Happy Birthday Little One

Dear Baby,

Today is your due date...the day you should have been born.  Though I highly suspect you would have made your entrance into this world a few weeks ago, this is the only date I have to recognize you.  It's hard to believe 7 months have gone by since we said goodbye to you.  I still think of you every day, but it's not with the profound sadness that I carried back then.  I think about who you would look like, what your personality would be, but mostly I wonder if you were a boy or a girl. 

The fact that I can't name you is what really hurts my heart.  The fact that you're only known to your Daddy and I as "Baby" hurts my heart.  You should have a name.  You deserve a name.  But nameless you remain.  Maybe one day, Daddy and I will find something that fits you.

You will always be loved.  You will never be forgotten.

Love always,

Mommy

Up and Down

I'm up 2 lbs from last week.  The only thing I can think of is because AF arrived yesterday.  I was under my calorie goals for the week, and I did get some exercise in...not alot...but some.  So I have to assume it's because my body is retaining water due to AF.  I hope that's the case and that next Monday I'll be back down again. 

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My unfulfilled due date is fast approaching.  June 15th.  Though I suspect that I would have delivered by now anyway.  I'm feeling rather down about it.  I can't yet put it into words...

Singing in the rain

I managed to wrangle my husband into going for a walk last night after dinner.  5 minutes into our walk, it started to rain.  But we kept going.  I didn't get my full mile in last night...maybe 3/4.  The rain was freezing cold (it was only about 55 degrees outside as it was) so by the time we got back home we were shivering and drenched.  We only did 13 minutes...but it was something.  And something is better than nothing.

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Lexi also had her 6 month speech evaluation yesterday.  She passed with flying colors.  In the past 6 months, she has gone from speaking at a 12 month level (basically NOT speaking) to speaking at a 27 month level (and she's not yet 26 months old).  A 15 month gain in 6 months.  Proud can not even begin to describe the feeling I had when I got the report.  I can't even begin to tell you the difference I see in her.  Not only in her speech...but in her confidence as well.  She's always been an outgoing kid...but she's even more so now.  And loves to put on "performances" for any audience.  (She will stand on a box, chair etc and sing and curtsy)

I didn't want to stop her therapy cold turkey...so we agreed to move to 2x a month for 2 months and then stop around August.   I'm so happy I was able to get her into the EI program.  I was never "ashamed" that she needed some help, and I think that is one of the reasons why she excelled.  We were totally involved in her therapy...working with her daily...making it fun.  I'd do it again in a heartbeat...she benefited so much and loves her ST.  We'll be sad to see her leave in August.

A new journey begins

Last Monday, May 23rd, I started a new journey.  One that I hope KNOW will bring me happiness.  The weekend prior, I had an "aha" moment that brought me to tears.  You see, I was at the playground with Lexi.  And she wanted me to chase her...simple task, right?  You'd think.  But I couldn't.  A minute or so of running and I was winded.  I couldn't play with my daughter because...I was FAT.  It was all I could do to walk her home without sobbing.  I had spent 5 years trying to get pregnant.  Trying to have a child.  And now I have her and I can't play with her because I chose to eat burgers and pizza instead of healthier options?  I was so angry with myself. 

I still am angry...but I decided to DO something about it.  I WANT to be able to play with my daughter.  I DON'T want to be the mom on the sidelines.  I WANT to be involved.  And I can't do that at 243.6lbs.  So a little over a week ago, I started a "diet".  And I use that term lightly.  I'm not following WW, or Jenny, or Nutri System.  I'm doing good old calorie counting and exercise.  I signed up for My Fitness Pal, an online calorie, nutrition, exercise journal, and was SHOCKED at the calories/fat in some of the things I ate on a regular basis.  I made the commitment.  I was going to do this. 

Last week was hard.  I'm not going to lie.  I walked 1 mile on Monday and Tuesday...ate within my nutritional allotment.  Wednesday night I thought I blew it.  I had fried shrimp.  Savoured every one.  But when I came home and input what I ate into my journal, I realized that I hadn't gone over my allotments.  I had eaten so sensibly for breakfast and lunch, that even "splurging" a little that night didn't throw me into a tailspin.  End result?  I lost 4.2lbs last week. 

So while my new journey isn't about getting pregnant (well, it will be...IVF #4 is this fall!!)...it's something I need your help with.  I NEED people to motivate me.  I NEED to be held accountable.  I NEED people to ask me if I exercised this week.  If I'm not held accountable...I may slip more than I would WITH you.  Lexi is my motivation to do this.  I want to be able to play with her and be active with her...and set GOOD examples for her.