, 12, 12, 11, 10.5, 10...and more smaller ones

Lining - 9.5
E2 - 931

Back on Sunday for another wanding and bloodwork

I'm starting to feel a tad bit uncomfortable.  Leftie sits right under my uterus...so I feel the "expansion" as follies grow.  It also makes the wanding a wee bit painful as well.  The lengths we go...

Monitoring Update

For my records...

monitoring yesterday...

largest follie 12mm.  all on left side are less than 10mm.  This is after 5 full days on stims.
Lining 7.5
E2 - 340

To freeze or not to freeze

My clinic just called to talk to me about possibly freezing any remaining embryos we might have after ET.  I had to laugh.  We've done 3 IVF cycles...and have had 3 viable embryos make it to transfer.  We've never had anything to freeze. 

But the thought is there.  What happens if, with this new clinic, we miraculously end up with 6 or 7 embryos?  Obviously, the RE isn't going to transfer all of them back to me.  I brought it up with DH...he's not for freezing any.  He said we can't afford 3 or 4 kids, that I'm already 35 (too old) and that we can't afford the cost to freeze them ($1200, which I agree, we can't)...I told him that I can't wrap my mind around "throwing away" 3 babies.  Because in my head, that's what we'd be doing.  He told me that I was being unreasonable and overly emotional about the decision. 

How can I NOT be emotional about it?  We're talking potential babies here...not just eggs or sperm...but actual embryos. 

I don't know why I even bothered bringing it up to him.  It's not like we ever get "extras" anyway. 

But, I want to know...has anyone ever made the decision to NOT freeze extra embryos?  What were your reasons?  How did you feel about the decision?  Any regrets?

Day 5

Today is day 5 of stims.  I'm slowly starting to feel the bloating in my ovaries.  I have my first monitoring appointment tomorrow morning.  I'm also going to be transporting DH's frozen sperm from our old clinic to the new one in prep for our ER next week. 

NEXT WEEK!!!???

Holy shit...I'm so not mentally prepared for this cycle.  I've been so busy with other things that I haven't really been thinking about this cycle. 

Clear

I'm clear to start stims on Friday.

225u of Follistim in the mornings
75u of Menopur in the evenings
reduce Lupron to 5u

My lining was 2.4 and my E2 less than 15. 

Here we go.

Baseline

I had my baseline b/w & US this morning.  I'll find out after 2:30 if I'm clear to start stims on Friday!!

It was interesting sitting in the waiting room and seeing all the women come in.  At my old, much larger, clinic...we weren't on any "schedule" per se.  Meaning the ER's and ET's were not scheduled for a particular week during the month, and monitoring was able to be done at the satellite offices, so there weren't many people in the waiting room.  This clinic is much smaller, operates on a "schedule", and only does monitoring at one location.  So there were about 10 women in the waiting room with me. 

I was surprised at how easily I was able to guess which ones appeared to be "first timers" and which ones were "vets".  The first timers sat in the waiting room, either giddy with excitement or sick with nervousness.  They couldn't focus enough to read a book or magazine.  Their partners were by their sides, equally giddy or nervous.  There were about 4 of those women in the waiting room this morning. 

The vets on the other hand, were there alone...seemingly aloof...oblivious to anything going on around them...consumed by their book/ipod/magazine.  But you could see it in their faces.  The worry.  The apprehension.  Their wish to be the giddy, nervous one.  The first timer.  I sat included.  Wishing I didn't know that out of the 10 of us...maybe 5 would get a BFP...and of those 5...maybe 3 would get take home babies.  I wish I didn't know all the things that DO go wrong. 

I'm more nervous for this cycle that I was a week ago.  Some of that has to do with things that have been going on here at home...but most of it is because I'm afraid of a BFN.  But yet, I'm afraid of a BFP too.  Because a BFP doesn't mean a take home baby.  And I'm not sure my heart can take much more.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone!  2012...man...where has the time gone. 

Last Friday we received awesome news in the mail...DH was approved for his unemployment benefits!  We're so happy that we will have some additional income coming in other than mine.  We were really stressing out on how we were going to pay all the bills in January.  Now, we should be able to. 

NYE was spent with my best friend and her husband at our house.  We celebrated with Lexi around 9pm and she got to pop some of those popper things that have the streamers in them.  She was asleep by 9:30.  It was low key and just what I liked.

Saturday was also my last bcp.  So I'm expecting AF to come any day.  The Lupron isn't so bad.  I haven't had any headaches or hot flashes yet.  But I'm only a week in so it can still come.  My baseline is the 11th.

Now onto another dilemma.   There is one salesperson that I support that all through the year he'd joke whenever I got him out of a jam that he'd make sure I was taken care of at Christmas.  Today, I received a check in the mail...drawn of his personal account...for $250.00.  I'm speechless.  I was in tears...I don't know if I can accept this.  When I talked to him he said that I better accept it and if I don't cash the check he'll just keep sending me a new one, or will send me cash via Fed Ex.  He said that the only reason he made his sales goal this year and was successful was because of the help and assistance I provided him.  I tried to tell him that that's what I was hired for, that he doesn't need to give me any extras...but he's not taking no for an answer.  I have a call into my boss...I don't want to get in trouble for accepting his gift...but this extra money would go along ways now that DH isn't working.  He calls it revenue share, since he got paid commission on deals that I worked on.  Would it be wrong to accept this from him?