Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Movies, Movies

This past weekend DH and I went to see 2 movies...Baby Mamma and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Saturday was Baby Mamma...**SPOILER ALERT**now if you haven't seen the movie and don't want to know about it, skip the next paragraph.

I would have been ok with this movie if Tina Fey's character didn't have her miracle pregnancy at the end. I mean come on...she had a 1 in a million chance with ART and it just happened naturally? That was the thing that really upset me. I was ok with the story line up until that point. I was even impressed with their use of "transfer" v. "implanted" when speaking about IVF. Though the video showing the embryos landing on the uterine lining was a bit much for me.

Watching the movie with DH brought back all the emotions we've tried so hard to push past. The unsupportive family, the constant barrage of "the question" (When will you start having kids). It was an emotionally draining night. So much so, that the next morning, after some "intimate" time, I just started crying. I really have mixed emotions about cycling again. Physically, it's not hard on me...I respond well to the stims, didn't have much OHSS, didn't have any pain after retrieval or transfer. But emotionally, it kills me. And I'm scared to put myself through that emotional turmoil again. We're lucky enough to have some insurance coverage...but I'm always doing the what ifs.

Anyway, today is CD32 so I guess I'm just being hormonal. I should be getting AF any second now...but I don't feel anything. I guess I should go home and POAS to get her flowing...that always does the trick.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Shake, Rattle and Roll

My alarm goes off at 4:30am. At 4:37am, I felt my bed shake. At first I thought a massive semi must be going down my quiet residential street looking for the next build site. But all was quiet...not a sound. No truck. I remember thinking to myself...hhmmpph what are the chances of an earthquake in Chicago and going about my morning routine. That was until I turned on the TV and this was the top story. Who woulda thunk it? The earthquake was centralized in downstate Illinois, but was felt as far north as Wisconsin and as far south as Alabama. What I felt wasn't very strong...no pictures fell over, no dishes rattled (well that I know of, but I was upstairs). My dogs didn't go nutso. It was like being on one of those vibrating beds you see in the cheap motels on TV. The shaking only lasted a minute or less, but it was my first experience with an earthquake. Growing up in the Midwest, you have fire drills in school AND tornado drills. Tornadoes are something I know about...I know what to do when the sirens start their song. But I have no clue what to do in an earthquake!! That wasn't something we were taught in school...wasn't something we ever had to think about. The only experience with earthquakes I'd had prior to today was seeing the aftermaths on TV in places like San Francisco.

On a separate note...FamilyofTwo is going through a rough time right now. If you haven't already, please stop by her blog and give her some ((HUGS))

Thursday, April 17, 2008


I have a friend (yea I DO have friends IRL). Everyone should have a friend like this one. We've known each other 18 years...since fate sat her behind me in our freshman Spanish class. OK maybe it wasn't fate but the fact we sat alphabetically (can anyone say grammar school?). But it was because of this class that we met and became best friends. She's the type of friend that you keep coming back to...even when your lives took different paths. My path brought me infertility. Hers took her down a medical nightmare (ironically, one that may make it hard for her to conceive as well). As she received diagnosis after diagnosis...I had no idea what to say to her. All I could do is be there when she needed to talk, to vent, to scream and to cry (and provide the occasional ride to the county jail). She recently came to me about how down she's been feeling. And I came clean. I fessed up that I have a blog. Now 2 people IRL know I have it. I told her how therapeutic it is to put things out there...to document what's been happening. But what is even more therapeutic is the support you receive from virtual strangers. People connected only by the Internet and a common thread. So she gussied up some courage and started one of her own. I would like to introduce you to my best friend in the world. Bridge at Fatabulous1 I know her blog isn' t an IF focused one, but please go by and welcome her to our community...and if you know anyone else who might know what she's going through, please forward her blog on. I gushed at how supportive you all are...don't make a liar out of me! LOL

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Random thoughts

Did anyone watch the Biggest L0ser last night? I did...and I have to say I was very pleased that Ali won. It's about time a female won...though through it all they pumped up the "first female" to the point where you pretty much knew who was going to win it. My question is...how can these people afford to take off work for 4 1/2 months and still pay their bills? Don't they have mortgages? I would LOVE to be on this show...but there is NO WAY I could afford to take an unpaid leave from work. How would my bills get paid? UUGGHH how do they do it??

This day is going by way too slow for me. It's only 1:30 and I feel like I've been at work forever. I guess it doesn't help that it's been non stop since Monday. It's 70 here today and I just want to be outside. DH is lucky...he's off on Wednesdays so he gets to be out.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


I've changed the layout and template of my blog...though if you're like me, you use Google Reader or some other feed and don't click over unless you want to leave a comment. Has anyone figured out how to leave a comment from Google Reader? Anyway, since I usually use the Reader to read posts, I don't tend to see every one's actual blog pages and pics/buttons. I was scanning around today and realized just how "boring" my actual blog page was. So I'm going to try to spice it up a little if I can. I'm hesitant about posting pics, though I did post my wedding pic a while back. I'll have to think about that one.

I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words regarding yesterday's post. At first, I really didn't feel any better about having posted it. But after reading the comments, and knowing that no one thinks of me as a dirty whore (well except my husband <8') ), I actually do feel better. In a "OK no one thinks any less of me" kind of way.

I'm sure some readers are thinking, I thought this was supposed to be a blog about infertility...well hopefully, I will be able to begin posting about my next cycle. DH has been on Clomid since September in the hopes of improving his sperm counts. Our next steps are to do another SA, and then start "banking" his sperm. My RE, in combination with his Andrologist, want us to bank sperm so that we have plenty to choose from when my next ER comes along. The problem we had last time was that nothing fertilized because they couldn't find "enough" normal sperm to use. Long story short, that's how we found out DH had a testosterone issue (why we didn't know this before is beyond me and I've given up that anger). So I'm hoping that in the next few months, I'll be able to relish you with my injection horror stories and hormonal emotions. Till then...thanks for tuning in!

Monday, April 14, 2008

1,565 days

37,560 hours
2,253,600 minutes

That's how long it's been since C and I started TTC#1. In that time we've had 4 birthdays, 5 New Year's Eves, 6 pregnancy announcements within our family, 4 of which have already resulted in live births. 2 of which are second children. There have been countless BFPs in the blogosphere as well as live births, adoption matches and adoptions finalized. There have also been countless BFNs, miscarriages, fetal losses, stillbirths, adoption matches fallen through and other heartbreaking news. It's any wonder that any of us keep going. But that's all we know isn't it? We have to keep going, keep moving forward. To achieve whatever goal it was that we set out for in the first place. I think back on the last 4+ years and I wonder where it all went. Where did the time go? Has it REALLY been THAT long? And I think, will it be another 1,565 days before I achieve MY goal? I hope not. I do know that I couldn't do it without all of you. Knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles makes it a little bit easier. What's the old saying? Misery loves company?

I've been keeping something from all of you. And it wasn't until I read a fellow bloggers post about her emotional struggle with a similar diagnosis that I realized I shouldn't be hiding this. This blog is supposed to be representative of my journey to our child. If I left this out, it wouldn't be accurate. So...along with my cervical dysplasia, I was diagnosed with HPV. Since then, I've struggled emotionally with it. I have no idea how or when I "got" it, or from who. I've been with my husband for 5 years and before that was in another relationship for almost 8 years. So either I "got" it 14 years ago or from my last long term relationship. I feel dirty and unclean, like I did something I wasn't supposed to do. I was careful, wasn't out whoring around. Why did this have to happen to me? Along with all the IF shit that we have to deal with, now I have to worry about this.

There it is folks. It's out there. I no longer have an elephant in my room. But I don't feel any better about it.

Monday, April 7, 2008

An Empty Room

Mel had an interesting post that got me thinking. In her post, she talks about the room in her house that should be her "future baby's" room. In reading it, and the comments that followed, it got me thinking about "that" room in our house.

DH and I bought our 4 bedroom house in December of 2006. At that point we had been trying to have a baby for 3 years the "natural" way. We had started seeing a RE in May of 2006, but hadn't undertaken any ART treatments yet. While we walked through the house, I remember us talking about each bedroom and what we will make out of it.

Our office would be the room closest to our bedroom. It is in the front of the house, the smallest of all 4 rooms and gets alot of natural light. Perfect for those days that I would work from home. The room farthest from our bedroom, tucked away behind the stairs would be the guest bedroom. Whomever stays in it would have complete privacy. This room is also in the front of the house and has a small walk in closet and is across the hall from the guest bathroom.

The last room, the one in the back of the house, snuggled in the corner, with the large walk in closet and large sliding window would be our child's room. Because it was in the back of the house, no street noise or imposing street lights would reach our sleeping infant. The large sliding window is situated in the corner of the room, a perfect place to set a glider for those nights when our baby just wouldn't sleep. The large walk in closet would be perfect to store all of the extra diapers, clothes and toys that he/she just isn't big enough for yet. It's proximity to the master bedroom and guest bedrooms would be perfect for the nights I stayed up and let DH catch some zzz's. I imagined where I would place the crib, dresser, changing table etc.

Then we did our first IVF, and I was so excited that we might actually be using that room. My mom even gave us the dresser/changing table/armoire that I had as a kid as a starter. Then we got our BFN. I would pass by that room and see the dresser mocking me. Now the room sits dark. The blinds are shut from the outside world, no light passes onto those walls. The door remains closed. It sits unused in darkness. An empty room that I long to fill.