Friday, January 22, 2010

She stood! All by herself! she only stood for about 15 seconds...but it was 15 seconds ALL BY HERSELF!


So I'm really disappointed right now. I had my review with my manager a few weeks ago. It wasn't what I expected at all. He basically told me that he wanted to rate me as "Needs Improvement" but that when he looked at the objectives and goals that were agreed on at the beginning of last year for my position I met them all. But that when he "compares me to my peers I could be doing more". All the sales people that I support said they were extremely pleased with my performance last year. I just found out today that I will not be getting a bonus OR an increase. When I asked my manager why, I was told that it was based on my performance. I'm SO upset right now. He's given me NO constructive reasons for why he's rated me what he did. I really believe that this is just another personal jab at me.

Some background: I, and 3 of my sales people, used to work for another manager. About 2 years ago that manager left...and sales force was re-organized as a result. Just before the reorg, my current manager had hired someone he really wanted. When the reorg happened, I was not slated to move to his team...but my 3 sales people wouldn't move without me. So he had to give up the person he just hired to the team I would have stayed on.

I talked to 2 of my 5 sales people after I found out...and neither one could believe that I wasn't getting anything. What they also found unacceptable was that I had to call him to find out. He didn't even give me the courtesy of calling to tell me (he's in New York and I'm in Chicago). That's the other thing! I also found out that he did not solicit feedback from my sales people in order to complete my review. I don't deal with my manager directly...yes I report up to him, but I really work for the 5 sales people.

The other kicker? We have 12 sales people on our team and 4 of us who support them. I support 5, a girl in AZ supports 5, and 2 in NY each have 1! And he's seriously going to tell me that I'm not up to par with my peers?

I'm just SO upset right now. I really feel this was a jab at me...since we don't see eye to eye on things. UUGGHH!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I Would Die For That

Anyone familiar with Kellie Coffey? If not, she's an amazing country singer...check out this link and then come back.

So? What did you think?

I only recently came across this artist a few months ago. But this song had me in tears, and still does each time I hear it. It speaks to me in ways that I can't even describe. I wish I had come across this song much earlier in my journey. While it breaks my heart, it also gives me great strength.

While I know I'm blessed to have Lexi in my life, the pain that we went through to get here is still there. I still hurt when I see a pregnant woman. Still cringe when I hear pg announcements. Still pray that I don't receive any shower invitations. The journey to Lexi was not an easy one, nor was it pain free. I naively thought that once I had my baby, I wouldn't think like an infertile anymore...that I wouldn't hurt like one anymore. That's not the case. I had a gynie appointment last week for my annual exam...and sitting in the waiting room surrounded by big bellies...well, it was more than I could handle. I didn't know these women's stories, or how they got to where they were, but I was SO jealous. It surprised even me. My immediate thought, again, went to "Why them and not me?". Silly isn't it? Considering the beautiful daughter that was waiting for me at home.

I guess it never gets any easier. Maybe it will when we consider our little family "complete"? But when will that be? DH wants a son. He's always wanted a son. He loves Lexi, more than anything...but he'd like a son to pass the family name to. He knows that if we did IVF again that there are no guarantees we'd have a boy...would I then feel pressure to try "just one more time"? We're lucky to have some insurance coverage left...enough for maybe 2 or 3 cycles...though meds would be out of pocket. Do I get back onto the infertility treatment highway? Do I want to? You'd think the obvious answer would be yes, given my jealousy of bellies, but I'm not entirely sure.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Days I hate

There are 2 days of the week that I don't really care for. The first is Mondays. My Mondays are my LOOOOOONG days. My Monday starts at 4:30am (even before) when I get up and get dressed. Lexi and I are out the door by 5am (advance prep on Sunday evening allows me to be up and ready in 30 minutes!) for the drive to my mom's. We're at my mom's by 6am and I can sit with her and Lexi until 6:30 when my dad is ready to leave. My dad and I take the train into the city together on Mondays. I leave work at 4:30 and wait for my dad...we catch a 5:15pm train and are back at his house by 6pm. Now, depending on if Lexi is napping or not, I'll either hang out, or we pack up and leave. I usually walk in the door with Lexi on my hip between 7 and 7:30 pm. Loooooong day.

But I can deal with the long Mondays. I'm not thrilled with them, but I can deal. It's Tuesdays that I HATE. Lexi is still asleep when I leave at 5:45am (my normal time for the rest of the week). And after work, DH and I play in a poker league. So I don't get home until after 10pm most Tuesdays....well after Lexi's bedtime. So I don't see my peanut at all...and I swear, I go through Lexi withdrawal. Now, I know that the poker league is something that DH and I choose to participate in, and that we can easily NOT go...but it's our one night out and we've been going since Lexi was 2 weeks old (we used to take her with us when she was small enough to sleep in her carseat...DH and I joke that her first words will be "All In"). I have a love/hate relationship with Tuesdays. I look forward to the social interaction and the game play...but am always torn about going to play, or going home and seeing Lexi.

Tonight, I don't have to make that decision. Lexi is coming to poker! Everyone there LOVES her...and always ask when we're bringing her everyone will get to see her tonight! My mom has an appointment, so she won't make it to my house in time for DH to he's bringing her with and my mom will pick her up from there! WooHoo....I get to see her!!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Sunday, January 10, 2010

9 months old

Dear Alexis,

Hi Peanut! You're 9 months old today. Mommy is in complete shock. I can't believe it's been 9 months since you entered this world. 9 months since I first laid eyes on you. 9 months since I fell instantly in love with you. You amaze us everyday, but recently you've been doing so many new things. Just this past Friday you started pulling yourself up to your knees in your crib. So mommy lowered your mattress one notch (we still had it all the way up). Then Saturday, after swim class, and while Mommy was sitting in your room, you pulled yourself up to stand! And then started WALKING around your crib while holding on to the rails! girl, when did you get to be such a BIG girl??!! You also will walk along on the floor if someone holds your hands...but yet, you don't crawl forwards. You can push yourself backwards, but can't crawl forwards. Mommy thinks you might skip crawling and starting walking soon...and that's scary! My baby? Walking? Seems like only yesterday we brought you home!

You also have 6 teeth in now. 4 on top and 2 on the bottom. You've bitten your fingers on multiple occasions and look at me like "what just happened"? But you haven't mastered actually chewing your food yet. Which makes Mommy nervous when people hand you goldfish crackers or other yummy tidbits. You love your Cream of Wheat...and dislike the "baby" cereals. You're eating almost a whole jar of food at lunch and dinner, along with your yogurt melts (your favorite) and puffs. You're wearing size 4 diapers and size 12 month clothes...though the thermal underwear Mommy just bought is 18 months and fits you perfectly.

Oh sweetie. People told me all along that time would go by in a flash, but I still can't believe that I'm looking at venues for your first birthday party already. You will always be my baby. I love you more than words can ever express. I hope that you will feel that love as you grow, and know just how much you are wanted.

Love always,


Saturday, January 9, 2010

Swim class

Lexi had her very first swim class this morning. Grandma came along to take pictures and for moral support for me! Class was fun. They only run 30 minutes, which is good. Lexi was scared and nervous at first, grabbing on to me and clinging to me as if her life depended on it (well, I guess it did), but she relaxed within about 5 minutes of being in the water. She's not thrilled about being on her tummy in the water, but LOVES to float on her back. She successfully floated with just her head resting on my shoulder...and my hands directly under her but not touching. The instructor had us sing songs and have them kick and splash.

Then came the part I was afraid of. Putting her under. The instructor said to blow in her face and dunk her and pull her up. Well, since Lexi is still nursing a snotty nose (it was MUCH snot in the pool) she's still breathing through her mouth, hence her mouth remained open even after I blew in her face. Needless to say, there was no dunking. I did manage to get her mouth in the water, only to have her inhale what flowed in. Hacking, choking baby = a mom who wasn't dunking. At least not this week.

All in all, I really believe Lexi enjoyed it. There are only 6 kids in the class. There is one younger than her (7 months) and the rest are older. The 7 month old cried the entire class...poor thing. But she was as happy as can be...until I took her out...then she cried! LOL

My mom took I'll try to post some later. I have to figure out how to obscure the faces of the other people in them.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Follow up

Just some follow up to some questions...

Jen asked how the ear piercing went and if I was afraid she'd pull them out. The answer? It went well...and I'm not afraid of her pulling them out. The earring posts have grooves in them that the back "sits" in. You have to grab the earring from the front as well as the back and pull them apart to remove them (I know from my own piercing experience). So she'd need to coordinate both hands to get them out, not going to happen. She doesn't even seem to notice them...except in the mirror when the light hits them and they look all sparkly and such.

Kimbosue asked if I was scared about the swim lessons Lexi starts tomorrow. The answer? No and yes. No because I get to be with her and I know she LOVES the water. Yes because I know, inevitably, part of the class will involve me putting her under water...which I'm totally nervous about. I mean, she gets water in her face all the time when I'm rinsing her hair, but actually dunking my baby under the water? That scares the poop out of me.

Hey Rotten...I just remembered that C was in swim classes and had to go did she take it? What was the process to put her under? Nervous me wants to know!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Delurking and other randomness

Sorry it's been awhile since my last post. Things were hectic with the holidays.

Before we get's National Delurking Week! Come out of the woodwork to say long comment needed! Who knows, I may add you to my reader!

Christmas Eve was spent at the in-laws house. Lexi received some very nice presents of clothes (which were MUCH needed as she's outgrowing things so quickly!) and a few toys.

Christmas Day was at our house. My family came in the morning and Santa also came to visit Lexi (which was really gwandpa all dressed up). She wasn't sure what to make of Santa when he came...even though she saw him at the mall. She received more toys and clothes, and our family room looked like T0ys R US blew up. The in-laws came by later for dinner. It was nice to have the whole family around.

The Saturday after Christmas, my sister hosted a small get together at her house for friends and my cousin from OK came in.

New Years Eve was low key. We were all in bed by midnight. Ok, I'll be honest, Lexi was sleeping and DH and I were, um, "reconnecting" when midnight hit.

New Years Day my cousin from OK came by with her 2 boys. We haven't seen them since August when they left. The boys (3 and 18 mo) opened their presents, and they gave Lexi hers...clothes and a cold! Yep, the boys had runny noses Friday and by Sunday night, Lexi was a snotty mess.

Oh, and Sunday Lexi got her ears pierced. Now I know there are some people who believe that ear piercing should be done later, when the child is older and/or asks for it...and I respect that. I just don't follow that same belief. We all had our ears pierced as babies and I wanted my daughter to have hers done as well. I respect you, you respect me. Thank you.

So in all, it was a busy time...Lexi starts swim classes on Saturday and turns 9 months (OMG!) old on Sunday. She was at the dr for her runny nose on Monday and weighed 19lbs 4ozs and was 29 inches long.

I'll try to post more pics later tonight!