Christmas was good. We did the usual Christmas at the in-laws on Christmas Eve, then our little family of 3 opened presents Christmas morning...though I should say, Lexi opened presents on Christmas morning. DH and I didn't exchange...though I bought him something "from Lexi"...he didn't do the same. Later, my parents came by and his parents (again) and Lexi opened more gifts (from my parents) and they all opened gifts "from Lexi" (shutterfly mugs). My sister came in from Virginia on Friday night, so we had another Christmas on Saturday...this is when we exchanged our secret Santa presents. So I finally got something to open!
I know Christmas isn't about presents. It's about family. And being together. But I couldn't help be transported back to the Christmas my sister got a laptop and I got pajamas. Eh...it is what it is.
So onto my title...New Beginnings. And I apologize up front...this will be all over the place.
I've come to realize that I've become quite isolated. The friends I once held dear, are now only memories. And I've also realized why...it's because of DH. He doesn't like me going out. So anytime a friend called to hang out, I'd always decline...and eventually the phone stopped ringing. WHY doesn't he like me going out you might ask? Well, I can only speculate...because if you ask him, I can go...but then I get the guilt trip when I get back about how long I was gone and how much money I may or may not have spent. I think it's because he thinks I'll cheat on him. Since he's done it to me twice in 2 years. Payback kinda thing. Not that I would.
The last time I went out with a friend is when I found out DH was spending his lunch breaks at another woman's house back in May. But that's because I up and walked out on him. And the whole time I was gone he was texting me to come home. Before that was a dinner with a very pregnant friend back in November 2012. Don't get me wrong...we go out with friends...but it's always both of us and Lexi. I don't have any ME time. My ME time is spent at the grocery store, with Lexi.
I joke with my mom that I'm a married single parent. From the time Lexi gets up to when she goes to bed, I'm her primary caregiver. I help her dress, make her breakfast, make sure she brushes her teeth...all before DH leaves for work. What's he doing? Watching TV. I get Lexi off to school...pick her up...take her to daycare on the days she attends (my mom picks her up Wed - Fri since she's here). I make sure she has extracurriculars like her gymnastics. I make sure she does her homework, takes a bath, gets dinner, goes to bed on time. EVERYDAY. Yes, I know I'm her mom...and that's my job. One I do willingly. But she has a FATHER that lives here. He works 9-5 so it's not like he's gone during these busy times of day. It would be nice if he would contribute to her daily routine. The last time he gave her a bath...she was an infant. And at this point...there isn't much to it. Fill tub, wash hair, let her play. She will wash the rest of herself. When she's done...well, long curly hair requires combing and either braids or blow dry.
My therapist had told me last year...that there is nothing wrong with going out with a friend and I should not allow him to make me feel guilty for doing it. I think I'm finally at the point where I believe that. So I'm going to a friend's house on Sunday. This is someone I've known since kindergarten but haven't "hung out" with in years. I'm hoping it's a stepping stone to starting anew with my friends.
The other New Beginning is for Lexi.
I've pretty well documented that she has not been a good sleeper. It started in August 2012...when she would NOT sleep in her room. Eventually, her toddler bed was brought into our room and we all enjoyed full night's sleep. Well, DH didn't want her in there anymore...so she was moved again in roughly September, back to her room...in the toddler bed. Since then, we've had to sit with her until she falls asleep...and she doesn't sleep all night. Waking and calling out for me almost every night. We tried to ignore her...she just gets worked up that no one is responding to her. So one of us usually ends up sitting in there with her in the middle of the night until she's back asleep...no fun.
Well, this past weekend, we decided to look at new beds for Lexi. She sleeps in her toddler bed, but also has a twin size "hand me down" bed. It's not very pretty or sturdy...so we thought a new bed was in order. Well, Lexi fell in love with the idea of a loft bed. We decided to tell her that if she can sleep all night, without calling for us, for a whole month (DH said 5 nights in a row thinking she couldn't do it) she could pick a new bed. We made her a calendar and taped it to her door. We said that she'd get a sticker each morning she woke up and hadn't called for us the night before. This way, she could track it herself. That was Monday. She now has 4 stickers on her calendar. Yep, all 4 nights she's slept. And she's SO proud of herself and SO excited about this new bed.
In hindsight, I think we moved her to a big bed too soon. She wasn't even two when we switched. DH really wanted to get the crib out of her room...and we thought we might be needing it for another...so I went along with it. It is what it is.