Tuesday, September 25, 2007

When rock stars get old...

they should just quit...instead of parading around on stage trying to convince themselves and their fans that they are still 30 years old. See I went to see Aerosmith last night. My first time seeing them in concert...and I was SOOO excited. Well, the show flat out SUCKED! Joan Jett and the Blackhearts opened the show, which wasn't too bad, but I'm not familiar with alot of her songs...only "I Love Rock N Roll"...which she played as I was waiting in line for the ladies room...but I digress. Aerosmith probably didn't come on until about 9:30 and the show was over by 11. The show had no energy...they played alot of stuff that people didn't know...and only a few of their big hits that everyone could sing along with. I've never been to concert were people actually SAT DOWN! It seemed like they were only doing the show out of obligation...see, they postponed the original date (9/10) and it felt like they didn't really want to be doing it...even though the place was SOLD OUT!

I understand that these guys are nearing 60 and can't be jumping around the stage like they did 30 years ago, but I at least thought I'd hear some awesome tunes...Steve Tyler barely even sang...alot of the songs were drawn out with alot of instrumentals...He only sang 1 verse of Sweet Emotion and then there was 10 minutes of Joe Perry strumming his guitar!

All in all I was extremely disappointed with the experience...Metallica put on a better show.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

What do I talk about now?

First I want to say that Jenna received some pretty devastating news...please go see her and send your love.

As for me, the whole point of this blog was to capture our journey to being parents by way of IVF. Since cycling has been put on hold until at least next year, I'm not sure what I should use this blog for now. I don't want to abandon it, but I also don't want to bore my small audience with my mundane life routine. I'll have to see what new and exciting things I can begin to do to give me more to discuss.

For today I'll tell you about the party DH and I are throwing in a few weeks. DH and I were married October 5, 2005 in Maui, Hawaii. We swore we would throw an "at home reception" the following spring...well that was a bust since we put our house up for sale. Then we said we'd have a party on our first anniversary...that didn't work either since our house sold and our new house fell through and we were basically homeless for 2 months. (Seriously, we lived with my in laws and were so cramped we stayed out as long as we could at night).

So now we're coming up on our 2 year anniversary and we're finally throwing a shin dig. We invited 120 people to our brand new house on the 29th (Yikes, what was I thinking!) and so far 65 have accepted. We plan on having the bash in our backyard (we have a 1/2 acre) and are hoping and praying that our weatherman will keep any rain at bay. I can't imagine having almost 70 people crammed IN my house. The thought frightens me. But what scares me the most is that alot of these people don't know that DH and I have done one IVF cycle and are seeking ART treatments. I just know that we're going to be bombarded with questions about when we're going to have children. Want to know what my response will be? Well, depending on my mood it could range from "A baby will come to us when he/she is ready" to "Mind your own fucking business" I hope I'm in a good mood that day.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Thank you

First I want to say thank you to the few followers I have on my blog...your comments from my post yesterday helped me out of the trench I was in.

So out of one trench and into another...DH has a low testosterone level. Normal range is around 350, his is at 212. What does this mean? Aside from causing low sperm counts, it can also affect his health in other ways...muscle mass, bone density etc. He goes back next week to see the vampire again to draw more blood. Doc thinks DH will need to take Clomid (imagine that!)...but any changes in his sperm count won't be fully realized until at least 3 months from now. Which means we won't be cycling until next year!

I'm very upset about not being able to cycle...though I knew this was a possibility. It all has to do with the goal I set for myself at the beginning of the year...I wanted to be pregnant before the end of 2007....preferably before my 31st birthday, but since that's in a month THAT won't be happening. It's hard to think that I was 27 when DH and I started this journey...I know other women have been trying far longer than I, and my heart goes out to all of them...but it doesn't ease my pain today...only adds to it. I don't want to think that I could be joining their ranks, and that with each passing year, my chances diminish even more. As it is my FSH level is high for my age (I think it was 13 last I had it checked).

Anyway, I'm not trying to diminish anyone's experiences...we each have our pain and I'm respectful of that. I'm just afraid that we may not get another shot at this...

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Does this mean I really don't want a baby?

I'm overweight...this I know. It's partly due to my PCOS, partly due to my eating habits, and partly due to my lack of exercise. I know this...but I can't seem to bring myself to do anything about it. My doc prescribed Metformin for me...but I don't take it because it upsets my stomach...I have horrible eating habits...I don't eat breakfast 90% of the time, eat a quick lunch and then the only saving grace of the day is that I usually have a decent dinner. I can't seem to change that...I'll start off with determination, to change my habits, but within a week, I've reverted to my old ways.

I also don't exercise...I have a desk job, so I don't move around a whole lot during the work day...I have a 2 hour commute to and from work, so that's an additional 4 hours a day I can't move. I leave home at 5:45am and don't get home until after 6pm...then I make dinner so it's ready when DH gets home around 7. By the time we're done and everything is cleaned up, I'm exhausted from the day. We have walked around the neighborhood on days when he gets home early, but those aren't as often as I would need.

As I was pondering all these things today, I wondered if because I can't seem to change my habits, if that means that deep down I don't want to get pg? My heart and my mind tell me that's not true, but I know what the RE will say...you need to lose weight, change your eating habits and exercise more...and I can't seem to discipline myself enough to follow through.

Could it be that subconsciously I am waiting to hear the results from DH's tests today? To see if we can even proceed to IVF#2 with his sperm? to see if the results tell us that we would need to use donor sperm and I know DH isn't ready to make that choice yet? I can't seem to grasp why I can't seem to follow through on making the changes in my life that I know can only help me get pg in the long run...what's wrong with me?

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

6 Years Later...and I still remember...

where I was at 7:56am CST when the first plane hit the World Trade Center. I was on a bus, on my way to work, in downtown Chicago. I was listening to the radio when they broke into the current song with the news. I remember walking into my office, where it was business as usual...no one had heard the news. That changed after the second plane hit...people were glued to cnn.com, and msnbc.com watching the latest updates, me included.

I remember trying to reach my father, who also worked in the city...to only get voicemail.

I remember holding one woman who worked for me after she came into work, only to hear the news and break down in tears...her aunt and cousin worked on the 97th floors of the towers...they never did recover her cousin's remains.

I remember a woman who had an account with us, who worked for Fred Alger Management...her name I will never forget. Meredith Whalen. She was just 23. I never met her, only spoke to her on the phone once or twice about her account. But for some reason, her name stays with me. Maybe because she was so close in age to me.

I remember senior management sending everyone home, fearing that the Sears Tower could be a target as well. I was one of the last to leave...all the trains were packed with people, yet they were eerily silent. Everyone sat in stunned silence.

I remember getting home and being glued to the television, like so much of America.

I remember crying.

I remember being sad.

I remember being angry that terrorists could do this to my fellow Americans.

I remember everyone saying "We Will Never Forget".

6 years later, I'm still glued to msnbc.com, watching the memorial service.

6 years later, I'm still crying.

6 years later, I'm still sad.

6 years later, I'm still angry...but now I'm angry that others seem to have forgotten.

I am the only one wearing any semblance of red, white and blue in my office. My house was the only one I saw with the American Flag proudly displayed. Why have people seemed to have forgotten?

I Will Never Forget

Thursday, September 6, 2007

My boring life...

So it's been more than a week since I last posted here...is that because my life is so boring that I'm embarrassed to share? Yes and no. Lately, my life has been boring and I've been wallowing in self pity. DH has been working late each night b/c they are short handed...so that leaves me...just me...in a 4 bdrm house...all alone. Don't get me wrong...I love my house...purchased with the intention that we would fill it with children's laughter and lots of family get togethers...it's for that same reason that I'm up to my eyeballs with self pity. I sit in our family room...alone...wondering what I should be doing. Dusting? done. Vacuuming? done. Laundry? done. Dishes? done. I'm telling you I have the cleanest toilets you'll ever see...I can't clean anymore...there's just nothing left to clean. All my girlfriends have kids, or live over an hour away. I'm not a phone person so I don't call anyone. I think I've been to the end of the Internet...the only solace I've found has been in the form of a few drinks with the neighbors across the street.

So I'm not neglecting this blog...just have nothing to say lately...I hope that will change soon.