Thursday, January 21, 2010

I Would Die For That

Anyone familiar with Kellie Coffey? If not, she's an amazing country singer...check out this link and then come back.

So? What did you think?

I only recently came across this artist a few months ago. But this song had me in tears, and still does each time I hear it. It speaks to me in ways that I can't even describe. I wish I had come across this song much earlier in my journey. While it breaks my heart, it also gives me great strength.

While I know I'm blessed to have Lexi in my life, the pain that we went through to get here is still there. I still hurt when I see a pregnant woman. Still cringe when I hear pg announcements. Still pray that I don't receive any shower invitations. The journey to Lexi was not an easy one, nor was it pain free. I naively thought that once I had my baby, I wouldn't think like an infertile anymore...that I wouldn't hurt like one anymore. That's not the case. I had a gynie appointment last week for my annual exam...and sitting in the waiting room surrounded by big bellies...well, it was more than I could handle. I didn't know these women's stories, or how they got to where they were, but I was SO jealous. It surprised even me. My immediate thought, again, went to "Why them and not me?". Silly isn't it? Considering the beautiful daughter that was waiting for me at home.

I guess it never gets any easier. Maybe it will when we consider our little family "complete"? But when will that be? DH wants a son. He's always wanted a son. He loves Lexi, more than anything...but he'd like a son to pass the family name to. He knows that if we did IVF again that there are no guarantees we'd have a boy...would I then feel pressure to try "just one more time"? We're lucky to have some insurance coverage left...enough for maybe 2 or 3 cycles...though meds would be out of pocket. Do I get back onto the infertility treatment highway? Do I want to? You'd think the obvious answer would be yes, given my jealousy of bellies, but I'm not entirely sure.


Denise said...

I think the pain of infertility runs so deep, it leaves a would that can reopen at any time. I'm hoping one day it turns to an old, faded scar, but I have yet to be convinced of that. No matter how badly you and DH might want another child, I don't blame you for being hesitant to jump back on the treatment bandwagon. It is such a difficult ride.

Liddy said...

That song makes me cry like a baby. For so long I thought it would be easy, I had worked so hard with everything else in my life, why couldn't having a baby be easy. I also like Lady Saw's No Less Than a Woman.

Braces Bunch

JamieD said...

I had the same experience. Even though my baby is waiting at home for me I still resent the fact that so many people came by it so much easier than I did. I know it's not their fault, which makes me feel all the sillier.

Kimbosue said...

I feel the same way...especially when I see other pg bellies. UGH and showers...I am co-hosting 1 for my BFF this weekend...DREAD.