History...

So the purpose of this blog is to vent, whine, cry and swear at the world of infertility...but it occurred to me that no one would know why I am such a bitter bitch when it comes to IF unless I explain (not that I give a rat's ass what people think). So DH and I have known each other since we were 15...at 27 (in 2003) he finally decided that he wanted to settle down...low and behold he chose me. In January of 2004, I stopped bcp...I was 27 years old...had no reason to believe we would have problems conceiving. Had I known then what I know now, I would have saved all the money I spent on bcp!

I digress, we proceeded to try to have a baby the natural way...with no success. In 2005 I began to chart my temps and check my mucus every month...when that didn't work, we made an appointment to see urologist for DH to get a sperm analysis done. We had no reason to think that the problem would be with me...I'd had what I considered regular periods since I was 13...every 28 - 32 days...with an occasional longer cycle that I attributed to stress or some other live event going on at that point. The results of the SA were not good...but they weren't horrible. DH had low sperm counts, but the urologist stated that there was no reason that we couldn't concieve...it just might take longer than normal.

When we weren't pregnant by 2006, we decided that we should seek additional medical help. Now this is where I start to regret my choices. We weren't the most knowledgeable on RE's...had no idea how to find one. I asked my general practitioner, who was also my gyne, and he really didn't know...I called around to some obs and none could recommend anyone for us to go see. We ended up searching on our insurance website for RE's and picked one that "sounded good". She had studied at Harvard and had high reviews by other insurance holders who chose her.

My first appointment I was alone...DH couldn't get off work...and so nervous. That was in May 2006. I remember her saying that "we will get you pregnant"...OMG was I naive to believe and fall for that hook, line and sinker. I quickly made an appointment to have the recommended tests run...my HCG, endometrial biopsy, and glucose tolerance test were all scheduled before the end of May...before DH even had a chance to meet her.

My HCG revealed slight blockages in both my tubes that were "blown out" during the most hideously painful 10 minutes of my life. My biopsy was good, and my glucose test showed slight insulin resistance. She diagnosed me as PCOS...Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I was put on Metformin and fish oils and told to keep trying naturally. In September 2006, I had ovarian drilling surgery, which I now believe was a complete waste of money and time. I noticed nothing different after the surgery than before...except that I was very weepy for about a week...but that could have been due to the fact that I felt like I'd been socked in the gut.

My RE suggested IVF...we told her we weren't ready to take that step yet and we would wait a few months for me to heal properly...we also had just sold our townhouse and were living with the in-laws at the time...we wanted to wait until we had our house...we really thought IVF would work the first time. Ha!

I called my RE's office in February of 2007...

"We're ready to start IVF with Dr so and so" I said

"Oh, Dr so and so left the practice in October" said the know it all receptionist

What the fuck!!

"Didn't you receive the letter we sent to all her patients" she continued

"Um, no, I didn't" (obviously) I said

"Well she did...you can see Dr pain in the ass though"

"Um, ok?"

I should have known from that conversation that things would not go well. Don't get me wrong, I didn't almost die or anything, but things just didn't go how I thought they would. I was put back on bcp when I started my period at the end of February...and started stims in April. During all my monitoring appts I was never told how many follies I had, never told how large they were...didn't know that I was supposed to be told those things until I joined an IVF board and all the other women were talking about follie size. On April 26th, Dr pain in the ass retrieved 23 eggs from me...16 of which were mature. None fertilized initally. We were devasted...we told the embyrologist that if there were no good signs we weren't going to transfer. On April 30th, the office called me and patched in Dr Egg (the embryologist)...3 eggs had fertilized...very slowly. There were currently 2 4 cell embies and 1 3 cell embie. They were slow growing, but other than that, looked good. He recommended we transfer.

I rushed from work to the office after consulting with DH. I was never given photos of my embies...and was so hopped up on adrenaline, I didn't even think to ask for them. During my 2ww, I knew...I knew that it would be negative. I knew it like I knew my name...it was just there. Sure enough, on May 15th, we went for the beta...absolutely no HCG in my system. Even though I knew...it was still a huge blow.

Now my bitterness comes into play at the way Dr pain in the ass treated the whole after consult...we waited for an hour before he saw us, told us "Oh well, it's all in the numbers, you can't expect a positive every time...when would you like to cycle again". What???? No, I'm sorry for your pain. No, I know it's hard. Just when would you like to pay me again????? He proceeded to shove us into a nurse's office so she could answer any questions we had about our failed cycle. I knew at that moment that I would never step foot in his office ever again. On the way out, I requested copies of my records be sent to me....I made appointments with 2 other RE's for consults...I did whatever I could to move forward and not be bitter at this man...but the reality is, I am bitter at him. That was my first experience with ART...I was nervous and scared and hopeful and he took advantage of that. He drives around town in his Maserati thinking he's God's gift to ART...but he's a pig...plain and simple.