My response...

to my cousin's little pg announcement email was simply to tell her Congratulations and I hope she understands how hard it is for me to hear, but that I am happy for her and her DH. That's about all I could muster. Then she comes back and says that her EDD is August 4, 2008. So I go online to a pg calaculator and find that she would have had a conception date of November 12th! Someone explain to me, how she could know already? I don't get it. I seriously think she's lying about the EDD. Why I don't know. But the best part is, I don't even know why I give a damn! Why do I care? It's not like it has any bearing on my daily life...but that's not true. It does. She lives 5 doors down...I see her quite often.

This sucks!

Oh, and my DH wants me to go "talk" to someone...considering how hard I've taken "this news". Whatever...who knows, it may do me some good.

Confirmed...

**Warning - pg mentioned**

I received confirmation today that my cousin is pg with #2...she sent me an email telling me all about her Thanksgiving and Black Friday experience...the very last line reads "More news to share. I'm pregnant..." I don't know how I'm supposed to respond...Congrats? Glad one of us is part of the fertile world? Part of me is pissed that she didn't have the nerve to tell me over the phone or in person, but the other part of me is happy that I didn't have to look at her or respond right away. The email gives me a chance to get my first reaction of crying my eyes out, out of my system. It's so hard to know that she's going to have 2 before I have one...and we've been trying longer!

I feel like I'm such a failure. I keep thinking "Why me?" What did I do wrong to deserve this hell? The most basic function of being a woman, the ability to conceive, is one that I don't have. I feel like less of a woman...I can't really describe it any other way. It's getting harder and harder to maintain a smile on the outside while I'm falling apart on the inside. This blog is my only lifeline...the only outlet I have. My DH doesn't even know it exists. I hate what my life has become since this IF hell took over.

My heart is crushed

**Warning - pg mentioned (not mine)**

My heart is crushed...I just found out that my cousin is pg with #2. Her DH let it slip to my future BIL...my mom just called me to tell me. My cousin and I are 3 months apart in age...DH and I have been TTC #1 for at least a year before she tried. I was very supportive of her for the whole 3 months she tried to get pg right after going off the pill. They announced pg #1 one day before we left for Hawaii for my wedding. Took all the wind out of my sails then. Stole my thunder I guess you could say. I was very happy for her...even planned her baby shower...her DS is my godson and I love him dearly. But I'm so heartbroken right now that she's pg with #2 and I'm still trying for #1. It hurts so bad. My mom thinks they're going to announce it at Christmas...if they do I'll break out in tears right then and there. It's not fair. My heart is aching.

Pet Peeves

I'm feeling annoyed today...so I thought I'd share some of my pet peeves...

• If you just saw me hit the elevator call button, why must you press it again?
• If you just saw me hit the floor you want, why must you press it again?
• Please people, let me OFF the elevator BEFORE you try to push your way on!
• Please don't clip your nails on the train
• or for that matter...don't paint your nails, pick your nose or get annoyed with me because the train lurched me into you while you were applying your lipstick (I did chuckle at this one)
• If you see that I just loaded the dishwasher, don't put your glass in the sink! Put it in the dishwasher!
• I'm no one's maid, pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper
• If aforementioned clothes are not in the hamper, they don't get washed on laundry day.

Unoriginal post title...

I can't think of anything original for the title of this post just yet...maybe I'll change it later, or not.

First order of business...FamilyofTwo posted about remembering our veterans this holiday season. I want to second this notion. Even if you don't agree with the war, please take a few extra minutes to send an additional holiday card to a wounded soldier at:

A Recovering American Airman, Soldier, Sailor or Marine

c/o Walter Reed Medical Center

6900 Georgia Avenue, NW

Washington, DC 20307-5001

Some may not get to spend the holidays with their loved ones and a small gesture from you will mean the world to them.

Second order of business...thank you to Jenna for the honor of the Flame of Fortitude...

While I'm happy to have the honor of your readership, I'm sorry that we all have these blogs to begin with. I started mine as a way to vent and put my feelings down, and also as a "memento", if you can call it that, of what DH and I are going through. I'd hoped to show it to my child some day. I've learned though, that the kinship I feel with those bloggers that comment here and those bloggers whose stories I follow, is more than a virtual feeling. I've come to hope with these people, to cry with them, get angry with them, feel happy with them and for them. They are more than just anonymous posters in the infinite blogosphere...from them I gain knowledge and confidence, learn to laugh again and know that it's ok to cry. So I nominate all of you for a Flame of Fortitude award. For without your willingness to share, many would be lost in the sea of infertility.

Yet another doc tells me I'm "damaged"

I went to see a chiropractor last night, for reasons that I stated in my previous post. I've never been to a chiro and didn't know what to expect, but I can tell you I didn't expect to be told that I'm damaged! I spent an hour with Dr C, a little woman about 5'2", maybe 100lbs soaking wet. She had me lay on the table and she examined my spine, pointing out that the place I was the most damaged, in my middle back, has nerves that connect to my uterus and ovaries and did I have painful periods or any reproductive issues? Um yes. So now I'm infertile because my back is jacked up? Come on, I may be naive, but I'm not sure I believe that one...but who knows. She also did a thermal scan and took x-rays. She told me my head tilts to the right and is slightly turned to the right, my right shoulder is higher than my left, one of my hips (can't remember which one) is higher than the other, and I don't carry my weight evenly on both feet...my left side carries 5lbs more than my right. Basically, my spine is all out of whack...so I go back tonight to discuss treatment options (how often etc). I never realized that the pain I had in my back could be anything except stress and tension...after last night I've changed my mind.

Ramblings...animal death mentioned

So nothing new on the IF front...DH is still taking his Clomid like a good man...his follow up appt is the 14th...so we'll see where his testosterone levels are at that point. I will most likely be making an appt to go back to the new RE...have to find out if there are any additional tests she wants to run that my other RE didn't.

I've also come to the conclusion that I need to see a chiropractor. I have back pain...all the time. If you poke my lower back, around the tail bone, I'll jump sky high...it's very sensitive. But lately, what's been bothering me the most is what I think is tension pain in my shoulder blades, and it radiates down my right arm...not fun. So I called 2 places and one never answered the phone, and the other is only open until 6:30! I don't get home until 6:15, but luckily the DR there is willing to stay late for a consult with me, then we'll work out something.

What else? HHmmm...oh yea...my birdie died <8'(. I had 2 cockatiels, both since birth. One, Lester, was hand fed and raised by me. The other, Junior, was raised by the parent birds. Well, Junior was at the bottom of his cage last night, on his back. I was not particularly attached to Junior, but it still made me cry to think this poor little birdie didn't live as long as he should have. Cockatiels have a life expectancy of about 10 -15 years. He was 4. I'm not sure what happened...he had food and water, no draft in the room...just died. Now, I am attached to Lester, whom I raised and fed myself from the time he was 7 days old. He's 7. And I would be absolutely heart broken if anything happened to him...big difference huh? I guess that's what happens when you raise them from infancy (wow! isn't that ironic!...Lester could very well be the only one I raise from infancy!) So anyway, DH will bury Junior in our garden today. RIP Junior.