1st Christmas

Merry Christmas

Santa came to see Lexi on her first Christmas. She was happy to get toys and sad to get clothes. Pictures will be forthcoming.

May you have a blessed day with your loved ones!

36weeks 3 days

Dearest Lexi,

Mommy missed your 8 month post on the 10th...we've been so busy gearing up for the holidays...so I thought I'd post today, which is also a special day. No, it's not Friday, so it's not a weekly "birthday"...and it's not the 10th, so it's not a monthly "birthday". No. Today you are 36 weeks and 3 days old, why is that special you ask? Because today, sweet girl, you are officially "out" longer than you were "in". Makes mommy a little sad to know that you're growing up so fast. But I love to marvel at all the things you can do.

You're starting to wave bye bye...though it looks more like you're waving to yourself, but you try. You also shake your head "no"...and I truly believe you're saying no since you only do it when I'm trying to get you to do something. You're starting to pull up on us. You'll grab at our shirts and try to pull yourself into a standing position. Makes for a precarious situation when we're out in public if mommy's not wearing the "right" shirt. But it's still fun to see you doing these things. You've tried dry toast, which you're not too fond of, but you LOVE your egg yolks from the hard boiled eggs we make. You haven't mastered the sippy cup yet, or like holding your own bottle, but that's ok...you're getting there. You also have cut your top left tooth. And the top right isn't far behind.

Oh peanut, I love you more than I can ever describe. You are my everything. You make me smile even when I'm feeling down. These past 36 weeks have flown by in a flash, but I treasure every moment in a special part of my heart that's reserved just for you.

Love always,

Mommy

To commenter Jill in my area...please email me, your blog is private and you don't have an email address on your profile. Thanks!

First Snow of the Season

We were "blessed" with the first snow of the season here in Chicagoland. We only received about an inch, but it was SO pretty. Lexi was too tired this morning on our way to gramma's that she didn't even notice the white stuff falling from the sky. Though having her sure makes me a more cautious driver. I was never a speed demon to begin with, but with slick roads and precious cargo strapped into her "big girl" seat...the anxiety level I felt during this morning's drive was higher than I've felt in a long time. Normally, its 45 - 55 minutes to grammy's (my mom's)...today it took a good 90 minutes. And I'm not complaining about the extra time, but MAN...I was petrified. I kept driving past cars that had skidded off the road and thinking, please, please, please let me stay on the road. If it were just me in the car...no big thing, but now that I have Lexi with me, I'm a different kind of driver. Anyone else change the way they drive in inclement weather when the babes are in tow?

On another note. DH and I had a date on Friday night, sans baby. My mom stayed an extra night so we could go to dinner and a movie. I hadn't been to a movie in at least a year. It was actually quite nice. We ate at 0live Garden and enjoyed some Lambrusc0 and calamari with dinner. We went to see Everyb0dy's Fine...with R0bert DeNir0. Great flick...kinda sad, but well worth seeing IMO.

Yesterday we decorated the tree. We had the Christmas music playing and I couldn't help but well up with tears this year, compared to years past. I have what I've always wanted. If I get nothing else ever again, I'll be content because I have her. And she may not know what all the fuss is about this year, but seeing the wonder in her eyes while she looks up at the massive tree, sparkling with lights, my heart overflows.

Giving up or giving in?

I apologize in advance for this post...it's all over the place, but that's how I'm feeling...like I'm leaving parts of myself all over the place and there aren't many pieces left.

It's been 2 weeks since my last entry...I haven't felt much like blogging. I haven't felt like doing much at all. I normally get "blue" during this time of year, but with everything else that's been going on, I've been feeling especially down. The one thing that can always bring a smile to my face? Lexi. Even if she's screaming at the top of her lungs at 2am.

I've lost my ability to work from home. My manager sites that it was an "accommodation for me due to my personal circumstances" but that it can no longer be extended. My "circumstances" haven't changed. I still live 2 hours away. I still am trying to seek therapy. I still have a baby at home that I want to be with. But it doesn't seem to matter. Nothing seems to matter.

Hubby went to 2 therapy sessions with me. He doesn't see the point of "couples therapy" since I'm the one who is "broken". His words to our therapist...she needs to fix herself before anything can be fixed between us. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that MY life was completely SEPARATE from yours. I didn't know that OUR life together had no impact on ME. Can't you understand that part of the reason I'm depressed is BECAUSE of you? Because of the rockiness of our relationship. Can't you see that I'm drowning here? That by asking you to come to therapy that I'm reaching out for HELP?

I put on a smile for those around me...my co-workers, my parents, my friends....when inside I'm crying...thinking why can't they see through the facade? Am I THAT good of an actress that no one can see the hurt in my eyes? No one can see that my smile doesn't reach my eyes? Or am I just telling myself that it doesn't? I don't know anymore.

I love my daughter. She is what keeps me from going completely insane. At 8 months old...that's a mighty weight for her to carry. She shouldn't have to.