Thoughts

21 days late.  No signs of AF...and definitely NOT pregnant.  I sit here and contemplate what that means for my reproductive health.  I know this could be a fluke annovulatory cycle...but I've ALWAYS been within 4 days of average.  So it has me thinking...would I be ok with the knowledge that my reproductive years could be finished?

The answer is no. 

In August 2012, 8 months after our 4th and last failed IVF, I went through all the baby stuff I had and sold/donated 90% of it.  I have no baby clothes, save the ones for Lexi's quilt, in my house.  No bottles or diapers.  No paci's or baby toys.  No changing pad, bouncer seat, bumbo or crib.  I did save my car seat/stroller combo, high chair, swing, and exersaucer...though the exersaucer and high chair are currently on loan to a friend.  I also saved one pack n play.  I saved these things, not because I thought I'd have another baby some day...after all, the goal of my purge was to "accept" not having another baby...but because I had 2 good friends who were pregnant at the time and I figured they could use it when/if they came to my house.  And it was used in that purpose.

But these last 21 days, I've come to realize that, while I thought I had accepted not ever being pregnant again, I really haven't.  The ache is there.  The longing to hold a sweet bundle of newborn goodness...and inhale that scent only a newborn has.  That longing takes nothing away from how I feel about Lexi.  She is and always will be the light of my life.  But I don't feel like we're complete.  It's hard to put into words...but it's just a feeling. 

I'm 37 years old.  I'm not sure my heart is ready to jump back onto the TTC wagon...

Negative

I'm not pregnant.  While this should not come as a shock to me, it still stings a wee bit.  Hope is a tricky thing!

So now the question remains...why has AF still not arrived?  I have an appointment on the 12th to figure that out.

Results?

So I called my doctor this morning...I couldn't wait any longer.  I was a pile of nerves while on hold...only to be told they don't have the results back from the lab yet!!

WTF!

So I'm still waiting....

Still waiting...

I'm still waiting to hear from my OBGYN...I'm thinking at this point it may be tomorrow before I hear...though they are open for another 2 hours...

Nervous

I'm so nervous today.  I've tried to prepare myself for the worst.  But I couldn't help but let my mind wander to things like baby names, and how we could potentially tell people.  Shame on me.  I know better.  But my heart can't help but swell with the possibility.  Now, I wait...

Drawn

Labs are drawn...but unlike the RE's office where you get same day results...I am at the mercy of the lab my GYN sends their samples too.  Which means, best case scenario, I hear tomorrow morning.  Or worst case scenario, I wait until Wednesday.  Either way, I know I'd put off this test long enough. 

I'll admit it...I slightly enjoy living in the fantasy that, as long as AF stays away, I could be pregnant.  But my head knows it's most likely just that...a fantasy.  My heart...well, seeing those pregnant bellies at the doctor's office...well, it left my heart yearning. 

While I was waiting a woman came out and sat down near me.  She pulled out her phone and must have called her significant other...because she was gushing about being pregnant.  7 weeks along...due June 13th.  I did the math in my head...and figured I would be just behind her.  If I was, I'd be 7 weeks on Wednesday.

Who am I kidding...there's no way.  And I need to keep telling myself that so that tomorrow's call doesn't cut as deep.

Still nada...and a blood test coming

So nothing yet.  Except that I feel bloated.  My jeans are tight...but that also could be the vast amounts of food consumed while we were at Disney.  I POAS Thursday as well...negative.  I called my OBGYN today...I go at 11:45 for a blood test.

This could be early onset menopause.  It could be an annovulatory cycle (which I've NEVER had).  It could be just stress and travel making my body go wonky.  But there is also the very real possiblity, albeit TINY possibility, that this could be IT. 

And after everything I've gone through over the past 8 years...I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Nada

Ya know how when you're in the trenches of IF and in that TWW and you post about AF not coming and as soon as you hit publish she makes her arrival?  Yea, I was thinking that would be what happened to me as soon as I posted about being late.  But nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  Zero. 

I POAS on Sunday and 2 on Monday...all negative.  I haven't since.  It's weird.  I'm having mixed emotions about the SLIGHT possibility I could still be pg.  Given all the strife DH and I have been through over the last few years I'm hesitant to be happy.  But at the same time, I'd be THRILLED if I was.  Key word being IF. 

Since Lexi was born, I've been very regular.  Most cycles falling at 28 days...just a few going to 32 days.  But I'm at 43 days.  I couldn't tell you if I've had any of my normal pre-AF symptoms...because I was so busy getting ready for WDW.  Then there is the trip itself.  I know crossing time zones can mess things up...but I only crossed one (CST to EST) and we pretty much kept our CST schedules of waking and sleeping. 

My next thought is to call my GYN and get a blood test.  But then, if it comes back positive, he isn't the doctor I'd want to see during a pregnancy.  The Dr I'd want to see doesn't take my current insurance, but does take the insurance my company is switching to for 2014.  The Dr I'd want to see is the Dr who actually delivered Lexi, he was in the same practice as my current GYN and left for another soon after she was born.

I'm all over the place.  Maybe once I hit publish AF will arrive...

Ummmmm....

Um guys...I'm late.  Like 12 days late.  My last AF was 9/11...DH and I had sex twice before we left for Florida.  I was due for AF on 10/10.  HPT's show negative.  What gives?

The house that Walt built

To say we had a great time is an understatement.  It was truly magical.  I took over 800 photos...and have almost 300 on Disney Photopass.  A brief rundown and some highlights:

Saturday - Lexi's first plane ride.  She did AWESOME!  Loved looking out the window!  Went to Downtown Disney.
Sunday - SeaWorld!  Loved the Shamu show and was afraid to pet the dolphins...but rode the Journey to Atlantis!
Monday - Hollywood Studios - She loved the Star Wars ride the most.  Lunch at Hollywood and Vine to meet June, Oso, Handy Manny and Jake!
Tuesday - Epcot - Soarin was the big hit, followed by Test Track.  Dinner at Akershus to meet Belle, Cinderella, Aurora, Ariel and Snow White!
Wednesday - Magic Kingdom - We hit all of FantasyLand and watched the Electric Parade.  Lexi got to turn the park lights off in prep for the parade! Truly a once in a lifetime opportunity!  Dinner at Crystal Palace to meet Piglet, Pooh, Tigger and Eeyore.
Thursday - Animal Kingdom - Very upset she got wet on the Kali River Rapids...but loved the Kilimanjaro Safari!  Chosen at Festival of the Lion King to be the Lion leader.  Dinner at Ohana.
Friday - Back to the Magic Kingdom...hit the rest of the lands...dinner at Chef Mickey's to meet Mickey, Minnie, Donald and Goofy.  Then back to Magic Kingdom to Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party...tickets courtesy of my Guest Relations cousin!

To watch the wonderment and awe in Lexi's face was truly the most spectacular thing. 

One other quick story...when we told Lexi she was going to WDW, we told her TinkerBell invited her.  So when she met Tink on Friday, she said "Thank you for inviting me"...to which Tink replied, "Well Alexis, it's about time you got here!".  Lexi was amazed that Tink knew her name (she was wearing a necklace with her name on it) and couldn't believe that Tink KNEW HER!  It's all she talked about the rest of the day.

I'll post photos on FaceBook.  If you're not friends with me on FB...comment here and let me know and I'll send you my full name to friend me!