I don't know why I was obsessing. I know better. If DH and I couldn't get pg by ourselves for almost 5 years...what made me think that maybe, just maybe...uuggghhh. I know better!
She showed up late on Saturday...and as I was sitting there at the pink tp...I couldn't help but be swept with an enormous sense of grief...followed by relief. I think it finally hit me...I'm not normal. DH and I aren't ever going to have a baby the "normal" way. Sounds silly coming from someone who already has 2 IVF cycles under her belt doesn't it. Shouldn't I have known that a few years ago? I think that I knew it in my head...but I never really, 100%, let my heart believe it...until Saturday. But like I said, the grief was followed by relief. I was happy that I wasn't pregnant right now. Please don't take that the wrong way. If I was, I'd be THRILLED...it's just that DH and I kinda talked about when we wanted to start cycling again, so I've had this timeline in my head...and this didn't fit it.
We said we'd go back to the RE in July or August to start cycling. IF the first cycle worked...that would mean another late April / early May baby. Lexi would have just turned 2. She would be more independent...more able to communicate her needs beyond whining and crying...she would be "mommy's little helper". It may seem trite...but I really think 4 or 5 months makes a big difference in a toddler's development. At 20 months old, would she be able to do the same things as she would at 25 months old? Who knows. Maybe I'm just trying to make excuses for why a Christmas baby wasn't a good idea for us to cover up the hole that infertility has made in my heart.
We went to the zoo yesterday...but that will come in another post with pictures later...and I have another poop watch update.